Confessions of a Litigious Mind

The random, irrelevant musings of a law school graduate.

Monday, April 30, 2007

we could not help from flinging shit in our modern suits and ties

what the fuck did i just pay $83.74 for? i'll tell you what, a fucking graduation gown rental. oh, but i get to keep the fucking cap. ohhhhh, well now i'm ok with it. give me a fucking break. one last final gouge before we get the fuck out of here. and the gowns must be turned in by 2pm on the day of graduation. graduation starts at 11. at least i fucking know i won't be there longer than 3 hours. now i know every school charges for this shit. but our school has been so fucking retarded and put, particularly this senior class, thru so much bullshit that they should cut us a break. i mean christ, we go to school in a fucking truckstop. i could probably work in a goddamn mine and breathe cleaner air than i do at school. all this shit now is to improve the ranking for future students at the expense of the current students. well fuck that. some people say one person can make a difference, others say they can't. well, not only will i not give one fucking red cent to this shithole, but i will actively deter prospectives from going here and i'll talk shit about this place anytime the opportunity arises. besides, after a few years in the workforce my degree is irrelevant, not even worth the paper it's printed on. of course, that's debatable right now too.

Sunday, April 29, 2007

vomit inducing

aren't there public interest/civil rights groups that could make a big deal about this since the teacher can't afford to? what good are these groups if they don't take up something like this, anyway?

what does it mean when high school students are more tolerant and mature than adults? is it the apocalypse? maybe it just means the adults are out of touch, stubborn, and wrongfully stuck in their ways? was jesus this closed-minded?

yeah, let's outsource jobs to india, china, and mexico. because it works so well with customer service. and let's make food there too. food is ok, just don't drink the water.

i don't know who's more retarded: richard gere or india

this is just sad.

there's a saying that no news is good news. this might be true, i don't know. but i do know it would never happen because then giants like cnn and fox news would be out of business. so instead they just feed us shit that's not really news. i try to keep up in the hopes that maybe i'll learn something important that's going on today, but i never do. it sucks.

and i laugh all the way to hell, saying yes this is a fine promotion

it had to be done, so i stepped up and did it. i left a note on mary's door telling her that she needs to keep her cats inside or else animal control would be called. besides being a general hassle when i take santos outside (hissing at him, and/or distracting him so he doesn't get his shit done, literally), they attract other stray cats and some dogs into the area, who then shit in our yard and it never gets cleaned up. and my neighbor paul has told me that the cats also will jump on the cars and leave paw prints. this hasn't happened to my car yet, but this is no longer the 7 year old corolla--i'm not willing to wait around until it happens.

the only thing that i didn't do that i maybe should have was sign the note. but i didn't do this for at least 2 reasons: 1) i pretty much speak for all of our neighbors, at least on our side of the building, who all hate the cats and wish they didn't exist, and 2) selfishly, i am out of this horrid place in 2 weeks now and i really just don't want to ever have another interaction with disgustingly gross mary for the rest of my life. i used to occasionally be pleasant and say hi, but after she went into (lazy/gross/smelly) bitch mode, i just ignore her when i walk right past, and if she says hi i just kind of mumble something. even i'm not sure what.

anyway, even though it's unsigned i hope she doesn't think it's a joke, because i will call animal control. cats are so worthless.

Friday, April 27, 2007

i'm never wrong, it's just sometimes i'm only mostly right

i bitched a lot about my seminar professor and how she was retarded, insane, and horrible. i stand by those comments. but she's not all bad. she left the graduating seniors in the class mini bottles of wine in their mail folders with a congratulatory note. the gesture is really nice, however, i wish i had the wine before each class meeting. it would've proven more useful that way.

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

even m&m dicta will still beat the crap out of you

Tuesday, April 24, 2007


sometimes things are really ridiculous and they need to be weighed in on.

1) parts of this make me sick. really sick. it's fucking 2007.

2) i think i heard about this study back when it was entitled "common sense"

3) who knew they had the time to do this between all the diaper wearing, threat making, and murder?

4) tell me something new. this story appears every single day, just with a different title. it's no longer news, it's regurgitation.

5) see? if we were more efficient at killing criminals we wouldnt have this problem.

6) brancy, this one's for you.

