Confessions of a Litigious Mind

The random, irrelevant musings of a law school graduate.

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

i got served

by elle! clearly, with exams fast approaching, this is the most important thing on my list of things to do. so here's the deal:

1. go into your archives
2. find the 23rd post
3. find the 5th sentence
4. post the text of the sentence in the blog along with these instructions
5. tag 5 more people to do the same thing.

drumroll please................

"i want to write more, but eh, simpsons/sloth taking over."

it would seem as though not much as changed since feb 2004. excellent. i'd hate to think law school has warped me into what i am today. i'm much more comfortable knowing i was always that way.

now for the part where i bitch slap...errrr, tag, my victims. it would seem as though most people i would tag dont have 23 posts yet, so their tags will just have to be pending. and i'm ok with that.

1) B Smuggs
2) l is for law school (holmes)
3) l is for llama (llarry, if he ever comes back from his apparent hiatus)
4) tuesday's child
5) oysters and beer

and there you have it folks. ironically, this is also my 23rd post on coalm, so make of that what you will.

when i need you most

see, i told you i'd be back. and quite soon at that. because i realized some things. first, i enjoy sentence fragments. but second, and perhaps more importantly, in an existential sort of way, blogging has become my religion. i've been doing it since jan 2004, mostly on MW (to which i still contribute), while coalm here is my new baby blog (incidentally, elle, this is my 22nd post, so i will hit that thing up upon my next post, which i assume should be soon). but it's not until these more stressful times (read: exams) that i realized the therapeutic value of blogging (or perhaps more accurately, re-realized. after all, this is my 2nd year). blogging allows an outlet for frustrations, musings, observations, and anything else that needs to escape.

for example, as a transfer this year, i had the wonderful pleasure of taking crim pro with first years. being fall semester, they have not taken any law school exams yet, and are scared shitless. its funny really. i cant wait until the pompous know-it-all in front bombs his first exam. arrogantly answering questions all semester as if no other solution is reasonable, his haughty aura of know-it-allism has slowly worn me down all semester.

i further found it comical when our professor told all the 1Ls that law exams are "easy." i think i can confidently say i know a thing or two about a thing or two. and one thing i know is that law exams are not easy. however, that does not mean they're something to be scared of, nor should one drastically alter their lifestyle simply for the purpose of getting those 2 extra points. even several hours later, i cant take what my professor said seriously, and i'm hoping he only said that in some vindictive plan to lure them to thinking it will be simple then bending them over like they were an illegitimate stepchild.

those are just minor examples of my overall point. there's something about the ability to say whatever you want whenever you want, and even get outside opinions if you want, that relaxes the mind and body. so then i guess my god would after all, i created my blog. i am blogmaster. i make the rules. i can smite people from my blog. i can be the reason for blog wars. my blog is created in the image of my mind, and all my posts originate from it. my holy book is whatever i say, and even if its not logical you have to accept it, and what it says, while on my blog. not to do so would be to face unappealing consequences, including, but not limited to, deletion and becoming the subject of libel.

an important aspect of my religion is my characteristic of all-knowingness. therefore, as god, i have the ability to answer the pressing questions, such as 'do you think there are hummers in heaven?'

to answer, i paraphrase rodney carrington: if i cant get a hummer, it'll be a real bummer. so, in the faith that i follow, you know the chicks swallow. if your halo is glowing then there'll be some real blowing, and it wont be gabriel's horn.

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

for the people

as most of you are aware, the next 3 weeks will be chaotic for yours truly. that said, i will do my best to honor my prior intentions to post every day or two throughout (prior consistent statement? woohoo. waaaay too much evidence). however, should i skip a few days, i thought i would leave a list of suggested reading material for everyone, you know, just in case. here are some blogs i have not linked to, but think you, my faithful readers, might enjoy:

1) you cant get arrested for being awesome
2) misty may's ass
3) i fucked ann coulter in the ass, hard
4) the cumspot
5) paris hilton sucks
6) angry black bitch
7) barely legal (not what you think)
8) stay classy, kansas city
9) the namby pamby
10) and of course, amazon, where you can pick up some of those lovely gift ideas mentioned in my nov 28 post.

pace yourself. don't you go dyin on me now!

ok, let's be realistic. of course i'll post. but still, 1-10 might interest you.

