Confessions of a Litigious Mind

The random, irrelevant musings of a law school graduate.

Friday, July 02, 2010


it took way too long, but at least i'm not the only one hating on dell now

Friday, October 23, 2009

4 years

looked at the date and realized today is the 4 year anniversary of coalm. sure, it's been 6 months since my last post and even longer since my last meaningful post, but hey, at least i'm not dead.

Wednesday, April 01, 2009

april fools?

i just saw a news segment that more and more people are having to see the doctor because of injuries playing wii. it warned that playing wii tennis or wii golf is not, i repeat NOT, the same as playing real tennis or real golf and the remote should not be treated like a racquet or a club. if pain persists and your doctor says it's ok, take anti-inflammatories.

how disgustingly fat and out of shape are we if wii injuries are prevalent enough to justify a news segment? fucking ridiculous.

Tuesday, March 03, 2009

snow wonder

i get it people, it snowed. TWO DAYS AGO. honestly, you've had 2 days to clean the snow off your car. did we get a lot of snow? absolutely. but you've had 48hrs now. even if you were in one of the areas that got about a foot, all you had to do was clean 1/4 inch of snow off your car each hour. especially you bitches in honda civics and ford taurus'. i was behind someone on the highway this morning driving a newer model honda accord. about 6 inches of snow was covering the rear windshield, the roof, both taillights and signal lights in the rear. even if this douchebag did signal, no one could see it. though my guess is they probably don't use their signal if they can't be bothered to clean off their car. many people would rather endanger themselves, and friends/family in the car with them, and everyone else out on the road or near the road than spend a few minutes outside to clean off their car. with people this lazy and stupid it's no wonder our unemployment rate is so high. it's not to say that it's an absolute, but if we can't (or won't) perform such simple tasks that have quite a bearing on our own safety (much less the saftey of others (much less our wallets if we hit and destroy people or property)), it says quite a bit about our character.

you heard it here first, unemployed people don't clean the snow off their cars (and not because they have no place to go).

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

state of the state of the schools

i watch the local news more than i used to. about 98% of it is useless, but every once in a while i pick up something that happened. tonight, the first 9 mins of the news was just going town to town talking about how teachers arent going to be paid, schools will be closing, and ceiling tiles falling on kids' heads.

this is terrible. mortgages, foreclosures, yeah yeah yeah. but now it's fucking with the kids. for the love of god, we cant afford to have worse schools than we already do. people are already stupid enough. we cant let the education of children who have a chance to go straight down the shitter. maybe their retarded parents are lost causes, but the kids arent yet. they may be on their way, but they're not there just yet.

i find it funny that this economic stimulus thing gives out billions of dollars to all sorts of random shit, but there's apparently not enough to pay teachers and keep schools open. teachers should be better than they are now. i think we need more teachers and better educated ones. this will never happen if they're not sure how they will pay teachers after april. soon kids will only be educated enough to sit around and drool on themselves and end sentences in prepositions. where the fuck are our priorities at?

Friday, January 30, 2009

the wonderful beginnings of the baconator?

Saturday, January 24, 2009

it's the economy, stupid

yesterday my company announced that they would no longer be providing paper coffee cups for employees. the email claimed it was part of an effort to become "greener", but it's really a way to cut costs (see also: making our objectives more difficult to meet so they dont have to hand out raises, changing our benefit provider to someone offering a worse plan, taking away saturday lunches provided by the company (which really hurts the company because it would spend approximately $70 each weekend to feed the 5-7 employees, however, people pretty much all ate at their desk and worked thru most of their lunch. essentially, the company was getting a 9th hour of work, or the majority of one, for free from everyone. now, everyone takes their full hour most days), and/or consolidating office space).

the good news: the company did agree to purchase the soap with which we can wash out our reuseable coffee cups.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

10 girthy inches

that was the forecast at least. i'm happy they were wrong (as is usually the case). we did get 4-5, which is way better than 10 (it's how you use it, really).

what it really meant was less snow to brush off the car at 730 this morning on our way to going to get our wii fit. and a wii fit we got. and a fat wii bastard i am. but it's worth it. definitely worth it.