7) finally, get in line behind priests and established sex offenders.

this last one reminds me of something. a friend of mine has a...challenged...little sister. i think it's probably autism. anyway, the short of it is that her sister signed onto my friend's AIM screenname and im'd me the other day, then added me to her own list. she says she's 19, but she talks and acts more like a 12 year old. i was polite, but told her she should not im me anymore. but she's done it everyday since then, and it's getting really fucking annoying. and i only have so much patience. if she does it again today, there will be a stern warning and she'll be blocked. usually i just ignore it or tell her to stop.

but my point is, where the fuck are her parents?! you've got an autistic kid who sends messages to strangers online asking if they want a girlfriend...why the fuck aren't you watching this kid or what she does?! it's practically begging some sex offender to find her. the family is ridiculously religious though, so maybe they're praying for her. well, they should thank god that it was me she im'd this time, but i'd say pray a little harder for the future. that's sure to fix it.

now if you'll excuse me, it's 1225pm. time for me to pray for world peace.

Monday, April 23, 2007

2 things

1) this is the dumbest, most ridiculous award ever. she gets $25,000 for being a texting champion? that's retarded. and by the way, what 13yr old sends over 8000 texts a month? so worthless. of course, she is from pennsylvania, so that's probably pretty self-explanatory.

2) this morning the poll asked who was the mvp of the red sox/yankees series this weekend. the options were 4 different red sox and a-rod. the problem is that more than half the states in the midwest picked a-rod. how retarded do you have to be to pick him??? yes, he hit a couple home runs in the series. but shit, mike lowell hit 2 last night! and most importantly, the red sox SWEPT the yankees! you might have nice stats, but you're not the most valuable if your team doesn't even win one game. and you're certainly not more valuable than any members of the winning team. fucking retards.

it's a SWEEP, bitches!!!! fuck yeah red sox!

Sunday, April 22, 2007

there's nothing like some good old kentucky justice

seriously, can new england secede yet? please? we'll take ny, ca, and the pacific northwest with us. you can keep hillbillies, guns, and god. however, i think we should build a wall between us and the southern united states. and border patrol. lots and lots of border patrol.

Saturday, April 21, 2007

i do

remember when NASA used to be prestigious?

Thursday, April 19, 2007

tomorrow we golf

i've only been about twice this year so far, so tomorrow has the potential of being ugly, but very fun. and i really need it, especially after our weekly poker game was cancelled last night. no doubt we'll bet on golf.

we're playing a course that's supposedly pretty nice despite being a municipal course. usually munis are poorly taken care of, but this one is maintained by prisoners. i bet it is nicer because why wouldnt they want to take their time and make it nice? i mean, once they're done they go back to jail. although i'm excited to play a course that i hear is nice, i just hope my car is there when the round is over.

i know i know, that's not fair, innocent until proven guilty, blah blah blah. except that these people are prisoners, so they have been found guilty. you see, it's really just better off that i'm not going to practice law. i know it wouldn't be good for me, and it probably wouldn't be good for too many other people either.

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

fucking internet

the internet fucks up like 5 times for each good thing it has. whether its on comcast's end, whether the router is just fucked, or whether it's an actual webpage, it's really fucking annoying. i guess it's not just the internet, but also piece of shit computers too (think fucking dell).

but when your website wont load and i call you up, dont fucking insist it's working just fine. i'm sitting here, in front of my goddamn computer trying to upload what you just told me is working. dont fucking lie to me. how fucking stupid do you take me for. maybe i should be more forgiving, given the average level of intelligence among american citizens. but fuck it, i'm not retarded so dont treat me like one. just fix your motherfucking website and get over it.


Monday, April 16, 2007

you let me change lanes, while i was driving in my car

i did a bit of driving over the weekend, which usually means i have some bitching to do. but today it's not the normal asshole-driving-slowly-in-the-left-lane stuff.

i'd be willing to venture that cops cause more accidents than they prevent. how many times do you see a cop sit on the side of the road, and people slam on their brakes or cut over to the right lane? even people who aren't speeding or doing anything wrong. it's ridiculous. they strain the flow of traffic, just so they can hit a quota. and to make it worse, the cop i saw was sitting on the shoulder not too far from the right lane, with all of his lights off, in the dark. it's clearly not about safety. you cant sit there in the dark at night with every light off and tell me its about safety. sure that helps you nab someone speeding, but what about the people who will brake or swerve when they're scared shitless after suddenly seeing a cop sitting in the dark on the side of the road?

second, what the hell is up with paternalistic drivers. for example, i was driving back on the interstate last night and i passed a car. i admit it, i was speeding, probably 80-85mph. it was dark out, but we were the only 2 cars within at least 3/4 of a mile either way. this asshole was riding on the center line to make matters worse, but i hugged the left part of my lane so as to leave plenty of space. then, once i get a few hundred yards ahead of him, he flashes his lights at me. hey, fuck you. i passed you, it's fine. you're fine, despite the fact that you're riding the center line like a dick. dont try to regulate what i do, it's just gonna get you flipped off.

the weekend was fuckin sweet though. i needed it. 26 days left until it's peace out pennsyltucky. fuck yeah.

