Confessions of a Litigious Mind

The random, irrelevant musings of a law school graduate.

Wednesday, January 31, 2007

putting your balls where your mouth is

some people might argue that i hate weathermen. but in reality, hate isn't a strong enough word. meteorology is bullshit, and these people are paid good money to guess random shit and be wrong all the time. but that's not the point here, amazingly.

no, i'm actually going to praise a certain weatherman today. there's a commercial in my area where you send in a postcard or something and if the weatherman is off by more than 3 degrees they pick a card and someone wins a gift of something.

i would be more precise in my description, but i dont really pay attention to commercials. but the point is, finally a weatherman is giving back to the public after taking so, so much. if i see said commercial again, i just might send in a postcard.

Monday, January 29, 2007

following through

i've been the proud owner of santos for about 32 months now. i adopted him about a week after i graduated from college from the local spca. i have no doubt that he would have been saved by someone else if not by me, as he was by far the cutest animal there. which in turn, made him perfect for me.

adopting him was a bit of a hassle, and it almost didn't happen. this is because virginia has a rule that dogs must be neutered or spayed before they can be adopted and removed from the county. i wasn't going to be in town much longer, and if he couldn't be neutered that week i would have to leave him for the next lucky visitor. the spca brought him to the vet who initially said santos (then munch, how fucking lame of a name is that) was too young and his balls hadn't descended yet so he couldn't perform the procedure. but the spca obviously has an interest in finding good homes for the animals, so they brought him back at the end of the week and the vet determined that he could be neutered, and he was. so with a little paperwork and a fee of about $130, he was mine.

santos was a hit at the spca despite the fact that he was only there for about 2 weeks. all the workers loved him, both because of his interesting coloring and his friendly and playful demeanor. they asked me, and i promised, to send them pictures of santos once he grew up to full size so they could see what he looked like. this was something that has occasionally crossed my mind in the last 2 years, but i hadn't acted on. until today.

i emailed 3 pictures of adult santos to the spca this afternoon. i got an almost immediate response from a woman who says she worked there in 2004 and remembers santos. she said she will try to locate a picture of him from back then and email it to me. i hope she finds one.

i dont often feel any obligation to do anything for anyone outside my good friends and family, but over the years i've felt one to do this. it never made me feel too guilty, but when i would remember it, it felt like a nagging feeling. the workers made a lot of effort to help me adopt santos, and for that i've always been grateful. today, i finally finished what i had to do.

Saturday, January 27, 2007


i fucking hate weekends. i have 3 day weekends this semester which i thought would be pretty sweet. but it's really only enjoyable when i have things to do or people to visit. at least during the week i go to class. on weekends i sit around thinking about how much i miss dominique, how much i miss my friends, how much i miss my family, how much i absolutely hate this place. maybe it's the winter. i fucking hate winter, it's so goddamn depressing. everything's dead yeah, but that's not really the problem. how am i supposed to enjoy being outside when it's 2 degrees out? it sucks.

and dont give me that "well there's only 3 months left until you graduate" bullshit either. besides being grammatically incorrect, i'm just so fucking sick of people telling me that.

the result is that this whole situation leaves me doing 2 things: 1) my work, which i suppose is good, but i'm really not interested in a lot of it, and 2) waiting for the week to begin. at least by going to class i have distractions, and i might even learn something i find interesting.

it's funny because i probably wouldnt even be bitching about weekends if i had just one of the following here: dominique, friends, family, an interest in school still, a job i liked, warmer weather. but right at this moment today, it seems as though all my stars are aligned, albeit backwards.

the friend issue seems the most contradictory to me, because i do in fact have friends here. the problem is they're less friends-i-really-enjoy-being-with and more acquaintences-to-pass-the-time. as a transfer here, i dont have that 1L connection with anyone. i have a somewhat weaker 2L connection with some of the students i transferred in with. my friend dynamic is such that i have many random friends in many random groups, each serving a purpose, almost like a division of labor. i have friends with whom i occasionally go to dinner, i have friends with whom i golf, i have friends with whom i play poker, i have friends with whom i discuss philosophical issues, i have friends with whom i sit and talk in class, i have friends with whom i participate in clubs/societies/volunteering, etc. individually, during these activities it's fine. but on the whole, it's completely unfulfilling. i'm not unreasonable enough to expect to find all those things in a large number of people, but more than this would be nice.

whatever, back to reading so i can get the fuck out of here next weekend.

