sick, twisted...and hilarious

it's finals time, and both graduate and undergraduate school years are wrapping up across the united states, and the world. that being the case, sometimes extra motivation is needed. today i bring you said motivation in the form of a few old, yet classic dead baby jokes.

Q: what's the difference between an apple and a dead baby?
A: you dont cum on the apple after you take a bite out of it

Q: how many dead babies does it take to paint a house?
A: depends how hard you throw them

Q: what do you call a dead baby with no arms or legs laying in a ditch?
A: phil

Q: what's better than a dead baby?
A: the revoked child support

Q: how many dead babies can fit in a barrel?
A: 4.5

Q: what do you get when you put a dead baby in a blender?
A: an erection

people are straight weird

some recent searches that ended up here

1) kelloggs clock pop contest - ummm, what? i'm pretty sure that doesnt exist

2) botcha-galoop - i dont think thats english

3) lego bible scenes - get away from my blog, heathen

4) westlaw - coalm: your new resource for all legal research

5) god kills two puppies - he's killed more than 2!

6) shortage of tax professors - need a job?

sweet 200

this being my 200th post, i wanted it to be special. therefore i am posting about two amazingly wonderful things (albeit in very different ways): dominique and dunkin donuts.



you've read dominique's blog (if you haven't what's wrong with you?), she's hilarious. you've seen the pictures, she's beautiful. and anything you can glean from those two, multiply it by a million and that's how great she is in person. her awesomeness cannot fully be captured by the blog and pictures alone. you'll just have to imagine what she's like. suckers. we're doing wonderfully and are very happy.



dunkin donuts is also great. it kicks krispy kreme and everyone else's ass both in donuts and coffee. the one here in town is very efficient, and the workers are friendly. tonight, the lady gave me extra donuts for free. the above picture is the actual dunkin donuts i went to tonight. that's not the lady though.

2 mins for rebuttal

i recently read this post, and as someone who's had a share of his family die from smoking, i think some of the harsh language in the post requires rebuttal.

first, your inner monologue is illogical. there's a huge difference between smoking and drinking, not just health wise. if lots of people in a bar are smoking, then everyone there is smoking. you can't pick and choose which air you breathe. however, someone can go to the bar for just one or two drinks, or just to go with friends and not drink at all (ever heard of designated drivers?). by being at a bar you are not forced to have alcohol, but if people are permitted to smoke, you are also forced to smoke. of course, this all changes if it's outside at a bar or in an open area.

also, i dont see why people who smoke are society's "underclass" just because people who choose to be healthier in that respect don't want to inhale second hand smoke. dont you find it ironic when phillip morris runs ads warning against the risks of smoking? limiting your "right to smoke" does not make you an underclass if your "right" is interfering with others' constitutional right to life. sorry.

i should note that i am not a smoker, but i do have friends who smoke. and i dont give them shit for it, cuz hey, they can do what they want. and i do go to bars where people smoke, and i know that it's my choice when i do. i am in no way advocating that people should not be allowed to smoke. it's a lifestyle choice, just like drinking coffee or being gay (haha kidding!). i just take issue when smokers complain about how oppressed they are.

as someone who has also seen the negative effects of smoking, i can't in good conscience let such naive comments slide. and since you refuse to allow comments, i cannot discretely answer in that manner. smoking in an indoor bar cannot be compared to drinking in an indoor bar. and if not being able to do one thing you want makes you an underclass, then everyone's in some sort of underclass.

naps

naps are the work of the devil. right up there with milk. and you're saying "ohhh, dicta, no no no. naps are my friend. i love naps! naps make me so happy." well you my friend, are nothing but a whore. a nap whore. be honest with yourself. only then can you start the road to recovery. i have an example to prove this theory.

if you're a woman, imagine naps as like having sex with tom cruise. at first you think, "hey, yeah, this is gonna be great! i'm so excited, it's going to feel awesome!" but then you dont really get to experience the sex because, as a scientologist, tom is religiously bound to knock you unconscious. you sleep thru the "good" part. then, you wake up, feel like shit, have a headache, and wish you had those last couple hours of your life back. the only difference is a nap wont knock you up and then eat the placenta.

if you're a guy, then imagine your woman imagining sex with tom cruise cuz i cant think of another example off hand, nor do i want to put in the effort. if you dont have a girlfriend, then imagine your hand imagining sex with tom cruise. left or right is fine.