Monday, November 28, 2005

the point is fast, but it's too blunt to miss

now that most americans are 5-15lbs heavier, we can put those silly pilgrims behind us and focus on what the next month is really about: gifts.

let's face it, christmas is no longer about religion except for a devoted few. it's now santa's day. but let's not forget department stores, outlets, and other retailers. it's not only their day, but their month. xmas is now about vacation, gifts, and spending time with family and friends. and there's nothing wrong with that, but here's my question/proposal: can we just omit jesus altogether? sans midnight mass, xmas is a wonderful thing. why talk about all the shit jesus did then? i thought that's what easter was for. i mean, we all came out of vaginas, he just came out before his mom's cherry was popped. supposedly. i'm not sure that story holds water, no pun intended. ok yes it was. shutup.

so, can we please de-jesify xmas? no one's thinking of jesus when they're trying to decide if their girlfriend would rather receive the double sided dildo or the pink vibrator. well, maybe, if you go with the vibrator. cuz for god's sake if you dont also buy the batteries she'll be pissed off. but you get my point. even thinking about jesus for one day doesnt change all of what americans now consider to be xmas. save it for easter. besides, then i might be able to get enough sugar in me to stay awake during mass (not that i go).

so, with the xmas spirit in mind, here's a short, noncomprehensive list of gift ideas for yours truly:
1) this and/or this
2) this
3) this (ok not really, but if you give it to me, i can give it to your mom)
4) one of these
5) these
6) and finally, this

it began with black friday, and it will end the last week of december with everyone returning the gifts that just "weren't quite right." with this in mind, it would be nice if people showed a bit more patience with long lines in stores, or with depleted shelves. sure, your kid really wants the doll with the black eye who is on the phone with social services, but the south and midwest are quite populated. however, i'm sure there are many good-spirited individuals out there whose prayers will be similar to mine: santa, please dont die before xmas.

Sunday, November 27, 2005


well, i'm back in the lizzle, but i wont say it was an easy trip. my parents accidentally fed the dog this morning before the trip, which is not recommended. lets just say we got sickness from both ends on the ride. awesome.

however, the week on a whole was quite relaxing and refreshing, despite actual work done. here's a quick recap of the action, organized by day for your reading pleasure:

i drove home to my parents' place. i arrived. the end.

i slept late, and i deserved it. then i did work. i didnt deserve that. but then, midafternoonish, i decided to do something i hadnt done since mid-august; be a normal person. i went out to an outdoor outlet mall to get some fresh air, exercise, and see people. every time i leave the house seems to be either school or meal related, and that was getting quite old. so i went outside to be outside. i made the mistake of wearing uncomfortable nike shoes (nike sucks ass, but thats a whole other can of worms (and it has nothing to do with sweatshops)), when it was clearly still flip flop weather. my bad. wed night 2 guys came over for beer and cards.

i wake up and its snowing. got about 4.5 inches. it was nice when it was still falling, as opposed to when it was melting and splotchy/muddy/shitty. thursday morning at 1030 was the old thanksgiving day football game, but my friend called me at 930 saying he wasnt gonna make it. so, my laziness/desire for warmth kicked in, and since i dont currently have a flask, i decided it would be nicer to stay in the house. then my dad found the football game on the local tv station. i watched the game, but i dont know why. we got killed, and the game was just awful. the high school kids commentating were awkwardly painful and i wanted to slit my wrists (tip: when slitting wrists, always remember, it's not across the street, it's down the road). but all the good knives were already out for the placesettings, so instead i just sat there. then we turned the lions/falcons game on, but then after 2 mins i remembered i dont give a flying shit about either team (nor the cowboys/whoever in the late game) and i again wished they would show good fucking games on thanksgiving when everyone was definitely watching. so instead i watched an everybody loves raymond marathon. that show is awesome. then food. holy shit it was awesome. my mom can cook. it's all running thru my head so fast i cant describe it so i'll just say everything was there and it was fantastic. then i took my mandatory post-dinner thanksgiving nap. the rest of the night is kinda vague.