Friday, January 26, 2007

early valentine's day gift

a little sneak peek at what i'll be getting dominique for valentine's day. it got rave reviews at xmas. she's my special lady!

Dick in a box

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Thursday, January 25, 2007

paradise by the dashboard light

this morning on the way to school i put the radio on. i've been listening to the radio lately because i'm sick of the cds i have in the player, which is in my trunk, which i'm too lazy to change. anyway, i left for school at the perfect time to catch meatloaf's "2 out of 3 aint bad." and to top it off, right after the song the poet exclaimed that meatloaf is a "poet." i was thrilled. that's what i'm talkin about!

Monday, January 22, 2007

sometimes it's ok here

just as all this snow is forcing me to wear shoes and lose all hope for this town, something comes up to restore a bit of the class and tradition of the area and makes me think, "hey, maybe it's not so bad after all."

i was just sitting here in my living room, minding my own business, falling asleep while reading about first amendment issues and the internet when i hear this through my floor from downstairs:

guy: you got what you wanted! you got laid, that's what you wanted! now you won't even give me a fucking kiss!
woman: what? noooo.
guy: yes! you want a fuckin baby. i do everything around this fuckin house and get no respect.

a little later, regarding some subject that was muted by the floorboards:
guy: you better. . .bitch or i'll smash you in the fucking face!

ahhhh, maybe that's why she's toothless. between my school and my housing situation, this place sure is going to leave me with a lot of good fond memories.


today as i was driving back to my apartment after class on this worst day of 2007, some middle-aged bitch who just finished her grocery shopping cut me off so much so that i had to slam on the brakes. as she slowly rolled out in front of me to cut across the lanes and make a left hand turn, she mouthed "i'm sorry" at me. oh, you're sorry? OHHHHH, well then it's perfectly ok that you almost just totaled my car and killed yourself. then i dont mind, you stupid cunt. no, how about instead of apologizing you just be fucking careful when you drive! i dont think that's too much to ask.

first the snow and having to wear shoes today, now this. i laid on my horn and yelled "what the fuck" at her, gave her the obligatory middle finger (with eye contact, of course), and was on my way.

damnit pa

well, today's officially the first day of the year that i have to wear actual shoes due to snow. bullshit. i hate you even more now pa, if that's possible.

Sunday, January 21, 2007


i brought my trash out today, as the collectors come and pickup on my street on monday mornings. it was my first use this year of the new green bags, and i hate them. first, they have drawstring tops, which makes it really easy for anyone walking along the street to just sift thru my garbage. and they might here, it's a valid concern.

but second, and more importantly, the green bags, despite costing the same amount as the blue bags of 2006, are smaller. i struggled to fit 2 kitchen sized bags of garbage into 1 green bag, whereas it would easily fit into a blue one. well, this is bullshit. they clearly want more bags purchased. of course to me it's an invitation to just throw more trash about this shithole of a city. don't think this is the end of this one.