such are naps. and if you think about it, the word "nap" is often found in words with negative meanings: kidNAP, iNAPpeasable, iNAPreciative, iNAPplicable, iNAPpropriate, NAPalm, a hippy's dirty NAPpy dreds, uNAPologetic, uNAPpetizing. in fact, the only positive "nap" word i found was unsNAP, and that's only positive when there's a good looking lady in the room.

naps suck.

dear maintenance man

ANYTIME you want to put the new fucking screen door on would be fantastic. since i bitched about my state it's actually been nice for a couple days, but i could not enjoy it from home because i have no screen door. i've tried opening the regular door, but santos will try to get out and run down the stairs.

so, my advice would be to fix my fucking door! in hindsight, taking it off in the first place before you were prepared to put the new door on was probably fucking stupid, huh? fucking [law school town, law school state].

guess who's back, back again

...the westlaw whore. i went to school today to print out some notes for studying, and in my mail folder i fould a thick westlaw folder, with a note fixed to the top reiterating the fact that my westlaw rep will give me 300 whole points if i let her train me before april 30. so i decided to flip thru the folder.

inside i found answers to such vexing questions as "what is the national reporter system?," "what is a case?," "where do i find cases?," "what is a statute?," and "which cases should i read?"

well let me tell you, if you dont know the answers to these questions by the end of your first year, much less the second, you should not only quit law school, but also life. and further, if she really wanted to train me, contacting me more than a week before finals begin would have been helpful.

yeah, i'm gonna go get trained so you get a little bonus.

motivational monday

i half-assed it and i'm ok with that.

i should've been a cop

i just realized that between yesterday and today i consumed 8 doughnuts while working on my seminar paper. gross. but hey, it got that paper done by mid-afternoon today, so maybe it's not such a bad thing.

i just went grocery shopping and saw an old guy with an eye patch. i bet he used to be a pirate. it was awesome.

under the weather

dear law school state,

if, for only a short time, you could stop being miserable that would be great. as much as i love the permagloom skies and hillbilly residents, there comes a time when the little routine has been played out. i appreciate the fact that you dont tempt me to partake in any fun outside activities when i should be writing papers and studying for finals, but you've taken it too far. i now understand why some areas in you want to teach creationism--if i never saw the sun in other states, i would probably think science was a bunch of bullshit too. in conclusion, if you could stop sucking i would maybe love you for a little bit. we should make the most of the time we have now, because once i graduate i will never come back, unless i want to die a slow and painful death.

thanks,

dicta

desperation tango

are any of my faithful readers either westlaw or lexis reps? can you answer a question for me? what's the deal, yo?!

tonight, a westlaw rep from my school contacted me VIA FACEBOOK with the following message:

If you give me the opportunity to train you by
April 30th I will give you 300 points. I just need
at most 10 minutes of your time. Please let me
know what days/times would be best for you.

Thank you!

why do they want to train me so badly? it can't be for my benefit. i'm a transfer, so how does this rep know if i was trained last year? and 300 points? please, i'll require at least 1.5 million for you to train me during the first week of exams.

furthermore, this rep has been in a few of my classes, but i'm pretty sure we've never spoken to each other. we're not friends on facebook, so she clearly had to seek me out to do this. and why on facebook? why didnt she just look up my email address and send it there?

this whole town is on crack!

time for change, (moni)STAT

new rule: no more commercials about periods, vaginal dryness, or yeast infections between 5-7pm, aka DINNER TIME. i personally dont want to think of a woman's vagina rising faster than a loaf of bread while i'm stuffing a tuna sandwich into my mouth (and yes, i know that's not what yeast infection means). and i dont need to know about 1, 3, or 7 day treatments unless it involves therapy to fix my back.

i'm not saying we should remove these ads completely. not at all. because sometimes women ride bikes naked, sit spread eagle in front of fans, or do other things detrimental to their nether health. but please, if there's any mention of a dna dumpster at dinner time, it should be because we're talking about the alley behind an abortion clinic.

i be an consumer

i already knew that my law school really just wanted my money. on many occasions it has made it abundantly clear that it couldn't give a fuck about the students. and believe you me, i dont give a fuck about my law school. it will never see one post graduate dime from me. but something kind of funny has been happening lately: professors have been sending out emails "inviting" us to take their classes. in other words, they're marketing.

i find this highly humorous as it was the faculty/administration who decided to eliminate the vast majority of our requirements effective next year. but now they're sending out emails telling us why their classes are important. it seems to me, if some classes were so important, you'd want them to be required. but what do i know.

