Confessions of a Litigious Mind

The random, irrelevant musings of a law school graduate.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

round is a shape

dominique heard about this thing at work that's sponsored by our state. it's a program to motivate residents to stay in shape. dominique formed a team with some people she works with, and i thought it was a good idea so i agreed to join. evidently, your team competes with other teams in categories like weight loss or exercise hours per week. of course it's all done on the honor code, but i don't think the point is to win. i don't even know if you win anything. i don't care, really. which is unlike me, true, but i just like having the motivator. i don't make new years resolutions and this will give me motivation to work out. plus, it doesn't start until feb 4 so i have a few more days of sloth left. i also had to guess at my current weight since we don't own a scale and i don't know the exact number. so, i figured might as well be generous. i might already be ahead of the game.

our team has 7 members. i don't know what kind of a draw programs like this get, but i hope it's huge (pun not originally intended, but i kind of like it now). i'm sick of seeing gross fatasses everywhere i go. it almost ruined the chinese buffet for me. almost. it would have, except for the fact that in addition to being grossed out i also started feeling pretty good about myself. can't have average without fat. it's too bad they don't have programs like this for stupid. i guess it's called school, which is also why i guess there's lots of stupid around still.

stupid aside, i need some good getting-in-shape methods for the colder months. i generally run outside when it's either bearable or warm, but winter just pisses me off. plus, once golf season starts i can walk 18 and carry my bag for exercise. so it's really just a month or so of the cold. however, don't suggest cross country skiing. i'm not a skiier, so that's out. also, joining a gym is not an option. if i wanted to pay to hang out with a room full of sweaty half-naked meatheads i'd...well...join a gym.

anyway, let the great experiment begin...

Monday, January 28, 2008


dominique and i are watching "intervention" tonight. i don't know who needs it more, the meth addict daughter or her nebraskan family who thinks she's going to hell because she's a lesbian.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

this ought to keep you busy for a while

most wanted lists.

pictures, also if your state doesn't have much linked from that site just google "[your state] most wanted" and the first or second link should do the trick.

i can't believe how many people try to rob banks. so cliche.

Monday, January 21, 2008

so fresh, so clean

i think the next building over from my office manufactures spray paint, because on most days the walk from my car to the building smells delicious.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

the world has officially gone mad

i recently made an appointment with an allergy doctor here in my new state because my old allergy doctor who has seen me time and again for years decided he was going to be a goddamn prick (read: a normal doctor) and not authorize refills on my medication without an in-person visit. i guess i needed to switch doctors anyway, but this certainly gave me a reason.

the new doctor has a pretty extensive website, on which there are forms to print off and fill in for the first visit. at first i didn't like this, but the more i thought about it, it's pretty sweet. i can fill the forms out in my underwear on the couch and it cuts down my time in the office. nice.

so i'm reading the privacy disclaimer they make you sign about when they can release your medical information, etc. it's all pretty standard, except for one paragraph, which most likely is indicative to the fact that the end of the world is almost upon us:

we may disclose your health information to authorized federal officials who are conducting national security and intelligence activities or providing protective services to the president or other important officials.

[new allergy doctor]: no officer, [dicta] couldn't possibly have hijacked that plane and guided it into that building. that muthafucka's allergic to dust!

Monday, January 14, 2008

wintertime, and the livin's easy

i've officially been done with school for about 8 months now. during that time i went from unemployed bum in my parents' house to professional gambler in my parents' house to professional gambler in an apartment to someone with a "real job" in an apartment. and while the job search was frustrating at times, i have to say, it's been freakin sweet so far.

everyone always kept telling me, "stay in school." "school is awesome. the real world sucks." "you don't want to graduate, it's all downhill from there."

and you know what?

everyone was wrong. i freakin love the "real world."

i can still live in an apartment with anyone i want.
i can still go out drinking on weekends (or any other day i please).
when i get home from a day of work i actually feel like i've done something productive.
i like my job.
i get paid every other week.
when my day ends at 5, i go home and don't have to think about work/papers/exams.
i'm able to keep a regular schedule, as opposed to random class times with fluctuating gaps in between.
i like all the people i work with, but even if i didn't it's easier to pick and choose who i'm around most of the time.
i still get to learn everyday, and i do. and i have more freedom regarding the topics about which i learn.
i can do what i want, which is how i like it.

i guess some of the people who don't enjoy the real world probably feel stuck in shitty jobs they don't like. to that, my response is simple: get a different job. do something in a field you enjoy. of course, you have to be realistic. most people will not get their dream job right away. maybe it's something you work up to. but it's something to work for. it's unrealistic to expect to get your dream job right out of school, unless your dream job is to be an ass-wiper (i'm still accepting applications). i don't know whether it's level of education, upbringing, or something else, but i think a lot of people feel that for some reason they're entitled to the job they want, and it just doesn't work that way. but if people start down a road they don't like, they're going to end up so far down the road that they can't see where they came from.

i had some extreme frustration last summer when i was applying to jobs. in the end it was really my own fault. i went to school for 1 thing, and i definitely didn't want to pursue it further. i changed my mind. and that's ok. i did it to myself. but i didn't let it cause me to lose sight of what i like, what i want. even though i was unemployed, i turned down 3 jobs before finding a job i love in a company within which i can develop a career. and i fully plan on doing just that.

so to everyone who told me to stay in school, thanks but no thanks. the "real world" kicks ass. unless you're talking about that stupid shit on mtv. mtv sucks ass.

Sunday, January 13, 2008

no, not me

i'm not in pennsyltucky anymore. remember? it's why i've been so happy. plus, if you thought it was me, you're not giving me enough credit. i never would've apologized.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

sweet sweet justice

i don't talk about my job too much. i really like my job. there isn't much to complain about, despite the fact that i deal with people for a majority of the day.

today i got to do something that fit right with my ethos. someone did something and tried to pawn the responsibility for the mistake off on another. but i didn't let it happen. i investigated, and discovered the truth. then i called the person on it. the great part is that there's now nothing they can do to evade responsibility. it's awesome.

suck on your personal responsibility bitch!

Monday, January 07, 2008

most eligible bachelor?

most eligible for parole?
most eligible for shower sex?
most eligible for hiding behind religion?
most eligible for pedophilia with foster children?
most eligible for disbarrment?
most eligible for irony: "In 2000, Zerola opened his own law practice as a criminal defense attorney. His clients included drug dealers and rape defendants."

Thursday, January 03, 2008


if you think about it, it's really no surprise that lots of people commit suicide in january. it's freezing cold out, and as if that wasn't enough on it's own, it also makes the idea of regular exercise outdoors seem quite unappealing. and it's ridiculous to pay $30/month to join a gym simply to run.

but the problem of january only gets worse. it's cold, so people stay indoors more frequently. i watch significantly more television during the shitty winter than i do during the awesome spring, summer, or fall. the problem is, january is all reruns. hardly anything is new now, and stuff that is sucks. i don't watch a lot of tv to begin with and i think most shows suck, but it's even worse now.

compounding all of this is the ridiculous coverage that the caucuses and other pre-election crap is getting. there are still 10 months until election day. i hate to break it to the politically excitable, but the candidates just repeat all the same old shit for most of the time up until the election. some will break out late "surprises" to try and sway voters, but right now it's all the same old promises that will inevitably be broken by the future winner by a claim of misinterpretation.

it's a good thing the home life and the job are going well, because i'm getting pretty antsy around here with this crappy winter. i haven't played poker in almost 5 months and i haven't golfed in 3 months. winter = torture.