Confessions of a Litigious Mind

The random, irrelevant musings of a law school graduate.

Tuesday, February 28, 2006

ground rules

for some reason i caved into the pressure of the blogosphere and created an AIM screenname for dicta. at first i was never going to be on it, but then i stopped being lazy and linked it to my regular screenname, so i can be on both at the same time. i guess this is satisfying. the name is dictadictadicta, but before you think about iming me, these are the ground rules:

DICTA 1-101: AIM ground rules
(a) compliments regarding coalm are always welcome, unless
(1) they are sarcastic, or
(2) they are insincere
(b) it is not necessary that dicta responds to each and every im, and in the event dicta does not respond, you may
(1) take it personally if dicta had been iming you within the last 5 minutes and
(A) abruptly blocks you or signs off
(B) tells you to fuck off

(2) not take it personally if
(A) dicta had not been iming you within the previous 5 minutes
(B) dicta lost the internet connection
(C) you were being a douchebag
(c) dicta has sole discretion over when and with whom he will im
(d) any number of violations of the above deemed a significant amount by the sole discretion of dicta may result in the destruction of the dictadictadicta account

Official Comments
1. the purpose of the creation of the screenname is to encourage the free flow of ideas between dicta and any readers who may not (and will not) have dicta's primary screenname.

2. the purpose of subsection (a) is to allow for an alternate forum by which readers can express their praise or gratitude of or toward coalm and dicta. sarcastic or insincere praise will be dealt with under section 1-101(d).

3. subsections (b) and (c) reflect the fact that dicta is a full time law student and, as such, may have other obligations the value of which outweigh the opportunity to exchange ims with a reader. however, dicta's other obligations under this section need not be related to law or law school activities. an example of other obligations which are acceptable for dicta to weigh which might prevent him from responding are a tee time or a good television show.

4. subsection (b)(2)(C) acknowledges the fact that if you are being a douchebag, you are estopped from taking any action which dicta might take personally.

DICTA 1-102: Gap fillers
(a) any discrepancies not expressly addressed in DICTA 1-101 will be handled at the sole discretion of dicta
(b) should any message sender not agree to the terms of article 1 of DICTA, their options are
(1) to stop messaging dicta
(2) to fuck off
(3) (1) and (2)

Official Comments
1. 1-102 is simply a gap filling provision giving sole authority to dicta, and not any reader. should any disagreements arise regarding any happening involving AIM and the screenname dictadictadicta, the default authority will always be the discretion of dicta.

Monday, February 27, 2006


a joke from my trusts and estates professor:

a yale law student is up massachusetts, when he decides to stop by the harvard law library to do some research. he approaches a harvard law student on campus, and asks "excuse me, can you please tell me where the library is at?"

the harvard student replies in a snooty, i-look-down-upon-you tone, "here at harrrrvard, we do not end our sentences in prepositions."

so, the yale student replies, "ok, can you tell me where the library is at, asshole?"

i know you wanna taste it, i'ma make you wait a bit

is what giant said to me today. here i am, trying to be all healthy and whatever, and the strawberries look like shit. they're all bruised and battered, the likes of which the world had never seen prior to nicole brown simpson. i was just trying to find some healthy fruit (not tom cruise) as opposed to something like cookies (which i also purchased). i would've expected this from the weis market, but not from you, giant.

i guess my only alternative is to grow my own. but all my friends who grow their own shit have to be wary of the cops randomly showing up. i dont want to live like that.

oh well, time for some wings and leftover german sheph--i mean, chinese.

motivational monday

Sunday, February 26, 2006

some good stories, for a sunday

how many bad shower puns can you fit into one short story?


book 'em, lou

did they check the lesson plan? maybe he was going to teach the kids about intellectual property!

what's the difference between a rocket scientist and a rocket scientist in training? this.