when we got to the store, there were 2 cars already in the parking lot. we walked up to the doors behind the 2 people in front of us. the employees had mercy on us and let us stand in the warmth between the 2 sets of doors. soon after, a few more cars arrived. people from the next cars straggled in and stood behind. it obviously didnt take long before the wii was mentioned. surprisingly, a group of 3 men in one of the cars that was there before us wasn't even there for the wii. i dont know why else you'd get up that early and go to the store on a sunday, but who cares? to each his own. the other car had father and son, there both for the wii console and wii fit. we were talking about it with the father, a very nice guy.

at 8am, the lights were turned on and the inner doors opened. everyone proceeded to walk directly to the electronics section, towards the wii. everyone except those 3 men, and 1 woman who came after. instead, the woman cut in front of all the registers, and speed-walked thru the aisles to assure she was first in line. as we approached the checkout, the father who was there with his son let us go in front of them, in a very friendly gesture. we had been walking with and talking to them from the front doors to our destination. but sure enough, first in line was the bitch who couldnt wait.

basically, for her own health i'm glad all she bought was 1 wii console. we were somewhat concerned she was there to buy in bulk, if the store would allow. i also had my guess that the store had 15 in stock (that's how many they had the last time), but wasn't sure. there were plenty, and she didnt even buy the fit.

but it's situations like this that allow me to understand why people are trampled around the holidays. or why bitches get cut at stores. because if something had gone wrong, that bitch would've heard about it. not my fault you got there at 755 instead of 745.

in the end, it all worked out and wasnt all bad. we saw polar opposites. the bitch who arrived late but hurried around everyone and the guy who told us to go in front of him, even though we arrived at the same time as him and his son. sadly, it's the man who stands out because his actions are a lot more rare. but i'm happy, it was nice to see.

Monday, December 29, 2008


dominique and i enjoy the a&e show "intervention," though sometimes it upsets me.

every single person on the show has some life event(s) that cause (or i prefer, poorly justify) their addiction/drug use. their parent did drugs, they were molested, a family member died. i hate to bring it up, but lots of people go to church, and they dont all become drug users. and of course, once all this stuff happens, they get someone to diagnose them with bipolar disorder or adhd. excuses, excuses, excuses. maybe i'm just cynical, or maybe the producers always look for this pattern. but i don't think it's a fair representation of reality.

also, most of the episodes are from bible-thumping, "all-american", holier-than-thou regions of the country. weird.

Saturday, December 20, 2008


damnit. florida is looking really good right now.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008


it's been somewhat crazy lately. though i guess most people could say that most of the time. it's rarely a good excuse, but often a justification.

i'm getting some extra training at work. i will soon be taking on some additional responsibilities (without additional compensation of course). the reward is some more interesting work on a day to day basis, though not always easier. plus i'll go to florida for a week in january for training which will be nice. i'm going to try to visit brancy too, if it works out for both of us.

dealing with people on a daily basis is a bit disillusioning. last week i caught 2 people in very specific, very blatant lies. people are always upset because they can never agree, or at least never want to take responsibility. i don't always mind when people get mad because i dont mind setting them in their place. because of this, my boss sometimes puts me in more difficult circumstances intentionally. sometimes it's a compliment, sometimes it's annoying.

i still have to do all my holiday shopping, though i do have at least 1 idea for everyone on my list.

overall, it's happy and healthy. good times.

Wednesday, December 03, 2008

the perfect xmas gift after all that thanksgiving "stuffing"

shopping? on a wednesday?

usually i go grocery shopping on sundays, but this past sunday we were visiting my parents for the holiday so we didn't go. plus i have today off so i figured i should stock up for the rest of the week. add that to the shoulder-to-shoulder sunday shoppers and long lines and going today was a no brainer.

wednesday grocery shopping is the bizarro world to sunday shopping. there are many fewer customers, and practically none below the age of 80. covering 1 aisle in less than 10 minutes is ridiculously efficient. those turning left have the right of way, and the preferred payment method is check (unless you have exact change in cash).

despite more room to throw elbows and the ability to pass on the right, i'm not sure wednesday shopping is any better than sunday. perhaps i should look into online grocery vendors, although that has potential to be a pretty big step towards reclusivity (not a word according to, but should be).

the ten strike rule

sometimes i run criminal background searches on people for my job. sometimes i dont need to but i do because the people come across as sketchy or douchey. it amazes me how many of these people have multiple (or many) offenses, yet always receive a suspended sentence and/or probation only. i mean, they only have 4 priors, they've probably learned their lesson. until the next time that is. why are we surprised when they do something else again?

it's irrational to complain about crime when half the justice system doesnt do anything about it.