so, since there are hardly any requirements now basically my degree only says that i'm competent, and nothing more. but now evidently skills a, b, and c are so important that i should take classes x, y, and z. i wasn't here at the end of last year, so i dont know if this is an annual occurrence. i dont remember it happening at my old law school. and truthfully, if i had my way, i wouldn't be around here to find out next year. but since i need so many credits from one school to graduate, i'm fucked.

next year is a formality. just give me my piece of paper, and send me on my way, wandering aimlessly, stumbling face first into the real world.

thanks a lot.

back door blues

i'm currently trying to write a paper, so naturally i'm writing a post instead. the paper is on critical legal studies for my jurisprudence seminar. it's a pretty sweet paper actually, because it's pretty philosophical in nature, which i like. some of you might be surprised, but i was a philosophy and religion major in undergrad. so i'm really a solid authority, and you can take my word about god (dont give me shit for that, i didnt actually read it all).

paper aside, i have 2 things to discuss, 1 dealing with home and the other with school.

so my landlord has been telling me since august or september he was going to get me a new screen door. fine. granted, mine was a piece of shit with duct tape over a hole and the handle was taped on, but it was fine. it wasnt the real door. i didnt really have a problem with it. well, he finally sent someone out to change my door today. the whole thing just started awkwardly when i pulled into the little off street parking lot behind my apartment to see a car parked right in the middle, essentially taking up 3 spots. "motherfucker" i exclaimed. then i got out of my car. well, the guy was just on the other side of the fence and more than likely heard it. he came out and told me he could move his car, then did after i told him no it was ok and had already parked my car. off to a good start.

so he tells me he's going to get me my new door today. great. as i leave for my 1230pm class, nothing has happened. when i get back at 2pm, my screen door has been removed, and this guy has apparently checked out for the day. what the hell?! so it was a gorgeous day out, and i had to have the damn door closed all day cuz the guy removed the first door. what kind of rationality could one possibly be using when they decide to remove the first door before acquiring the second one?! why remove my door when you wont have the second door today? the only thing i can think is that the guy was thinking it was one less thing he'll have to do when he gets the door. but fuck that, i live here, its awesome out, i want my door open. moron! and to top it off, he leaves the old door on my balcony, right in the way of the stairs propped up against the railing, where it is evidently prone to falling. jackass.


on to school. the schedule of courses for next semester came out, and it is god awful. being that i'm sick in the head, i enjoy tax. but there is only 1 tax course being offered all next semester, compared to at least half a dozen in the spring. i must ask, what the fuck are all the tax professors doing next semester? sitting on their thumbs? sitting on each others' thumbs? shit, man. on top of that, courses that might be grouped by interest (e.g. business courses, transactional courses, etc) are all scheduled in such a way that you cant take them all, because times overlap. and when you can take them, their exams are all back to back at the end of the semester. i was going to take partnership taxation, family law, and estate planning, but besides the time conflict these exams are 3 days in a row. thanks new dean, you giant prick.

so now i'm probably going to take bullshit courses i have no interest in and will never use because, well, that's all i can take. maybe i'll take a class that will be useful for the bar, but i'm not even sure how many of those are offered next semester. and oh yeah, basic tax is now a 4 credit class instead of 3. i could use that extra credit. it would probably mean i could take 1 fewer course next year.

and on top of all this, our esteemed faculty has voted to eliminate requirements after the first year other than professional responsibility and a seminar. so this means no tax, no evidence, no sales/secured transactions, no appellate practice. basically, you can now come to our law school and graduate a fucking retard if you want to. all you have to take are the basic first year courses like property, contracts, torts, and crim law. not that this even helps me anyway, cuz even under the old regime with requirements, i will have finished them after this semester. that's right, all of next year is pure electives for me. can i ask again what the fucking point is? living in little theoretical law land is great, but nothing, i repeat nothing, i do next year will do anything to further prepare me for post graduate practice. basically, they just want my fucking money.


please excuse the cursing. i like to curse.


DOOR UPDATE: after 2 hours of drilling and hammering, the handyman knocked on my door and told me he needs to get another piece of wood because the doorway is too wide for the new door. but on the upside, the doorway is now a lot holier.

headlines?

1) hahahahahahahaha. also, terroristic? stop trying to make up your own words.

2) a priest's dream come true?