met up with a friend i havent talked to in several years. she always goes ghost when she gets a boyfriend. but on wed, while at the mall, i ran into her parents and sister, which then sparked a conversation that night, which led to this meeting. it was fun to catch up, and not much has changed (except possibly the lame status of her boyfriend, though i didnt meet him so who knows). then i had some dinner with my parents, turkey of course, and my 2 friends came by again for cards and beer. another friend called and invited us up, but i was unable to persuade the first 2 to get up there. so instead i got loaded at home. it works.

got up a little earlier, cuz i knew i would get together w/ the friends who had called the night before. did some work, then called my friends and headed up to their place. then it began. beer and football. then, thru a strategically placed selection of commercials, red lobster enticed us to pay a visit. at halftime, we head up, hoping to beat the crowds and hopefully the high prices. we didnt really beat either, but it didnt matter. top shelf margaritas, long islands, and beer. 3 big seafood platters. red lobster, you my only friend! plastered by 6, strategic phone calls were placed, then we headed to the package store to get some beer on the way home. an 18 of coors, the same of miller, and a bottle of tequila. we went back to their apartment, and friends filed in and drinking continued. then, drunken setback. and operation. you dont always know how the tequila will affect you until you unsuccesfully try to remove a broken heart. makes a man think.

and now back to today, here i sit back at the apartment, waiting for the last week of classes and two weeks of finals. time for a little relaxation and a lot of sleep.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

pour some gravy on me, in the name of love

leaving today to go home for thanksgiving for the first time in 4 years! man, i'm excited. i havent been close enough to home to go in a long time. family, friends, and great food. woo woo!

if my parents' computer is fixed (or if the new one arrives) i'll see what i can't do about updating this little baby.

happy turkey day all! and dont forget to celebrate what this day is really about: pilgrims making out with indians.

Sunday, November 20, 2005

woof woof whimper whimper

an interesting question arose tonight. a friend and i stumbled upon a picture, the caption of which was "every time you stick something up your ass god kills two puppies." we were discussing this canine euthanasia, but we were perplexed by one situation. maybe you can help us out, faithful reader.

if person A were to stick something up person B's ass, which one is responsible for killing the puppies? the one who sticks it up the other's ass, or the one in whose ass the item is stuck? (we are taking for granted that god, though performing the killing, is not responsible for the killing.)

we came up with two possible answers:

1) an equitable solution. since one stuck the object up there, and the other donated the ass, maybe they're each responsible for killing one puppy. this seems to be more of a policy argument than a fault argument. the thinking is probably that even one puppy should not be killed, and so people would be detered both from sticking things up an ass and from lending an ass.

2) you have to look to intent. within this option, there are still several situations:
a) if B asked A to stick a broom up B's ass, then B is clearly at fault and is responsible for the death of both puppies. A simply helped B achieve B's goal. but this also raises the question of A's consent. clearly, when A takes part in the activity, A is contributing to the action, the ultimate consequence of which is the death of two puppies.
b) however, if A snuck up on B and just shoved it up there without B's intent/consent, then it seems A is responsible for the death of the puppies, even though B's ass holds the object.
c) a more difficult situation is if A offers "hey, B, do you want me to stick the remote up your ass?", then B accepts, and it is done. though A had the original intent, it is not A's ass that is penetrated. furthermore, it seems as though B also has the requisite intent upon consenting. this situation might offer more strength to the equitable argument.

so who killed the puppies? and i only hope, dear reader, that you'll think twice from now on.