Friday, April 13, 2007

i had to

i had to weigh in on the whole don imus thing. first, it's in my contract, and second, i think things are much worse now than they were before. i might be in a minority view here (pun intended), but let me explain.

nappy headed ho's.

does it have racial undertones to it? of course. should he have said it? probably not. BUT, i argue that the backlash from all of this is causing more harm than it is good.

how many times had i heard the phrase "nappy headed ho's" before this incident? i dont know, maybe once or twice, maybe never at all. how many have i heard it since then? over 100. and it's such big news, with imus being fired by cbs and msnbc and all, everyone knows about this. are you telling me the phrase of 2007 amongst immature teens (and adults) isn't going to be "nappy headed ho's"? i bet it is, unless something else comes along to replace it. the principle of it all might be right, but in theory communism is pretty sweet too.

and i'm not completely sure why people have chosen this incident. maybe cuz imus is extremely well known. but i've heard worse in recent history. i mean shit, gingrich didn't get fired over his "ghetto" comments. and there have been others. and let's be completely 100% candid here. at least one of the reasons is cuz he's white.

i take more exception to the outrage over the use of the word "ho" however. ho is everywhere. every rap song, every schoolyard. it's a word that in its now-common usage has really lost the qualities that once made it an insult. i call one of my good friends a ho all the time. she doesnt get offended because she knows i dont mean anything bad. and ok yeah, she's my friend, but still, there are much worse things.

i watched part of the rutger's womens basketball news conference on espn news the other day as they answered questions. it was basically a waste of my time as no one was going to say anything inflamatory or exciting. then i missed the answer to the one question i wanted to hear when the phone rang. the question was about the use of "ho" in all kinds of rap songs and pop culture. but that part hasnt been played back at all, so it couldnt have been too good either.

i dont know exactly what to make of it all, but i do know this: things are going to get a lot worse before they get any better.

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

recent happenings

matt got a job. good job matt.

dominique visited for the weekend. it was both fun and relaxing. too bad it was cold outside and even snowed a couple days, albeit without accumulation. i've said it before and i'll say it again: global warming my ass.

zombie jesus came back to life and gave me the flu on easter.

i've got a bunch to do between now and tomorrow at 2pm.

damon, did you have svedka vodka while in sweden? i got some in honor of you.

trying to find an apt, job.

mary's gross (roommate?) friend who's been staying with her who is even fatter than mary and is very butch. she doesnt have a problem with her body. she should have a problem with her body. once she was sitting in her underwear in a chair by the door in full view as i walk down my steps and just said hi to me as if nothing was wrong. another time she was just walking around topless and gross. law students make me vomit daily, i dont need this too. i think i'm going to have to call animal control on the cats soon just out of principle now.

peacin out to see dominique this weekend one last time before all that finals nonsense. it's gonna be sweet. i need it.

i'm tired.

Saturday, April 07, 2007

there's about to be an ethnic cleansing

if these fucking cats don't vacate our yard by tomorrow night.

Thursday, April 05, 2007

just in case you thought i was full of shit

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

did you know shopping carts cost $300 apiece?

neither did i. but you learn something new everyday.

there's a weis market on the opposite side of the block on which i live. there's a stream in the way however, so you can't walk directly to it, but rather must go around on the sidewalk. i don't shop there because it has a crappy selection of crappy old products at crappy prices. but mary does. and oftentimes she just wheels the damn shopping carts right on home. and leaves them either out front on the sidewalk or in the community area in back. and that's why we have a problem.

she did this very thing again last week. it looks really trashy having a shopping cart in the back (not that this place isn't trashy anyway, but that's not the point here), and especially when she just leaves it in the middle of the patio area. i let it go for a couple days, figuring she'd return it, but it has just sat there. come to find out, she almost never returns them. usually, our neighbor paul brings them back in his truck. so add lazy and irresponsible to crazy, annoying, fat, smelly, and gross as ways to describe mary. not that you couldnt glean lazy and irresponsible from the fact that she doesn't work, but whatever.