3) isn't choking an "applied science?"

born again

today is not a normal thursday. taxes were due on monday, which means that i dont have to go to VITA tonight. i no longer have to help people. i can do whatever i want. the feeling is liberating. this is the first day of the rest of my life.

viva marx

i'm beginning to think science is too good these days. in the united states and other first world countries we've all but eliminated the ever important natural selection process. these days, negligent people with no common sense are safe, and can even be cured when harmed by their own stupidity.

one move that lacks common sense and drives me crazy is people who leave 1/2-3/4 car length between their car and the one in front or behind them while parallel parking. on any given day, 2-3 extra cars could fit on each side of almost every street, if people just knew how to park. the city really should paint marks on the road as a guideline of where people should park (not that morons would follow it anyway).

of course, it's good exercise to walk the extra block or two, so maybe i shouldnt complain. and that's a valid point too (in fact, it should be known that i unnecessarily parked a blog farther away today just for the extra walk since it was so nice out). as we grow as a society and learn more, we are able to become more efficient. this helps create the fat and the lazy. it's now easier to do many tasks without expending energy. and since we know more, we can help people who are fat and lazy to not die, or at least not die as early as they would otherwise, thus giving them a few extra years to procreate, move into a house behind mine, and raise slovenly children who never go to school, thus spurring another generation which everyone else has to deal with. not that people who live behind my apartment are like that. but they are.

short of thinking for the people, how do we compensate for the inept who benefit from everyone else's knowledge? or is there something else we can do? hmmmm, giuliani for president in 2008?

night moves

i'm not so sure people should quickly judge the mayor. i mean, if more americans who needed more money got second jobs then everyone else wouldnt have to support those who leech off welfare. too many people these days take advantage of the system, and give the old "duke lacrosse" to the rest of our wallets.

2008 words about the weekend

you're not that ugly, we're just that hot

indecent disclosure

this one has been on the back burner all weekend because i'd much rather hang out with dominique than be on the computer. the weekend was fabulous, by the way.

i applied for a job at one of the clinics run by my law school for the summer. there were only 4 spots, and many applicants, so i knew my chances of getting one of the spots was not good. i didn't get a spot, but this is not what bothered me.

first, the applications were due march 24, and applicants were told it would be a week, 2 maximum, before we heard anything. we found out at the end of last week. ok, 3 weeks, not a huge deal.

the huge deal is the way in which we were notified. the professor who is running the clinic opted for the ever-professional mass email. this of course means that every applicant's email address and name were clearly visible. classy. so everyone knows who did and did not get offered a spot. thanks.

but really, an email? we're fucking law students. i spent my fucking time writing a cover letter to submit, so i think the least the professor could have done was write a goddamn form letter. and with mail merge and shit like that, how long does it take to put the names on each one? 5 minutes? and it's not like you need to spend precious law school money on postage, as all students have folders in the mail room. furthermore, ms. professor, you dont even have to get off your fat fucking ass (literally, in this case) and put them in the folders yourself, as the nice people in the mail room will do it for you if you just drop the stack off. in conclusion, fuck you.


and speaking of fat asses, i went to the grocery store today. all lines being equal, i choose a cashier who also has a bag person in their line. i'm not incapable, but i prefer to not bag when given the option. this is why it bothers me when baggers arbitrarily switch lines. what the hell is that? are you too a.d.d. to bag for 1 cashier the whole time? take a fuckin ritalin.

today, a bagger switched on me. he went to the next line over. my guess is he switched because he saw me, a 25 year old male in his line, and a mid 40s fat woman in the next line, and figured i'd have an easier time bagging my own shit without sweating profusely.

but there should be a rule that fat people get less help, not more. listen, rolly mcdoughnut, your problem is only "glandular" up to a deuce or deuce and a half. after that, you just eat too much shit. and contrary to your thoughts, lifting food to your face is not exercise, unless by "tones my arms" you mean lets gravity take hold. just because bagging her own groceries would be the most exercise she got in the last 2 years doesn't mean you should do it. help people by teaching them how to help themselves.

and most of all, bag my fucking groceries.

motivational monday

a dominique original

easter is back

some things are just plain fucking stupid. one of those things is weis market.

dominique and i decided to cook a hearty beef stew tonight, to be served out of bread bowls. since i dont have an extra 4lbs of beef lying around the house, we had to go to the store. so, after a lovely lunch, we stop by giant to get some food. they're closed. now, i think its fucking stupid when stores, even if privately owned/not affiliated with the government, close for huge holidays. cuz jews, muslims, and other non-christians dont eat right? of course. i understand they can do whatever they want, and maybe employees would ask for the days off and shit, but please, if you run a fucking supermarket, just be open. especially on a fucking sunday. even on non-holiday sundays the supermarkets are packed cuz people need to shop for the week.