Sunday, November 30, 2008

at last!

a replacement computer, courtesy of my sister.

it's a dell, so it's a bit slow and has defects, but even i can't complain about a free computer. sure, another brand would probably be better, but if it were another brand my sister probably wouldn't have had to replace it herself. so maybe it's good that it's a dell. never thought i'd say that.

Thursday, November 20, 2008


gas here was so "cheap" today that i bought a bunch extra to pour on the floor and roll around in. the burning sensation also helps with the colder weather that's come.

Monday, November 17, 2008

going out of business...sort of

last weekend dominique and i met up with my parents for dinner. at dinner my mom told me that linens and things was going out of business and that they have a lot of kitchen/grille stuff that i should check out to see if i can get any deals. now i'd heard of linens and things, but due to the word "linens" i figured i wouldnt be very interested in the things.

so dominique and i went to the one near us. and i know why this place is going out of business. the prices are ridiculous. there was a pot there--yes, a pot--that cost $360. that was the going out of business price. i shit you not. that must be the best pot ever. for $360 i would expect the best meal i ever had each time i used the pot, and maybe it could jerk me off after i'm done or something. it had better for $360.

also, the "going out of business sale" was only 20% off. i'm sorry, but going out of business warrants at least 50% off items. 20% is more like "hey, it's presidents day, woohoo."

anyway, perhaps i will return when the things are closer to 50-80% off.

Friday, October 31, 2008

election musings

what's the difference between sarah palin's mouth and her vagina?

only some of the things that come out of her vagina are retarded.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

second income

over the last week or so i have received at least 3 or 4 phone calls about an apartment for rent in a town near where i grew up. at first i figured the person probably just dialed incorrectly, but now i'm thinking that there was a misprint in the newspaper and my phone number got printed instead.

up to now, i've been nice and advised people that they have the wrong number. i even called one person who had left me a voicemail back to inform them that the number was incorrect (i know, very unlike me). i think if this continues i'm going to start renting the apartment out to anyone who calls. i mean, at worst i'd get first, last, and security from each, right?

Sunday, October 12, 2008

supermarket sweep

it's been a while since i've had any notable grocery store anecdotes (in fact, it's debatable whether this one is as well). it's not that people here are normal, it's that i try to get in and out quickly (that's what she said) and basically ignore everyone.

there was a young couple with 2 kids in front of me in the checkout line. their total came to $104, except that the guy withheld some type of prescription medicine and a bulk package of toilet paper. after paying the $104, the couple tried to pay for the prescription and the tp with what i just assumed was a credit card. i thought this was pretty annoying because, what the fuck, just buy all your groceries together like normal people, particularly when there are 3 more people/groups behind you. but then the checkout woman told them there was only a balance of $2.95 on the card. a debit card perhaps. then the couple has her call the manager over. the manager tells the couple that she thinks they can only use that card at pharmacies. the woman disagreed, but just paid cash and left.

while all of this was unfolding in front of me, the guy behind me sighed, "ugh, welfare. just get a job." now i dont know if his comment was incited by the ridiculousness of the checkout decisions or by the fact that the young couple in front of us happened to be black.

the guy then turned to me and said, "i work 6 days a week. i'm 50 years old, have 2 harleys in my garage, have a house here, and a house in vegas. it's amazing what you can accumulate when you just work."

i completely agree with his point that working is important, and that it's important to provide for yourself and work hard to earn things. i disagree with the assumption that the couple doesnt work if it was based on the fact that they're young, black, and have 2 kids. if it was based upon the attempted method of payment, perhaps it has more legitimacy.

either way, it got me thinking. i'd love to be able to afford 2 homes and 2 bikes when i'm 50 (especially that home in vegas). being that guy might not be so bad, except for the possible racist part.

"have a nice day" the checkout girl said. it snapped me out of my thoughts, and i suddenly remembered why i dont talk to anyone at the grocery store.

Wednesday, October 08, 2008

one year later

today is the 1 year anniversary of me starting my current job. the year has flown by, with good times and bad. i can't believe i've been here for a year already. time really flies when you spend all day talking to assholes.

i'm kicking off year 2, day 1 in style---at a job interview with a different company.