Saturday, February 25, 2006

ISO sw pussy

this is one of the more ridiculous things i've come across lately (thanks ctnow). online dating is one thing, but online dating thru your pets is totally different. when did we get too lazy to take our pets to the park for a walk to attract the opposite sex? we need to do this online now?

and just because someone likes my pet, why would they like me? i've never met anyone who doesnt like santos, but i could probably make more than a short list of people who dont like me. am i supposedly a sensitive, loving, affectionate, responsible adult just cuz i have a pet? i dont know, you'd have to ask my girlfriend about that one.

of course, the site does leave you the option of simply finding your pet a date (poor, neutered santos). needless to say, i will not be signing santos up for that. he's way too good for any pets listed on that thing. but i found it good for a laugh, so i figured i'd pass it on.

on a completely different topic, some of these female speedskaters are kinda scary. they were saying that one is in her last olympics, and just got engaged and is looking forward to the rest of her life. who is the brave man that will marry her? i'll tell you what, i'm not dating/marrying any woman who could kill me if my head was between her thighs.

lay off the miller, bode

oh, he's gonna win so many medals for the US. define so many? hmm, how about 0. good work, bode. maybe if you laid off the booze and self-promotion and worked more on training, you'd actually not disqualify yourself on most of your races. maybe you should start with baby steps. instead of a medal, let's strive to finish a race. how does that sound?

bode miller is the reason the word hype was invented. he's all i heard about for a month. i can't name one other american in any other sport competing in this winter olympics. but i knew bode was skiing...if you can call it that. in fact, i just turned the olympics on for 10 minutes as i ate, and i already saw a bode/nike commercial about how the drive within a competitor doesn't always translate into olympic medals. sounds like loserspeak to me.

though maybe a lazy, drunken, vain bode miller represents america better than i initially thought?

UPDATE: apollo ohno is someone the US can be proud of. i've never seen anyone prouder to represent their country on the podium. and on top of that, pay attention here bode, he won gold!

sweet summer spending

i just came across my credit card bill from july. it was $662. of that, $118 was golf, and $101 was the total from our favorite bar. if the bar tab doesnt seem like a lot for a month, you should know that the entire $101 came from $1 draft nights. and that month doesnt include the $120 tab i had there, also on a $1 draft night. see people, this is why i need a job. employ me, now.

Friday, February 24, 2006

get off (the soapbox)

one thing that pisses me off is cases decided based upon public policy. i'm reading a case where a man and his wife formed mutual contractual wills, so that when one of them died, their entire estate goes to the surviving spouse, and when the 2nd one died, it all goes to the kids. the wife dies, and the husband remarries. then he dies, of course. so now the 2nd wife is suing to get a portion of the estate, which goes to the kids by the contract. and the court lets this happen, due to "public policy" reasons. some bullshit about the protection of marriage and blah blah blah. listen, why not let people protect their own marriages? half the people in this country obviously dont find much sanctity in marriage anyway. this guy was married the 2nd time who knows how long before he died. he could've rewritten his will. he didn't. if he wanted his 2nd wife to get all or part of his estate he should have rewritten his will. maybe he didnt want her to get it (and in most states there is a strong inclination to find some doctrine that carries out the testator's intent). but no, here (florida of course...the state that can mess anything up) "public policy" dictated that the 2nd wife should receive a claim to part of the estate. listen, if i wanted someone to dance around the law and make up bullshit justifications for their decisions, i would've voted for W.

know what really chaps my ass?

here's a clue: it's not the fact that i spent my life savings turning my van into a dog, even if the alarm alone did cost me $200.

i've held my tongue for a long time, and though i dont want this blog to be political, i have to say this. when it gets to the point where you're getting all irate over cartoons, well then you are nothing more than a child.

word on the street is i make fun of catholic priests a lot. well, i dont discriminate. i know discussions of islam can be like walking on egg shells, cuz the extremists dont represent the normal islamic population. but this is getting ridiculous. at what point did "sensitivity" towards other religions, cultures, etc become having to put up with moronic shit? if you get offended by a cartoon, then i'm probably more mature than you are. and that says a lot, cuz a little known fact is that i once enrolled in suicide bombing school. but alas, i failed out, and so i am here to write this blog. evidently, it was a "problem" that i drove my plane drunk. i still dont see the problem, i mean, its not like my mission was to not hit stuff.

fuck it, i cant be serious/non-patronizing on this thing. before this blog is over, i will have offended everyone. and let's face it, that's basically a public service today. people are on the lookout for things they can get all irate about. well, look no further.