and it doesnt even make sense to have easter on a sunday. why is easter a floating holiday? we know so much about jesus, how do we not know what day he rose from the dead? jesus is a bigger flip-flopper than kerry. did you rise in march, or april? get it straight! our country wants answers! plus, didnt god rest on the seventh day? since everyone knows sunday is the first day of the week, then the seventh is saturday. so open your fucking store on sunday.

but even worse than giant is the weis market. now, weis was actually open today, so i bet you're wondering how that can be worse than giant. well, besides the fact that weis is dirty and sketchy, they arbitrarily decided to close at 3pm. also, we got there at 3pm. there were still people in the store, and people coming out of the store. the parking lot was full, or as full as the weis one gets. as we're walking in, some old motherfucker tells us they're closed. bullshit.

so, we're getting back into the car to go over to walmart, and as i'm sitting down then turning to open the passengers door, my fucking back goes out. cuz i needed the injury to go with the insult of not being able to shop at the shittiest store in town.

i will ask this one last time: dear old lady on crutches whose dog i saved - you seem to know a lot about karma, and claimed that i would have lots of fantastic karma, so answer me this: WHERE THE FUCK IS MY GOOD KARMA BITCH?!

you heard it here second

dominique is coming to visit this weekend, meaning i will be neglecting coalm for a few days. but i've posted a bunch in the last week or so, so you've got some posts to sift thru.

in the meantime, you all can ponder how wonderful eating meat is.

the key to success part 2

don't skimp on materials.

after my 3pm class i went back to home depot to see if there was anyone less incompetent to cut some keys. as it turns out, i would've been lucky to get someone equally incompetent. i didnt even get to the stage where i hand them my keys. i didnt even talk to them outside a grumble.

i walk in, and there's an old guy already standing by the key kiosk waiting to be helped. there arent any home depot employees in sight, other than cashiers. he informs me that he's been waiting for 15 mins. he then tells me "at least you cant complain about the service...there isnt any!" since i didnt have any intentions of waiting 15 mins, i asked the cashier to call someone to the key stand. so a girl finally comes (a different one from this morning). they old guy says "what took you so long? i should start shopping at lowe's." haha, excellent. so she takes his key, and is fiddling with the machine. she clearly doesnt know how to operate it. "don't know what you're doing, do ya?" he asks. point #3 for old man (i'm totally gonna be this guy when i'm older). she insists that she does, and tells him to "be nice." another woman comes over to help the first. i'm thinking to myself, god they probably just need to plug it in or something.

well, i didnt realize how close to the truth that would be. it wasnt unplugged, but it turns out the power had been cut. ok, flip the breaker. they call some guy in the back to do it, and ask us if we have 5 mins to wait. cuz it takes 5 mins to flip a breaker. so the old guy says whatever and walks away. then they talk to the guy again. apparently, he already called someone, so there was no way to know how long it would be. i didnt know home depot outsourced their power experts. so i just turned and walked away. "i'm sorry sir!!" "mehhh." home depot's slogan is "dream it. design it. do it." that's all fine and nice, unless "it" is get inside your home i guess.

so naturally, i go to lowe's. i find the key stand, and wait. and wait. i caught the eye of several cashiers, so i made the poor assumption that one of them might call for help. seriously, i should know never to assume anything. ever. EVER. so after a few minutes, i ask one of them to call someone. they do. a woman comes over. great, time to copy some keys.

or not. the woman cuts a "copy" of my key, but it comes out a slightly different shape still. she examines my key further. she then tells me that they dont have the right kind of machine to cut my key. i need a machine that can start at the opposite end as their machine (and apparently home depot's). the closest place she knows of with said machine is in a town 20-25 mins away. fuck that. lowe's motto is "improving home improvement." unfortunately, while they offer many indoor accessories, it's hard to improve the inside of your home when you can't get there.

so basically, home depot and lowe's should go off together and have a matrimonial ceremony to celebrate their shared douchebaggery. then they can take turns fucking each other up the ass, like they each deserve. at least there wouldn't be a shortage of wood.