Saturday, November 19, 2005

two turntables and a microphone

things are at a good place. with the exception of finals, which are looming over me like a priest over an altar boy (i couldnt resist), i'm very pleased with how my life is going right now. in general i like law, and am excited to work. i have great friends, and a great family.

a(n) (optimus) prime example is last night. i bullshitted with two friends from undergrad for about 4.5 hours. we talked about everything from milfs to future plans to glory days part 2 (undergrad stories, part 1 being high school). and it was awesome.

but it also got me thinking how funny stuff works out sometimes. for example, i was friendly with these two during undergrad for sure, but we mainly just partied together. we didnt hang out all that much. but now i talk to them consistently and there are plans in the works for the upcoming months. and i wouldnt have it any other way. we have the same interests and senses of humor, and like a lot of the same stuff. one of them does like the yankees, which admittedly is a major fault, but i guess i can overlook that except for 19 days between april and october (not counting postseason). nobody's perfect. except me, of course.

on a side note, i love the dr. pepper commercial i just saw. not only does it play meatloaf in the background, but the guy buys tampons, does yoga, and folds panties. but dont touch his dr. pepper. classic.

i cant say i'm digging this weather lately. it doesnt know if it wants to be 70, or snow. does it want me to keep wearing my man thongs, or long johns? i can't tell!

well, i think i can safely say i have procrastinated long enough. i slept late, at lunch, watched a little home alone, and now i'm blogging. i desperately need to get some stuff done. anything i do this weekend makes thanksgiving that much easier. and i fully intend on enjoying family, friends and food next week. things are very busy, but they're going well.

and that's where it's at.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

deduct this, bitch

in the spirit of it being finals season, a little tax hypo to get the blood flowing back the brain:

suppose taxpayer, T, wants to start a new business as a pimp. though T smacks bitches for fun, he has never done it as a means of living, so he figures he should do more research into it. thus, T purchases "The Bitch-Smacking Bible" for $5000 (it is so expensive because few copies are left in print). at the end of the taxable year, T attempts to deduct the entire $5000 as a business expense, but the commissioner, perhaps appropriately, says "Bitch i don't think so." what result?

to begin, section 162 of the IRC allows deductions for expenditures incurred in a trade or business. assume T forms his biz.

there are 3 requirements for the biz expense to be deductible:
1) the expenditure must be ordinary and necessary (section 162)
2) it must be in a profit making activity and not personal
3) it must be current and not capital

the bible seems to fit the first requirement, as it is logical to assume that a pimp must somehow learn how to effectively smack his bitches if he wants to turn a profit. a book seems to be a reasonable place to obtain this knowledge.

since T purchased the book to start his biz, it also meets #2. however, had T purchased the book simply to smack bitches in his free time, then it would fail this requirement and certainly would not be a deductible expense.

however, to be deductible, the bible must be current and not capital. the general rule is that if the expenditure will be effective in producing income for more than 1 year, then it is a capital expenditure, and it is not deductible under IRC 263. it seems pretty obvious that once T gains this knowledge, he can smack bitches to keep them in line and turn tricks for years. it would seem as though the cool 5Gs would NOT be deductible for that taxable year.

but all hope is not lost for T.

since the bible is a capital expenditure, the $5000 goes towards his basis in his biz. so, if he spent $10,000 to purchase his hos from the whore agency (for simplicity's sake we'll assume that was his only other expenditure. in reality, he would obviously also need some ice, a hat, and a cane, at a minimum), then his basis in his biz would be increased to $15,000.

but there is the chance that the bible could depreciate in value thru T's use. for example, T could be so mad at one of his bitches that he flips thru the book so vigorously that the pages tear. also, the bible is only made of paper, which wears over time. since the bible is linked to a profit making activity, and also is not for personal use, depreciation deductions are appropriate.

from here, T will have to determine whether he wants to use the 200% declining method, the straight line method, or some other method to determine depreciation deductions. however, since he is most likely under a half year convention, he will only receive half of the annual deduction for year 1.

however, under IRC 179, since the bible qualifies as "section 179 property" because its tangible property to which section 168 applies, T can elect to write off up to $100,000 of the total purchase price. since the purchase price was only $5000, T has the option of deducting the entire expense for the current taxable year.