Thursday, February 23, 2006

tHOSe boots

the other day i saw something highly disturbing. two things, really. i was sitting in the hallway, waiting for the previous class to finish. finally, said class did finish, and this girl walked out and was wearing something absolutely atrocious. maybe she had a sweater on, and she must've had a skirt on, cuz she wasnt wearing pants. but she had these big fuzzy brown boots, with two strings off each, and each string had a big fuzzy ball at the end. then, the next day, i saw another girl in big fuzzy boots, though admittedly without the balls.

what could possibly be going thru your mind when you buy these boots/decide to put them on in the morning? is it a chemical imbalance, or is your taste in clothing just that heinous? there's not any snow on the ground, and even if there were, the sidewalks are always cleared rather well in this town. so not only are they aesthetically vomit-inducing, but they're also not serving a functional purpose. so what is it? are you trying to draw attention away from your busted face? perhaps. i couldnt tell you who one of the girls was. i could identify the girl who had the balls on her feet though, as she's worn the boots on several occasions, and so i've subsequently been less shocked and therefore able to see who's wearing these boots.

as it turns out, i've also had one interaction with that girl too. she's a raging bitch. so maybe the boots fit. as an idea, they look a little like these, only not quite as fuzzy, but with balls attached on long strings, making them look equally ridiculous. the point is, you look ridiculous ladies. it looks like you're kicking gerbils as you walk. go out and get some sweatshop shoes like the rest of us.

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

anonymously yours

lately i've mulled the idea of foregoing my anonymity. mostly cuz i dont give a shit. originally hiding behind "dicta" seemed fun (back in the day on the workermonkey, which originated in dec 2003, i blogged under my real first name). i guess it still is sometimes, but the novelty has worn off. besides, i'm sure if you tried really hard, most of you (read: those of you who arent retarded) could figure out stuff about me anyway. but as i'm still wavering, i'll compromise by posting a picture of my dog, santos, for now (and no, that's not my bed...dicta doesnt roll with pink/purple blankets).

finally, some thoughts about privacy from bill maher:

New Rule: Stop worrying that the government is listening in on your phone conversation. The person you called isn't even listening to your phone conversation. Any American in this day and age who thinks they're not being monitored is so naive and oblivious, I can't believe they're not working already for the Bush Administration.

Which...which is not to say it isn't creepy thinking of Karl Rove monitoring my emails. Which is why all of mine say the same thing: "Hey, did you hear freedom is on the march, and I quit smoking pot?" "Praise Jesus! - Bill."

But the organization that is conducting these wiretaps, the NSA, is a spy agency different from all the others, in that its only function is to listen. You know, like a husband. You know, like a husband!

And if they need to listen to keep a dirty bomb from going off in Long Beach, then I say, "Listen away." All I ask, NSA, is that you don't judge. And more importantly, if you could screen my calls. In fact, just tell everybody I'm not in. Oh, and if I say something funny during one of my phone conversations, write it down and hit me back with an email so I can use it in my next stand-up special.

So, yes, on the downside, our lives here in America are now an open book. But on the upside, Bush doesn't read books! And really, people, if you're so worried about the privacy of your cell phone calls, stop making them when you're in line at Starbucks!

Oh, please, Americans don't want privacy. They want attention! They'll put a camera in their shower and show it on the Internet! To get on television, they'll marry strangers and eat a cow's rectum, and ice dance with Todd Bridges. They're trying to get on a show called "Big Brother"!