the f list

as in failure. jesus, who would've thought that britney and "k-fed" would be such bad parents? how about everyone. and as much as conservatives dont want to hear it, this problem could have been solved by two words: recreational abortions.

stats tending towards MVA (most valuable abortionist) award:
1) ams ratio = (abortions + miscarriages)/sexual encounters
2) abortions per month
3) style points, for creative use of a hanger
4) loss of points for each baby (double points for twins, triple for triplets, etc)
5) 15 point penalty for use of contraceptives


hey, mississippi might finally win something.

the key to success

is often not being retarded.

i went to home depot today, to copy a key. it's not a difficult procedure. you pick out the right key, stick said key and the key you want to copy into the machine, and turn the machine on. the key, if you will, is choosing the correct key to use as the copy. i dont think this is brain surgery.

however, for one young woman at home depot, it's at least as difficult as, let's say knee surgery. for the guy behind me in line, she stuck his key into a tester thing to match the key. she didnt do that with mine. thanks for that bitch, cuz now you fucked it up. maybe there's a reason you're in your early 20s and working at home depot. the world needs retarded key copiers too.

hello...photo

yesterday my photo of santos was back in my folder in the mail room. this could mean only one thing: the photo contest is over. santos did not win, nor did he come in second. but slightly less appauling were the totals from this week long fundraiser (and i use the term fund loosely).

the entire event was actually a photo contest/bake sale. the photo contest brought in a whopping $60.74, and the bake sale made $123.43, for a grand total of $184.17. all of this goes to the louisiana humane society. by my calculations, it should be about enough to get this cat's leopard skin shirt dry cleaned.

moral of the story: dont try to get donations from people who owe tens of thousands in student loans. maybe someday all those dirty south pussies will be loved, though i doubt it.

the fat facts

is this surprising? i think a good general rule is if you cant see your genitals, you're fat.

this would be sweet, but i would definitely lose out to all the fat people. also, its for kids. so, i guess the fat kids, who come from fat parents.

deconstructing jesus

finally, god released his much anticipated FAQ website. everything you ever wanted to know about god is answered right here!

anonymous, inc

a little something for all you "i must stay anonymous" psychos out there to chew on

her brother's also a loser

he wanted to be a tv weatherman. he's never realized that dream. a loser either way.

motivational monday

yeah phil!

suck it, righties!

master-baters

if you're a golf fan, or know a golf fan, then you know that the masters is this weekend. you might also know that the masters is a major, the first of the year. in other words, in the golf world, this tournament is huge.

so it baffles me how poorly usa/cbs have covered it. generally, tourneys like the british open are covered from 10am-6pm, and that one sucks way more than the masters. other than the lame ass "feel good specials" there hasnt been any extra coverage of the actual event. and, since usa/cbs hold the rights to it, when they're showing crappy reruns of soap operas, monk, and the local news, other channels which might actually be interested in showing live play (the golf channel), cant.

and its not like i could watch extended coverage anyhow, because i have these two huge papers due in two weeks, but its really the principle of it. cuz when i'm eating lunch, i'm pissed that coverage isnt on yet. they're on the course, so it should be. so maybe instead of showing lame reruns of shows that were never good to begin with, or lying in newscasts, usa and cbs should cater to what people actually want, good golf coverage. personally, i'd rather stare at the wall than watch most of the shit either of those channels shows.

i'm not bitter at all.

money in the bank

i recently earned the easiest $20 of my life. last week, i was sitting in class with one of my friends, making fun of her for missing an earlier class we had together. at this point, she told me that she had missed that class a lot, and so she wouldn't miss it for the rest of the semester. naturally, i called bullshit. so she says "wanna bet?" i asked the stakes, and she said $20. absolutely. now one of the reasons this bet was so easy is because our class meets on fridays. so, i show up on friday morning, and of course, she's a no-show.

money in the bank, my friends, money in the bank.

rcgay

tonight i taped a television show for dominique. to do this, i have to hook up my smaller television to the cable, since it has a built in vhs player and i dont have a separate vcr to attach to the regular television in my living room. this is all fine, until the end when i have to hook the cable back into the rca television i have in my living room.

the jack for the cable is on the back of the rca, just like any normal television. however, for whatever reason, the brilliant designers over at rca put it in the corner of a setback portion on the bottom of the reverse side of the tv. what this really means is it's almost virtually impossible to fit your fingers in the setback portion well enough to screw the cable wire back into the television. especially when you have manly fingers like i do (read: i crack my knuckles all the time. i just did it again). my fingers are so manly that tom cruise said "normally i take 3, but 2 of yours will do." naturally, i replied "sorry tom. first, that was not an offer, and second, i thought the restraining order said 500ft." but i digress.