at the end of the day this is probably a very happy story for all involved. T will probably take it easy on his bitches tonight. this will make them happy, and they will be more attractive to potential customers, probably creating extra biz. this means extra income for T, and probably a nicer hat.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

i look just like buddy holly, and you're mary tyler bored

there has been a noticable lull over the past couple of weeks in coalm, so i'm doing my best to rectify it by posting more frequently again. i have been quite busy, but i dont see that as a reasonable excuse. how long does it take to blog, 5-20 mins? bitch, please.

question of the day: WWRJD - what would ron jeremy do? according to his documentary, he would eat cake off a woman's back while doing her from behind, and fall asleep while driving. while the second may not be too impressive, the first is really ingenious. maybe if i had the same knack for efficiency as ron jeremy, i would have been able to post more lately.

today is theoretically my big work day. only have 1 class, 1230-145. this afternoon is supposed to be an orgy of tax, environmental law, and criminal procedure. but here i sit at the computer, and i cant even deduct its depreciation cuz i'm not using it for business. which is too bad, cuz dell's depreciate quickly, as most pieces of shit do. i dell. did i mention i hate dell? ok, good.

furthermore, i dont see how me reading boring statutes about what the EPA administrator can and cant do will help the environment. the closest correlation i can imagine is that it makes me fall asleep, and the better rested i am the less likely i am to kill someone who pisses me off. but then i think, their body could be used for fertilizer as it decomposes, and smuggs could study their bones. so it wouldnt be a total loss anyway.

maybe crim pro is the most sensible option for me then. especially since tomorrow i'm in one of the "principally responsible rows," which means read so you dont look stupid when you get called on. but right now thats my only motivation, and i'm not even sure how strong that is. i'd rather be doing outlines and getting ready for finals personally. reading is for children and inmates.

i also have developed a headache over the last hour or so which is not helping the cause. and i miss tv too, as i dont get to it much anymore. in what i can only imagine was an act of jealous rebellion the other day, my cable went out. i thikn it's one of those things you have to continually use so it doesnt break. better get on that. there isnt even much on tv that i like anymore anyway though. i enjoy the reruns of seinfeld and everybody loves raymond, i like sports, and i enjoy the poker.

reality tv's not for me, and not just cuz it's not realistic. even if the events that occur were real, it still would not interest me. i could care less who's dating who, and where the drama's at. besides, without the 10lbs of mtv makeup, i bet half those rich, spoiled ho's are busted. and if i want to see a bunch of busted girls, i could always just go to wal-mart.

ok, well i hope this post assuaged the fears of my faithful readers that this post was over. in reality, it has only begun. as long as i have work, you shall have coalm.

Monday, November 14, 2005

time flies, even when there's no fun whatsoever

turns out thanksgiving is next week. who knew? evidently, the whole world besides myself. this really only means 2 things: 1) it's that much sooner until i finally make it home for thanksgiving and stuff myself, and 2) boy am i fucked.

the thing about law school is, you really should make, or at least study from, outlines because they are one of the best ways to keep the information organized. i prefer to make my own, because it categorizes the info in my mind as i do it, and also puts the info in an order that makes sense to me. but now there are only 3 weeks left in the semester, including this one, and all i have is part of tax outlined, as well as hearsay for evidence. man oh man, white boy's in a world of hurt.

this really just means that instead of drinking thanksgiving away while watching football, i'll be hard at work for much of the time. of course, i have to keep things in perspective. i will still see friends, still go to the football game, still go out at night. but during the days there will be much less sloth than previously anticipated and presently desired.

but at the same time, i think home might be an optimal place to get some of this done. my parents will help with the dog (after all, they miss him for than they miss me), meals will be made for me, and other stupid errands/cleaning won't need to be done. so that will be nice.

also, as luck would have it (maybe, you'll see what i mean), i have one exam on the first day and the other three towards the end of exam period. however, those last 3 fall within 2 days, including 2 back to back on one of the days. this is because i'm in a class that i hadnt taken at my other school which is a first year class here. since the rest of my classes are 2nd year, scheduling conflicts because normally people dont take both 1st and 2nd year classes. gotta love the benefits of transferring.

moral of the story: shit. i'm gonna have to bust my ass these next few weeks, but i've never let myself down in the past, so i'm sure it'll all work itself out. that's what i'm banking on.