We are a nation of exhibitionists from "me" to shining "me." And what we really fear isn't that someone's listening; it's that no one's listening. This whole country is one big desperate cry for somebody to listen to "listen to me, photograph me, Google me, read my blog!" "Read my diary; read my memoir. It's not interesting enough? I'll make shit up!"

You know that I could go on the Internet right now under my alternate screen name, "CherryXXX69," and get complete strangers to email me a picture of their scrotum. I tell you, this country gave the finger to privacy a long time ago.

In fact, I have reason to believe I'm being videotaped right now.

holmes, sorry if the bill maher quote gave you a coronary. you fascist bastard.

i pity the fowl

all the ducks a man (or woman) could ever want

Tuesday, February 21, 2006


traffic traffic
lookin for my chapstick
feelin kinda carsick
there's a ford maverick*

yesterday for motivational monday, my traffic was up 55% on the average. you know, i post other days too, kind readers! i have thought of creating a separate blog, to be strictly motivational mondays, but have decided against it. i have few readers as it is, and though that doesnt terribly bother me, i wouldn't have any here if i did that. and dont try to steal my idea, either! i've trademarked, copyrighted, and/or patented the idea as is necessary. i dont know dick about trademarks, copyrights, or patents. damnit.

*if you know what this is from, then, you too, have questionable taste in movies

Monday, February 20, 2006

in the spirit of the day

some little known presidential facts. check it out, because holidays shouldnt be all tv and sloth.

sturdy as a dog

as i was eating lunch, i tuned in to the olympics on msnbc, to get their ratings in the double digits (hey, i'm all about the people). of course, the time i decide to tune in they're not even showing an actual event, but rather just news about the olympics. okkkkkkkkk. BUT, it was almost worth it. they were talking about "ice dancing," which is somehow different from figure skating (your guess is as good as mine, both sound equally painfully boring). they were talking about how lots of people apparently fell in the competition last night, then showed some footage. well let me tell you, not much is more hilarious than watching well dressed, snooty, nose-high-in-the-air "ice dancers" hit the ice and hit it hard. at least they were already on the ice...that probably killed some of the pain.

and now, some skating humor:

1) Oksana Baiul, Olympic gold medal figure skater, over the weekend lost control of her car and was arrested for driving under the influence...According to police reports, her blood alcohol level was .16, .16, .15, .16, .16, .16, .16, .15 and .14 from the East German judge.

2) did you hear why tonya harding divorced her ex-husband? he kept hitting on other skaters.

motivational monday

Sunday, February 19, 2006

the yogurt nazi

well, it's sunday, and that means grocery shopping. everything was going along fine, great even. i was feeling kind of like wings, but as my last post indicated, i decided to cut myself yesterday, so i thought wings would be a pain in the ass to eat. but giant stepped up big with boneless wings. saweet.

i had already picked up some fruit (strawberries and raspberries) and decided that i wanted some yogurt (mom would be so proud). this is where the shopping got ugly. first of all, i hate that yogurt containers are so small now. they used to be big. now you get about a shot of yogurt, and you're done. and of course, the price has not been reduced proportionally. it all started when all the diet crazes were big a few years ago. hey, instead of making people moderate what they eat, why dont we just give them smaller, unsatisfying portions? great! and last i checked, americans were fatter and uglier than ever. but i digress.

so i'm looking at the yogurt. i like dannon, and i like my fruit on the bottom (i know that sounds really gay, but that's what it's called. there's no other way to describe it. and hey, if it was what you're thinking, i think being the pitcher is way less gay than being the catcher. so shutup reader!). so i'm looking at the shelf to find the kind i want, when it starts,

"oh, you want fruit on the bottom."


"fruit on the bottom. i have this kind here, it's only 50 cents for this" [holds up 4-pack. she was wrong actually, it was 50 cents each, for a total of $2. the kind i was looking at was 69 cents]

"oh, yeah. i like fruit on the bottom."