Friday, January 19, 2007

leave volunteering to the kids of UT

now i'm not going to advocate against all volunteering, that would be stupid. but there is one thing i don't understand. why do some volunteer organizations make it so difficult or tedious to volunteer? everyone always says they need more volunteers, so why be assholes about it?

i realize that for some types of volunteering certain training is required, and that's fine. but a perfect example of what i'm talking about is the VITA (volunteer income tax assistance) program i volunteer for. in order to participate this year i had to 1) sit thru a 3 hour tax lecture, 2) sit thru a 3 hour computer training session, and 3) pass the certification test, which is exactly comparable to last year's test.

you're probably thinking that's not too bad, but it's a huge pain in the ass when i have other things i'm doing. i have 5 classes for which i actually do work (despite what some blawgs might lead you to believe about law students), i'm in 2 other clubs/societies at the law school (no one can ever say my hatred for law school is due to not getting involved in shit), i have a poker night, and i enjoy some time for myself too. plus, the tax lecture is a huge pain in the ass since i've taken both federal and advanced income tax classes, as well as participating in VITA last year, at which time i heard the exact same lecture. is it really necessary for me to hear all the same shit for the 4th time? i think not.

as far as computer training goes, this year the program is online instead of downloaded. despite this, the program is basically the same, with only 1 or 2 minor changes. it would've been more reasonable to hold a shorter, 30-60 min session for returning volunteers, while giving the new ones the entire orientation.

and the certification test, oh for christ's sake. if you did it the previous year, you've proven your ability. i can see retesting someone after a very long break (e.g. making old people retake driving tests so they fail and cant enrage me on the road), but it's only been a year. if i cant remember how to file a tax return when people only give me a W2 and 1099 then i should be euthanized, really.

maybe i should get a job with a non-profit volunteer organization after graduation. we've already discussed how they pay unnecessarily high salaries all while feeling good about themselves for what they claim to do. just think, the money you donate can go straight into my bank account! you want to just give it to me now?

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

tips on being heard

faithful readers will recall many times i have informed the blogging/blog reading public about how retarded people at my school are. well, today i have even more proof (it never ends, really), as we got an email telling us how to use the microphones for the distance "learning" classes. tell me this isn't written for readers ages 4-7, which i guess is actually pretty appropriate. (it was sent to all students, faculty, and staff.)


As you know, the classrooms containing audio-visual telecommunications equipment have all been fitted with “push-to-talk” microphones in order to allow you to better communicate with each other during classes, meetings and other special events.

These high-quality, industry-standard, microphones are designed to be simple to use and, as with much modern electronic equipment, there is no physical button to push per se; instead there is an area on the microphone which, when touched gently, causes the microphone to operate. Only a gentle touch in the correct area is necessary to activate the microphone; there is no need to press hard -- in fact, pressing hard may interrupt the transmission and probably will cause finger fatigue.

By way of a reminder, here are a few guidelines that may make it easier for you to gain the maximum benefit from these microphones:

1. With minimal pressure, touch the microphone in the middle of the word “PUSH” located at the front edge of the device; begin speaking normally

2. Continue to press lightly on this area as you speak

3. Remove your finger when you are finished speaking

A small, green, “tally” light will glow when the microphone is touched, giving you confidence that the microphone is activated.

When the microphone is touched, the room’s camera will be called and will “zoom-in” on you, allowing people at the far end to see more clearly who is speaking.

It is not necessary to pick up the microphone as it works best by remaining flat on the table surface. Picking it up will cause your voice to become distorted and too loud for those at the far end.

I hope this information is helpful and, do, please let me know if you have any questions – I would be delighted to spend some time with you reviewing techniques for using these microphones.



Monday, January 15, 2007

yellowish orbs

i dont get what the deal with this show is. are you tv or movies? make up your fucking mind and pick one. and who is the hollywood foreign press and why should i give a shit what they think? and why do we want to hear the winners go up and just list off a bunch of people? can't they talk about their shit or something?

warren beatty won a faux award, yet he talked for 5 minutes that seemed like 40. i think he might have alzheimers. please warren, just sit down. please?

and on top of that, in the 20 mins i've been watching, all the selections have been atrocious. how can "the office" lose to anything? and "ugly betty" has won twice since i tuned in. i mean i guess that chick was bound to have something good happen to her after being typecast for fat, ugly roles her whole life, but still. this show is terrible. watching it is hard. so hard.

that's what she said!