but then i got the cable back in, and the world was right again.

the first step

ok, i admit it, i have a problem. it plagues me almost everyday, and i'm quickly losing control over it. i get very frequent headaches.

basically, advil is my 6th food group (or just add 1 to however many the "nutritionist" of the week tells you there are. let's face it, basic nutrition is not unlike meteorology...common sensical. eat in moderation and exercise, and you're fine). since saving the puppy on monday, i've had a headache every day, including a migraine yesterday (how's that for good karma). in about 7 months, i've gone thru a giant bottle of 200 advil (28.6 advil/month) not counting the ones i've taken from my supplementary bottles in both my car and backpack.

i have always lived with these headaches, but realized it was a problem when i was talking to my buddy ryan today at school. he asked how i was doing, and i said not bad, except for my headache. to which he replied, "man, you always have a headache every time i see you." he's right.

so we were thinking about possible causes. maybe it's allergies? i've been to the allergist and take daily allergy medication, so this is not likely it. do i need glasses? i have them, for reading/working on the computer/looking in the mirror (man, i'm so fucking hot in my glasses). maybe stress? i do have a lot on my plate, but i'm happy these days. my life is going great and, despite daily bitchings, i couldnt ask for anything else.

so then i was thinking maybe society is to blame. if something goes wrong, it seems society is a popular place on which to shift blame these days. or other people. or maybe i get headaches from all that tv violence. no, it's probably legalized abortions and the liberal media.

but in the end, i think the real answer is that this is just "the man's" way of holding me down. i wonder if there's a minority scholarship for frequent-headache-sufferers...

snack, crackle, pop

i'm fairly certain that the rice krispies i just had were the healthiest thing i've eaten in days. well, i had some strawberries, but i neglected to wash the pesticides off, so it's a toss up. but i was looking at the health label or whatever on the side, and all the bad stuff was in single digit %s. then i looked down at the vitamins and minerals, and there were a few 10%s. hmm, so if one rice krispie treat only has 4% of my daily recommended fat, then i could eat 20 of them and still have 20% of my fat left for another meal. score! kelloggs, you magnificent bastards, you've done it again!

oh the douchebaggery

if you ever go to law school, you'll learn one thing: it never ends. what is this "it" you ask? everything. but mainly douchebaggery. here's a fine example...i just got the following school-wide email:

ATTENTION:

The small clock in the English Lounge has a dead battery and is really bothering me. It is stuck on 7:30 or so, and I missed my 11:30 class because of it. I checked the clock, and it requires only one AA battery. If someone could please bring in a replacement battery (preferably one of a reliable brand), I would greatly appreciate it. Thanks!

Nick

seriously? listen, maybe your mom still wipes your ass and your dad--ok i wont go there right now. but in the "real world" there's this thing called getting up off your lazy ass and doing things for yourself. good fucking god. if they're not lame, they're morons. if they're not morons, they're just straight retarded.

pet photo update

i went to the cafe again today to check on how the contest was going. as of 2pm today, santos' cup had a whopping total of 14 cents in it. the photo of the kids with the stuffed dog had over $1. it should be noted that i no longer question the validity of this contest. now i know it's bullshit. and i still know that law students are fucking retards. oh yeah, [insert touchy-feely heart warming clause about how all the money goes to charity and that that's the most important thing here].

to add insult to injury, take one guess at who one of the kids in the photo with the stuffed dog is. that's right, it's this douchebag (adam) again. did you enter the pet contest because i didn't hate you enough already for being an anal, whiny, non-spellcheck-using retard? hey, here's an idea. if you want to raise money for charity in a way that you think is funny, maybe you should "do it on your own time, preferrably in person,. . . approprtiately" sent to your charity of choice. it seems to me, if you're going to have the sense of humor of a rape victim 5 minutes after fornication for one thing, you should have it for all. oh right, but we were filling your inbox. crap, my bad.


in other news, it appears that to get my random exam number (read: be allowed to take my finals), i have to complete and return a "presummer survey or interest form" along with my summer address. how about this, career services: instead of asking me what i'm doing, HELP ME GET A FUCKING JOB. i've had numerous appointments with career services this entire school year, and the only thing i got from them was a desire to kill. supposedly, the interest form will "assess your geographic and practice area preferences." ok, so what do i do if i went into the office with them and you were more worthless than a quadriplegic triathlete? where's the survey for that? they should really just put a sign on the door of career services that says "if you want to work to work outside this godawful state, fuck you go away." maybe when i have a job i'll give you a summer address. although, once i leave town, i never want to hear from you again.