"well, here, i have a sample of the mixed fruit. you should try it. now i dont have the mixed fruit on the shelves, because i ran out. every time i take a flavor out here, it sells out! i'm getting more from the warehouse this afternoon."

"umm, ok. i guess i'll try it. [i try it. average at best.] oh, this is good!"

"well here, let me get you some right here on the shelf. we have...blueberry and prune. [gross.] look at how few there are. this is all we have! i sold out the rest."

"that's ok, i can get it. thanks. have a nice day."

with that, i picked up a 4-pack of the blueberry, to avoid further hassle. i then remembered that i forgot to get fajita wraps, so i doubled back to the mexican section. out of fajita wraps, great. so i calmly place the gross blueberry yogurt on the shelf, and casually walk away.

lesson of the day: if you try to force me to buy your food, i will take it, then leave it to spoil somewhere else in your store. cleanup in isle 9!

a just dessert

this just makes me feel awesome, especially after my rant about it last week. normally an avid american idol hater, i dont mind one bit that that's what people are watching. hey, no one's forcing me to watch it, and i'm certainly not.

also, this, while not entirely on topic, reminds me of something i heard recently at a comedy show (mike birbiglia, greg giraldo, and kyle grooms--hilarious show). greg giraldo said people need to stop blaming mcdonalds for being fat. its your fault if you eat it everyday. he advocates treating mcdonalds as if it were your wife's vagina--with respect, and only eat it on vacations.

finally, for those of you who have never taken my threats seriously, if i say i will cut you, i will cut you. my proof? i cut myself last night. granted, it was in the preparation of dinner, but still. don't fuck with me.

Saturday, February 18, 2006

family matters

let's be honest, there's nothing better than a little 3am domestic disturbance. i got to witness one last night from my bedroom window, and though it could have been a lot better, it had its moments. it started a little after i went to bed, when i heard this pounding on a door. i live on the 2nd floor of my building, and it sounded as though someone were banging on the front door downstairs. i let it go for a while, cuz i was real comfortable, but it didnt stop. so i got up. not that i was going to actually leave my apartment to let anyone in (with the one exception being if it was the person who lives downstairs--if it was any of her friends, then i dont really care). but i just wanted to see what was going on.

so i looked out the window and saw two people, but they weren't at my front door, they were down the other end of the block and across the street. i could hear muffled screaming, so to unmuffle it, i opened the window. i'm pretty sure the lady (or extremely girly man with high pitched voice) was slurring their speech, cuz i still couldnt understand all of it. the basic gist is that she was locked out of the place she was trying to get into, but i think she was locked out intentionally. and based on her flipping out, i dont blame whoever didnt want to see her. she kept screaming and pounding on the door and kicking it, getting a running start. the attempts were feeble. finally, she starts banging on the window too. then she decides it would be a good idea to break the window. glass shatters, now this is getting good. other neighbors from across the street are turning their lights on and looking out their doors and windows.

as soon as she breaks the window, i see flashing lights and the cops arrive. bad timing lady. in all, no fewer than five cop cars rolled in. it seemed unnecessary, but we are in bumfuck and i'm pretty sure the lady was a minority, so they probably all wanted to respond to the call. not that i'm making value judgments about the cops around here or anything...or am i. from there it was pretty anticlimactic. no flailing or kicking or anything of that sort. just a little screaming, and the cops screaming to shutup, which for the most part worked. so all in all i wasted like 15-20 minutes of solid sack time, and i didnt even get to see the drunk bitch slammed up against a cruiser. worthless.


on a completely unrelated note, i had a dream last night where the head baseball coach of the undergraduate school to which my law school belongs came to my house and told me he wanted me to play, and start, since i have 3 years of ncaa eligibility left. i remember there was to be extensive travelling involved, but i loved it and was going to do it anyway. but then i woke up to reality. what a pisser.