thanks mlk

i'm far enough north where we can celebrate a black holiday with a cancellation of classes.

i went to walmart today, and the cashier's name was shakira. i shit you not. her hips were definitely lying though.

i also got groceries. i've mentioned before how i have to pay to have my trash taken away here. well the color of the bags in 2007 is green. i think they're nicer than the blue ones. my only gripe is that they will no longer pick up trash in the blue bags, even if you purchased them in 2006 (it would be impossible to purchase them any other time). at $3/bag i'm kind of pissed off about this, as i have a few extras.

ugh, whatever. it's another rainy, shitty day in pennsyltucky (go figure). time to watch a movie with santos.

Sunday, January 14, 2007

HELL YEAH PATS!!!!!!!!!!!


the price is wrong, bitch

bob barker's onto something. pets need to be spayed or neutered.

i was walking back from the bar last night and talking to dominique on the phone, when a cat started meowing at me when i was about 2 blocks from my apartment. despite absolutely despising mary, her cats, and the other strays around my apartment, i was nice to this cat and stopped to pet it. it liked it and purred a lot. after a minute i walked back to my apartment.

the cat followed me. and it had to figure out how to go around my building too, because the way i went in has a door that shuts. it came up onto my porch and stood at my door, meowing. and meowing. and meowing. i closed the inside door, but it wouldnt stop. i went out and pet it again for a minute, and the motherfucker bit me! so then i went back inside and slammed the door in its face. i could still hear it through the door from inside my apartment. i banged on the door a few times, but that didn't help either. finally, i just went to bed.

well, when i got up this morning, what was sitting out on my porch meowing at me? that fucking cat. i can't take it anymore with all the fucking cats. first mary's cats, then there's another one, plus at least 2 other strays, now this one. well, that's it, i've had it. if all these damn cats are roaming around here tomorrow, animal control is getting a phone call. the last thing i want hanging out in the yard, bothering santos and me is a bunch of filthy...cats.

here's a picture of the little bastard...this thing is pure evil:

i made it the whole post without a pussy joke. never question my willpower again. never.

Friday, January 12, 2007

best case language ever?

"specifically, the supervisor, . . . , (i) hired and fired the boners, (ii) set their hours, and, (iii). . . paid the boners for their work."

zheng v. liberty apparel co (355 f.3d 61), citing rutherford food corp. v. mccomb (331 us 722)

spend it like beckham

i'm going to be extremely pissed off if this beckham trade to the la galaxy means that soccer is going to be all over sportscenter and other sports news shows. if i wanted to watch fast kicking and not much scoring i would join the family law clinic.

Thursday, January 11, 2007

fool me once, strike one; fool me twice, strike three

honestly, how many times will we dance this dance? was i not clear? did i stutter? maybe this time it will be clearer.

witness: debbie

dear cat lovers: first, what's wrong with you? but second, settle down. i was careful not to get the cat in the face. i'm not punishing the cat for acting like a cat, but rather the owner for acting like a negligent asshole. this will be the last time, as either the point will stick now, or it never will. i fear the latter.

next up: the removal of mary's windchimes that she hung from my steps, which hang directly into the area i must walk to get to my steps from the parking lot. sure, i could go around the other side of the steps, if her bike werent there. anyone need windchimes?

Wednesday, January 10, 2007


it's amazing what one can accomplish without wednesday classes. i should have tried this earlier. my accomplishments for today mainly include taking more pictures with my new camera. here are a few of them:

this is my apartment from the street. the top 3 windows are mine. they're the windows to my bedroom. the rest of my apartment is on the other side of my bedroom, and cannot be seen from the street.

this is a view up my street. it looks towards the ghettoish area. you probably cant tell from this picture, so just trust me.

this is a picture down the sidewalk. i just kind of liked it.

my camera is definitely my new favorite toy. i'm sure more pictures will come in the near future.

moment of silence

r.i.p. mr. noodle. you were a real innovator, and will be missed.