finally, still waiting for that good karma to pay off. did i just negate it here? oh, right, karma is bullshit. my bad again.

dicta does deliverance

we all know i'm pretty much the most awesome person out there. now, i dont like to mention it on the blog that much because there's no point in making everyone else feel down about themselves, but when i save lives it's ok.

i was walking to my car after class today, when i saw a little puppy chasing a kid up the sidewalk in front of me. at first i didnt think anything of it, other than that's a cute puppy. i dont know what kind he was since i'm horrible at remembering breeds, but i guess he kinda looked like this, except his face wasnt black, and he was tan in color.

but then i saw this old lady on crutches come down her driveway, whistling to try and get the dog's attention while he stood on the curb sniffing at car tires and the like. the dog was oblivious. as i kept walking towards him (and my car), he was making his way further and further from home and closer to the street. when i got to my car, i got down and called him over. he came over right away to investigate me. i picked him up and carried him back into his yard for the old lady. she kept thanking me and told me that my level of good karma had just risen astronomically.

dicta saves lives. you heard it here first.


UPDATE on why karma is complete bullshit (other than the obvious reason that the notion that one action you take might have a positive or negative impact on a future, independent, unconnected event is ridiculous): i was just walking thru my kitchen/bathroom area and stepped on the most ridiculously painful splinter. it should probably be noted that the tile in the kitchen/bathroom is fake plastic-y tile, not quite splinter-laden. if that's good karma, then it's time to even things out by pushing someone in front of a bus.

confirmation

today before my last class i stopped by the law school cafe to see how the pet photo contest was going. santos was by far the best looking pet up there, but my biggest fears were confirmed: the students' names are posted along with the pets' names. there is even one picture of two kids holding a stuffed dog, and they allowed that to be entered. this could easily blow up into a popularity contest. in fact, i would argue posting the pic of the stuffed animal is just that. to put money into that cup is to say "hey that's hilarious" or "i know/like that kid." this would hurt santos' chances though, as 1) i transferred here so i dont have that "first year shared experience" bond with anyone here (though i do still have it with friends at my old school), and 2) lots of law students are douchebags anyway, and why would i want to be popular amongst douchebags?

and i know, the money is for charity. but i dont give money to charity, or organizations that claim to be charities. is my money going to food and housing for the people who need it, or am i paying some chairperson's salary who will use my money to buy a hooker on his "business trip" to new orleans? i'm not going to risk it to find out.

you dont give to charity, you do charity.

misadventures at giant

i could probably write a weekly post about grocery shopping because it seems something noteworthy usually happens each time i go.

today i get my cart as i'm walking in, and it's the loud one. great. but actually, it was great. even people with their backs squarely to me could hear me coming, and everyone got the hell out of my way. it was glorious. i didnt get stuck behind one person all day. this is a new record.

in other shopping news, i've amassed enough points on my bonus card to receive either a free turkey or a free ham. i dont know which to choose. thanksgiving is probably the best holiday food-wise, but i'm also a man who loves a good ham wallet. what's a blogger to do?

playing with balls

it's officially baseball season! hell yeah!


also, i hope the person from new zealand looking for a gynecologist had a little more luck with their other hits. my training is strictly informal.

motivational monday

my dad's a gynecologist. he looks at vaginas all day long.

not much is better at 5am than kindergarten cop and a roast beef sandwich.

we're going to play a wonderful game called "who is my daddy and what does he do"

leggo my...lego

here are some great lego scenes from the bible. props to dominique for finding it.

1) brokeback lego

2) bear fucker lego

3) find the peanut!

4) the jeffersonian approach

5) spies stick together

6) holy pile of foreskin

7) for the love of...well...you, save luke perry!

8) i didnt know duke was around back then

9) samson!

10) how come the lego men dont remove their shirts?

11) preheat the oven

12) who knew eve liked it in the butt?

13) dude, that's your cousin!

14) dude, that's your other cousin!

15) oh no, pull out!


if one lesson can be learned from all of this it's that legos rock! but if 2 lessons can be learned, one is still that legos rock. the other is that way too many guys in the bible buttered the muffin of their relatives.