Friday, February 17, 2006

r.i.p., D.C.

today i lost a close friend. whenever we hung out, he always had tons of ideas of what to do, and was almost always entertaining. he was one of the most diverse, charasmatic, colorful beings i've known. like anything else, he had his faults, but they were primarily overrun by the good in him. i never met anyone who didnt like him. he always brought a smile to everyone's face, and could make someone feel better no matter how bad they felt.

i regret that since i began law school in august 2004 i have spent a lot less time with D.C. than i could have. i know it's not good to have regrets, but i can't help it this time. so, i just want to say: Digital Cable, i love you and i will miss you.

i'm going to hell.

Thursday, February 16, 2006

fuck you nbc

ok, it's rant time. by far, thursday is the best of the weekdays. not only because it's closest to the weekend, but because thursday nights at 930 THE OFFICE airs.

seeing as the olympics are now every even year (granted, summer/winter are still every 4 years), i, as well as many others i imagine, have completely lost interest. it was something when you had to wait 4 years for the next games. like a presidential election. and well all know this 4 years is going by incredibly slowly. but who can get excited for the olympics every other year? countries with sub-par professional sports leagues, that's who. and that does not include the united states.

due to this, i had completely forgotten that the olympics would be on all day, on one network or another, and i certainly didnt pay attention which networks at which times. so you can imagine my extreme disappointment when i got home from 4 hours of volunteer work, just in time for what i thought would be the beginning of THE OFFICE, to find small, girly, frail men in fucking tights figure skating across my screen. well, fuck you nbc. american idol is getting better ratings than the olympics. in what demented world did you think that people would rather watch some guy give himself the reacharound on ice while wearing skates and tights than THE OFFICE?!? this is even worse than the time abc showed the final round of a golf tourney in its entirety then cut off the playoff for a rerun of fucking 24. if i wanted to see this shit i would just watch bravo. the rainbow colored peacock that has so long been your icon has never been more fitting.

it's not often that i say someone should be shot and mean it. but tonight, 16 february 2006, someone should really be shot. where's fuckin cheney when we actually need him?

a walk in the park

today i took my dog to the park since it is absolutely gorgeous outside. we were walking along a path, and i noticed a nature trail thru the woods, so i figured what the hell, he'd love it, and it's a great day to be outside. as we were at the beginning of the trail (which turned out to be short and highly disappointing), we pass two guys finishing the trail and coming back to the park.

does anyone find it weird that two well dressed, well kept gentlemen took a "nature walk" together thru the woods in the middle of the day with a bag of what appeared to be dried fruit? me neither.

what's the deal

there are some things i just don't get

1) why dont people use their turn signals? is it a huge hassle to lift your arm and flip the indicator on? i dont think so. and here in america, many people are fat enough where this simple activity might raise their heart rates enough for it to be considered a workout! shit, if you just ate some broccoli then drove around for a while maybe you'd look more like that bulemic chainsmoker in your magazine that you idolize.

2) why do some people walk down the middle or even left side of a crowded hallway. damon has told me this is really the case in sweden, but that might be more understandable. but here we're in america. it's a right-dominated culture. most people are right-handed. we drive on the right side of the road. we make rights on red. if you keep clogging the hallways, i promise you a good right hook.

3) i dont think children in this town go to school half the time. the last 2 days it's been gorgeous outside, and no matter what time i go to class (9am, 1030am, 1230pm) there are kids just outside playing. this lack of education cant be good for the community. no wonder so many people here are religious.

ahhh, time to relax a bit before helping some local residents with their income taxes. i was thinking about why i like it today. there are several reasons, but i think the biggest one might surprise you, especially if you're a faithful reader. its not that i can put it on my resume, or any personal satisfaction i get from it all. no. it's when i finish up with a client, and they thank me, and it's obvious that they really, genuinely mean "thank you." it's nice to know that some people out there actually do appreciate when others do favors for them. in the last couple of days i've been annoyed by people not saying thank you if i hold a door, or on this narrow street if they dont wave when i pull over to let them pass instead of trying to make them wait for me. how hard is this stuff? but i have yet to have had even one client who was not patient, polite, and appreciative. who wants to help ingrates anyway?