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

3015 words of playtime

my summer reading list

santos says, "leave me the fuck alone, i'm trying to sleep."

Monday, January 08, 2007

what lies between

only 5 more before graduation:

internet law
cross legal borders seminar
civil law from empire to union
employment law

giant: word of the day

foodstampable (adj): able to be purchased with food stamps
e.g. sobe is not foodstampable

raising the bar of excellence

i went to school early before my second class today so i could print out an online assignment for another class. i went down to the computer lab, only to find out many computers were not working/under repair. i went up to the "library" to see if i could print there. those computers didnt work either. so, the grand total of working computers in our entire law school: 2.

you've GOT to be fucking kidding me.

resume regular posting...

while this is not my work, it is still nothing short of fantastic:

Assignment: Please translate the following Rap song lyrics from Ebonics to standard English.

Artist: Notorious B.I.G.
Album: Ready to Die
Song: One more chance (remix)

First things first, I poppa, freaks all the honeys
Dummies - playboy bunnies, those wantin' money
Those the ones I like cause they don't get nothin'
But penetration, unless it smells like sanitation
Garbage, I turn like doorknobs
Heart throb, never, black and ugly as ever
However, I stay coochied down to the socks
Rings and watch filled with rocks

As a general rule, I perform deviant sexual acts with women
of all kinds, including but not limited to those with
limited intellect, nude magazine models, and prostitutes. I
particularly enjoy sexual encounters with the latter group
as they are generally disappointed in the fact that they
only receive penile intercourse and nothing more, unless of
course, they douche on a consistent basis. Although I am
extremely unattractive, I am able to engage in these types
of sexual acts with some regularity. Perhaps my sexuality
is somehow related to my fancy and expensive jewelry.

And my jam knock in the Mitsubishi
Girls pee pee when they see me, Nava-hoes creep me in they tee pee
As I lay down laws like I lay carpet
Stop it - if you think your gonna make a profit

I enjoy playing my music loudly on my car stereo.
Apparently, women enjoy this also because they become
sexually aroused when they see me driving. Oddly enough,
when I visit the Native American reservations, some of the
more sexually promiscuous Indian women attempt to seduce me
in their homes. Their intent is to divest me of my
earnings. Such actions are unacceptable.

Don't see my ones, don't see my guns - get it
Now tell ya friends Poppa hit it then split it
In two as I flow with the Junior Mafia
I don't know what the hell's stoppin' ya
I'm clockin' ya - Versace shades watchin' ya
Once ya grin, I'm in game, begin

Understand this fact: you can have neither my money, nor my
weapons. I suggest that you inform your peers that we
engaged in violent sexual acts. Currently, I am rapping
with my associates, the Junior Mafia. I'm having some
difficulty understanding why you refuse to approach me. I
am attempting to make eye contact with you through my
expensive glasses, and as soon as you respond with a smile,
I will approach you.

First I talk about how I dress and this
And diamond necklaces - stretch Lexuses
The sex is just immaculate from the back I get
Deeper and deeper - help ya reach the
Climax that your man can't make
Call and tell him you'll be home real late
Let's sing the break

I prefer to open the conversation with light banter about
my wardrobe and jewelry, then I like to discuss my
collection of expensive cars. This is more than enough to
convince you to have sexual intercourse with me. I am able
to insert my penis further into you when I enter you from
behind. Furthermore, you will be able to reach orgasm. I
understand this to be a problem with your current sexual
partner. He needn't be concerned about your whereabouts.
Please phone him and inform him that you won't be home for
a while. By the way, please sing the chorus of the song for
me also.

She's sick of that song on how it's so long
Thought he worked his until I handled my biz
There I is - major pain like Damon Wayans
Low down dirty even like his brother Keenan
Schemin' - don't bring your girl round me
True player for real, ask Puff Daddy

Your current love interest no longer wishes to hear your
fabrications about the length of your member. After I had
sexual intercourse with your woman, she became enlightened
as to the proper way it is supposed to be performed;
violently and immorally. It would be in your best interest
to keep your woman away from me as my sexual prowess is
very strong. If you are unconvinced, ask Puff Daddy.