Sunday, September 28, 2008

best* hurricane score ever!


not bad, considering the wrath of kyle lasted all 4.5 hours and i hadn't played in a month. three coworkers and i set the tee time last week hoping it would be nice out. we'd been talking about it all week, and would've been pissed if we couldnt play. so we did, despite the rain.

it's been a good few weeks. went down to virginia for dominique's birthday (happy birthday dominique!) and met up with some college friends. tailgated, went to a football game, and went to the old bars we used to frequent. very nice.

(possibly) more thoughtful posts to come...


Thursday, September 11, 2008

i'm back baby

well, sort of. i'll likely be back more in a few weeks. but for now i'll sort of drift in and out.

my sister went back to school for her masters and got a new computer. i will be inheriting her old computer. i offered her some money, but she's nice and declined. she needed another computer anyway. my new (used) computer is a dell. but it's free. a free dell is the only type i'll take.

i've been working 10-7 lately. that probably has contributed a little to my lack of posting with much frequency. i do intend to change that, but getting home 730-745 after staring at a computer all day doesnt do much to intrigue me.

when i went into working the later shift i was sure i'd hate it. it has its ups and downs. the distribution of work is different, and i like it. i can sleep later, which is nice. but on the whole, it's tainted.

i hate getting home so late. dominique and i eat dinner together almost every night if we can, and i like that. i feel bad that she has to wait until 8-9 to eat, especially if i cook. and i cook less because of that, which i dont like, because i love to cook. dominique will cook sometimes too, which is cool because she's a good cook too. it's the nights that we get lazy and order in that it kills us.

my company hasn't been completely straightforward lately, and that bothers me. i figured i'd be working 10-7 at some point, but i dont like the way i found out. first, i might have to. then another person and i can rotate 2 months at a time. then i go first to be nice because the week it started the other person was on vacation and i offered to do it to help the others who already worked the later shift because there were so few of them. and now i'm stuck. i think the other person is going to have to go 10-7 too, but she's still not there yet. i knew i'd probably have to do it as a relatively new hire, and tha'ts fine. that's life. but i resent the way it came about, and now i'm stuck. if i have to work the later shift just grow some goddamn managerial balls and tell me, dont act like i might not have to until i'm already there.

Wednesday, September 03, 2008

f-r-e-e that spells free

no, this is not political. does anyone else find the free credit commercials hilarious in their ridiculousness? or maybe you just find yourself singing the songs to yourself.

Saturday, August 23, 2008

dark magic

this morning as i downed my third cup of coffee by 11am, i pondered something that i already knew but don't think about on a day to day basis. coffee is so wonderful.

i've been working a 10-7 shift lately, so i don't need coffee to be awake for the job. i generally drink between 2-5 cups a day, the majority of which are before lunch. while i may not need coffee to be awake, i occasionally need it for work.

the first cup of the day is for me, the rest are for everyone else. the caffeine kick works for me, and as i get more hyper i can deal with people a little more easily. that's not to say perfectly, however. win-win(-win).

Friday, August 08, 2008


last night after work i took the dogs out for a walk. we went around the neighborhood. we got some exercise. we pooped on the sidewalk. it was really nice, until the end.

we were only a few doors down from our own when santos and maeby stopped to smell the genitals of another dog that was also enjoying a walk. i began talking to the owner and another woman because (as everyone does) they asked me what kind of dog santos was (i still don't have a good answer for that). all of a sudden, this purebred pitbull comes charging at us out of nowhere. no leash or owner in sight.

now i love dogs. but pitbulls are not dogs. pitbulls are creatures. pitbulls have no feelings and there are no redeeming qualities to pitbulls. yes, i have been bitten by an (allegedly friendly) pitbull.

i guess this dog has figured out how to open the screen door to the apartment on its own. it came running and barking. and it wasnt a "hey, nice to meet you" bark as much as it was a "hey look at how fucking stupid and out of control i am" one. the other dog owner picked up her dog, which was little (all over, according to santos and maeby). i had a leash to one dog in each hand and they pulled me back a bit. the other woman, who i now suspect might be a man due to the giant size of her balls, stepped right between the pitbull and everyone else. she yelled at it and attempted to chase it back to it's apartment, and tried to get the attention of its owners (i dont know that she ever did). meanwhile, the other owner carried her dog back to her apartment, and i brought santos and maeby the other way around a building to get to our place.