Thursday, November 10, 2005

first came the oral, and now sweet relief

tonight my long week culminated when i had my oral argument. not technically, since i have 2 friday classes, but for all intents and purposes. it's been a long week. here's a summary:

1) got sick last weekend having lots of fun with friends from home. felt like butt all week.

2) my dog is sick now too. he has a parasite. dropped a cool $100 to figure out what was wrong and get the medicine, which by the way is applied for 3 days, then again 3 weeks later, then another vet visit, then 3 months later. no good.

3) my electric company is retarded. or maybe it's my landlord. he told me i need to switch the electric bill to my name. problem is, i've already switched it to my name, and have been paying bills since august when i moved in. my landlord sent me a bill (that he wants me to switch to my name) which says unit 3. i'm apt 2. but i think the electric company also mixed up the meter number and the apartment number. so either i've been paying hte right bill and my landlord is wrong, or i've been paying someone else's bill. either way, i'm not switching anything into my name until the other one's out.

4) had all of the regular work associated with law school to do, and also the oral argument.

but now, it's thursday night, the oral argument is over (went well by the way), and the weekend is almost here. i anticipate sleeping for much of it.

Sunday, November 06, 2005

mandatory sunday rant

i had a great weekend. it was awesome. 2 friends from home came to visit. we played golf, drank beer, and watched sports. but now they're gone, and it's back to reality and also shitloads of work. and to add insult to injury, i feel like complete shit cuz i'm getting sick. i'm tired and achy, and my throat is killing me. and that makes me cranky. so i'm just going to rant about whatever comes to my mind right now, and you're gonna read it. why? you're on my site to read, arent you?

1. if you take turns slower than i can walk aroudn the corner, you should not be allowed to drive. same goes for the old. if you're both, you shouldnt even be allowed to be a passenger. just your being in the car might make the driver retarded. and if you cut me off, you WILL get the finger cuz 1) you deserve it and 2) i like it.

2. giant supermarkets are great. the food is fresh, it's big, well lit, great variety. i enjoy shopping on sundays, or as i call it, soccer mom day. plus the giant check out girls are significantly better looking than the smaller, more local places. i guess there are benefits to chain shopping.

3. before you even tell me to take vitamin c for my cold, know this: god doesnt want me to. how do i know? cuz if god wanted me to take vitamin c he wouldnt allow stores to charge $7.41 for a tiny ass bottle of it.

4. having a washer and dryer in my apartment might trump any other one thing as the best part of my apartment. the space is nice, as is the location, but it's just a bitch to carry laundry to another building or even to a laundromat. crucial.

5. if you're offended by my cursing, dont be. i dont do it a lot, and it's not aimed at you. and if that minimal reasoning isnt good enough to keep you from being offended, fine. just dont tell me about it. cuz i probably dont care.

6. all i want to do is sleep right now

fuck it, time for a roast beef sandwich

Thursday, November 03, 2005


1. scooter libby indicted. he and cheney were so close, he could finish cheney's sentences (which he might be doing soon anyway). he was like the 2nd lesbian daughter cheney never had.

2. rosa parks died this week. instead of a moment of silence, the new orleans pd took a moment from beating the shit out of minorities.

3. harriet miers stepped down as supreme court nominee. the job would have deprived her from spending more time with the nothing she has at home.

4. the senate closed down, virtually ruining cspan for several hours. cspan's 3 viewers almost went into shock.

5. W celebrated the 1 year anniversary of his reelection. on a related note, israelis and palestinians actually got together and prayed for 2008 to hurry up.

6. and finally, 5 muslims were detained at giants stadium for congregating near an air duct on the same night bush I was in the stadium. it's such a relief to know that racism ended after the civil war.

7. i offended you in some manner (probably #2, but maybe a few others)

my job is done here. people these days dont respond to something unless they're shocked or appauled. however, i acknowledge my aim is misdirected, as i dont think my slim reader base is anyone who needs to respond to any issue raised above. but let's face it, if it's funny and offensive, you know i like it anyway.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

4000 words about halloween