You - ringin' bells with bags from Chanel
Baby Benz, traded in your Hyundai Excel
Fully equipped, CD changer with the cell
She beeped me, meet me at twelve

Despite the fact that you attempted to win her at her
doorstep with bags full of expensive clothes and a car (the
lower end model Mercedes Benz which you financed by signing
over your current vehicle) containing an expensive stereo
and a cellular phone, your woman has contacted me through
my pager indicating that we should rendezvous at midnight.

Where you at? Flippin' jobs, playin' car notes?
While I'm swimmin? in ya women like the breast stroke
Right stroke, left stroke what's the best stroke
Death stroke - tongue all down her throat
Nuthin' left to do but send her home to you
I'm through - can ya sing the song for me, boo?

You, on the other hand, jump from job to job, barely able
to maintain payments on the Mercedes Benz you purchased for
your woman. Meanwhile, I continue to engage in sexual
intercourse and commit lewd osculatory acts with your
women. My only remaining option is to request that she
leave my home and return to you because I have reached
orgasm and no longer have a need for her presence.

So, what's it gonna be? Him or me?
We can cruise the world with pearls
Gator boots for girls
The envy of all women, crushed linen
Cartier wrist-wear with diamonds in 'em
The finest women I love with a passion
Ya man's a wimp, I give that ass a good thrashin'

The ultimate decision rests with you. Whom do you choose as
your sexual partner. I can take you on cruises around the
world. I will dress you in the finest jewelry and footwear.
You will be envied by women worldwide in your fine clothes
and jewelry. There is a special place in my heart for
beautiful women. I will defeat your man in an altercation
because he is effeminate.

High fashion - flyin' into all states.
Sexin' me while your man masturbates.
Isn't this great? Your flight leaves at eight.
Her flight lands at nine, my game just rewinds.
Lyrically I'm supposed to represent.
I'm not only the client, I'm the player president

You will be dressed in finest clothes on the runways of
Paris. I will fly you to every state to shop for fine
clothes and jewelry. You will enjoy sexual intercourse with
me and your man will be forced to pleasure himself through
manual stimulation. What a life! I'll return you to
LaGuardia in time to catch your 8 o'clock flight. The
timing is perfect because I have scheduled a date with a
second woman who arrives at the same gate at 9 o'clock.
I'll seduce her in the same way that I seduced you. I rap
well and I am a positive reflection of my home town. Not
only am I a sexually deviant, misogynistic, immoral,
wealthy, male prostitute, but I also sit on the board of
directors of the organization that governs others of my

Sunday, January 07, 2007

LAST semester begins tomorrow

fuck yeah!

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

new toys!

i'm cooking chili today for myself and some friends i'll see this weekend. it's the inaugural run for my new crock pot (thanks mom and dad), and the picture was taken with my new digital camera (thanks dominique)! in the background you can also see the knives i will use to cut mary.

Monday, January 01, 2007

so this is the new year, and i have no resolutions

mainly because resolutions dont work. the gyms will be packed for the next 2-3 weeks, salad bars will be depleted, and strangers might be nicer. but unlike tom cruise's gayness, it wont stick.

this break has been wonderful. i saw my family, and spent about a week up at dominique's mom's house. despite needing nothing, i got some great gifts including, but not limited to a digital camera, a crock pot, and some nice shirts. last night, dominique and i went to a party at one of my high school friends' house, where the booze flowed, we saw a lot of my good friends, we lit off fireworks, had tons of good food, and everyone had a great time.

going back to school will be a big disappointment, but that's not much different than any other time i've gone back. but only 4 months and 10 days until i can leave that place behind forever, not that i'm counting.

it's been a wonderful break. 2006 had an awesome start to it and it turned out to be a fantastic year. well, 2007 has started incredibly well too. rock.