so finally i had it. paul shouldn't have to return it. mary should just not bring them home. if she doesn't buy a lot one time, she should just carry the bags home. and if she does, well she allegedly has a car now, so if she really doesn't want to carry them she can use that. the point is, i dont want to see that shit around here all the time (sometimes in the way), nor do i want to be held responsible should someone find it (we were almost all fined a few months ago because mary kept a bunch of random shit outside in the community area...though i certainly wouldn't have paid, nor would i have had to i'm sure).

so i called weis and told them. cuz i've had it with mary and all her shit. i've just had it. i hate her, and i hate all the shit she pulls. and she tries to act all nice and sweet so you cant get mad at her, but it's not working for me anymore. no way.

the weis guy was really appreciative, and described the process to me. it now goes something like this:

step 1: verbal warning directly to the customer (cut a hole in a box)
step 2: citation (put your junk in that box)
step 3: hopefully mary learns her lesson (let her open the box)

and that's the way you do it.

1215 UPDATE: i just got home from a night of poker to find a second shopping cart in the common area, stacked inside the first like it was at weis. this is not going to work for me.

i love baseball

i meant to post this around opening day, but seeing as it's still opening week i think it's still relevant.

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

why everyone should die, or alternatively, the best birthday in recent memory

last friday-saturday i met up with dominique and some of her collegues who were in philly for an anthropology conference. contrary to popular belief, i did not go to new york to see chocolate jesus, though i bet he was delicious. certainly much more delicious than the consecrated-bread-and-wine jesus of communion. the weekend started out ok, but as i reached the outside of philly i hit all kinds of traffic because people were just driving like complete assholes. at several points i was completely stopped. i realize that i was going into the city on a friday, but seriously people, my weekend will not be enhanced by seeing the smashed up truck headed westbound. at least not unless someone died and i could steal their bones for dominique. everyone was not only alive, but also well, yet we proceeded at a snail's pace.

but finally i reached the city and things looked up. i met dominique at her hotel, and we chatted for a few minutes. she then gave me a little birthday bag which included, among other things, tiger woods pga tour 2007 for xbox, which i am now addicted to. then we went to dinner at a nice little place. she got chicken covered with nuts, and i got chicken pot pie. it was delicious, but i should've gone with the shepard's pie. oh well, next time. it was nice to get some time alone with her in the city.

from the restaurant we headed a few blocks over to an irish pub. we had planned on getting a drink or two then meeting up with everyone else at another bar. we sat down and ordered drinks and talked. at 10 we had to vacate our table so a dj could setup, so we found a new table upstairs in this cool room with tables that looked like they were just cross sections of trees and chairs with similar backs. we had the whole room to ourselves, despite downstairs and the bar upstairs having a good number of people. instead of meeting up with everyone we just stayed there because it was so much fun.

finally, towards the end of the night we met annie out at the sheraton bar. the drinks were more expensive but the atmosphere was nice. there were still a lot of anthropologists milling around in the lobby despite it being after midnight. i have a special place in my heart for hotel bars.

saturday we decided to go to a museum and grab some lunch on the way. being in philly, i of course wanted to get a cheesesteak. we just stopped at the first place we saw, a little diner type place. and still, the cheesesteak was fantastic. all you hear is true, they're damn good in philly. we even had to go back to the hotel before the museum so i could change my pants. true story.*

so we went to mutter museum at the college of physicians of philadelphia, which is a museum of medical oddities. awesome stuff like conjoined twins, weird bone formations, and anencephaly babies. it was great, and sometimes hilarious. for example, they had these really old metal tube-like things (dominique maybe you can refresh my memory as to what they're called) that doctors (or pervs) used to use to examine vaginas. good times.

finally, saturday night before i headed back, dominique and i went to dinner at a great seafood restaurant a few blocks from the hotel. the food was wonderful. dominique got crabs, and was nice enough to pass a little bit on to me. i have to admit though, it was good.

although the fact that i admitted to enjoying a part of pennsyltucky does make me want to vomit a lot, all in all it was a fantastic 2 day trip. i had a really good time. thank you dominique!

*story may not be true

Sunday, April 01, 2007

mlb opening day