this annoys the fuck out of me because pitbulls are an explicitly restricted breed at our apartment complex. furthermore, the woman with the balls told me that people have complained to our leasing office about it before and the office just said that they have to see it first. now i would think that if they're notified, they might try to check. the fact that a pitbull lives there means 1 of 2 things: either the owners didnt tell the landlord they have a dog, or the landlord didnt verify the breeds, as they did with us. this is a pure pitbull, there's no mistaking it.

if it were a random dog, or a non-restricted breed, i might let it go. but i fucking hate pitbulls, so this will likely be reported to the office. sorry, but i refuse to wait until someone or their pet is mauled before action is taken. pitbulls are useless creatures that should be euthanized as soon as they pop out of their mother, who should be euthanized immediately after.

Thursday, August 07, 2008

the point was fast but it was too blunt to miss

yesterday morning i was walking out to my car to go to work when a guy drove up in the parking lot and stopped next to me. he asked me a few questions about the apartment complex. the makeup of the apartments, the rent, utilities, etc. despite his longer hair in the back to compensate for his receding hairline, there wasn't necessarily anything sketchy about him. i mean, he wasn't white trash, but he also wasn't the type of guy i'd leave unsupervised with my kids. your kids, maybe.

but my first thought after he pulled away and i got into my car was "i hope that guy didn't see which apartment i came out of so he could go rob it now." that was kind of a wake up call. i really need to get out of the customer service business. dealing with angry people all day only fuels the paranoia.

Monday, August 04, 2008

i never thought i'd say this...

but i'm kind of sick and tired of arguing with people.

part of my job is arguing with people on a daily basis. it's not in the job description, but it happens as a result. and i dont know that i'm tired of just arguing, i think i'm tired of it because 99% of the time;

a) i didn't do anything wrong that would make someone yell at me
b) i have the same general arguments over and over again
c) a lot of the time it is what it is and if you dont like it i dont give a shit so you should shut the fuck up and accept it, or
d) i just dislike people in general and find it amazing how much they (in general) feel they are automatically entitled to regardless of their actions and/or responsibilities.

i think it's usually a combination of these things, but it can really be any one of them. my job is an interesting one for someone who was already fairly cynical about human nature to begin with. seeing people at their worst surely doesnt change that much. i'm really glad i never decided to be a defense attorney.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

peanut butter sauce

dominique and i live near a friendly's. every once in a while, we get some of the take-out ice cream for dessert. today was one of those days, which is why i was happy to see the chubby girl behind the counter.

certain people are made for certain jobs. i'm not saying overweight people are made for scooping ice cream, but i will say i never mind when they're scooping mine. now i'm not talking morbidly obese people, no. if they dont have respect for themselves, they wont have respect for my reese's pieces sundae. but as soon as i saw the slightly overweight girl making my sundae, i knew she would honor my request for extra peanut butter sauce.

gotta be careful though, or else i'll be scooping my own sundae's soon.

Friday, July 25, 2008

whoever decided that it would be a good idea to give the public access to automobiles was a giant fucking moron

Sunday, July 13, 2008

a match made in heaven

since dominique and i have moved, the closest supermarket to our apartment is now a shaw's rather than stop & shop. the first time or two that i went shopping there i was happy with a broad selection and what seems like reasonable prices. or perhaps it is just the change of scenery that is nice. whatever it may be, i was liking shaws...until today.

i went for routine groceries. as i was perusing the meat section, i heard something over the store speakers that would change how i felt about shaw's. at first it was faint, but i listened closely and my initial thoughts were confirmed--they were playing a meatloaf song.

shaw's, i love you.

Thursday, July 10, 2008


i was just watching the news and saw this story about how some 71 year old supermarket employee tried to grab a 5 or 6 year old kid in the restroom. luckily, the kid's father was also in the restroom and the old guy didnt realize it and got the shit beat out of him. due to his old age the employee was not arrested but was issued a court date. however, the 31 year old father who beat the shit out of an employee who tried to molest his kid in a supermarket rest room did get arrested and has a court date for assault. i don't have any kids, but if i ever saw someone try to molest someone else's kid in a restroom i'd beat the shit out of them. this is why i don't watch the news too often.