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

express WARRANTy?

tom cruise goes to an herbal healer because he is having relationship troubles with his wife, katie holmes. times are tough for tomkat. he explains to the healer that he thinks everyone might be right; he might be gay. evidently he is having trouble rocking katie's world, or even giving her any pleasure whatsoever for that matter. he asks the herbalist if there's anything he can do.

the healer replies that he makes a special cherry pie that should work for this type of situation. he puts a secret ingredient in it, strong enough to de-gayify any major celebrity. he tells tom that he made one such pie for kevin federline, which enabled him to marry britney spears. tom places an order for the pie. two days later he picks it up, takes it home, and eats it. that night, he takes katie for a roll in the supportive hay, but to his displeasure, he's still gay. he sues the healer for breach of express warranty under UCC 2-313. what result?

first, we must broach the question of whether a warranty existed in the first place. to have an express warranty under 2-313, one requires 1) an affirmation of fact or promise made by the seller to the buyer which relates to the goods and becomes part of the basis of the bargain, 2) any description of the goods which is made part of the basis of the bargain, or 3) any sample or model which is made part of the basis of the bargain. given the facts above, a warranty is probably created by a description of the goods when the healer tells tom that it is "strong enough to de-gayify any major celebrity." it is also arguable that the healer's discussion of k-fed acts as a model. now, it is certainly not pleasing to look at k-fed, and it's even more painful to listen to him, but that is not the meaning of model in the 2-313 context. rather, a model is an example of the product which acts as a representation of the product the buyer is considering purchasing. tom's argument that k-fed is a model might fail, however, because the good is the pie itself, and the healer really spoke about the effect the pie had, namely the ability of k-fed to marry britney. that may be a question of fact for the jury.

it is likely that the description of the goods could be considered the basis of the bargain because it seems clear that tom relied upon the healer's representation of the effect of the pie in his decision to purchase it. comment 3 to 2-313 states that reliance is not necessary to form the basis of the bargain, however, where there is reliance, it certainly is a part of the basis. this is fairly easily categorized as the basis of the bargain.

the final question is was this in fact a breach of the warranty? this is also fairly simple, because the facts show that in the end tom was in fact still gay. since the warranty promised that the cherry pie would de-gayify tom, clearly it did not perform adequately.

well played, mr cruise. you will win some money back. however, your pride and self-respect were lost long ago, and can never be reclaimed.

*big ups to anyone who got the warrant-cherry pie reference

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

you know who asked, and so you know who shall receive

ever wonder what it would look like if the virgin mary met ron jeremy on valentine's day? well, lucky for you, i have located the before and after photos:

a little something for the readers

now i'm not sure, but this probably came from st. valentine himself. enjoy.

Monday, February 13, 2006

motivational monday

Sunday, February 12, 2006

the coalm variety hour

several, completely unrelated things to discuss right now.

1) awesome weekend. awesome.

2) the weathermen dropped the ball, ONCE AGAIN. apparently, 6-12 inches really means 3. good work. is there still anyone who really believes meteorology is an actual science? how could you? i wouldnt be surprised if meteorologists were really contracted out to news stations by non-perishable food companies and distributors. its always "there's a hurricane/tornado/snowstorm, stock up on canned goods!" but then there never is. fuck you, wethy mcweatherson. you're a dick. and you're always wrong.

3) in a related story, 2 different people found this blog by googling "i hate weathermen." clearly, i'm doing my job.

4) someone from delhi, india found this blog by doing a blogger search for "motivational." man, i hope they didnt kill themselves.

5) stay tuned for motivational monday...

Thursday, February 09, 2006

a little less conversation, a little more action please

dont get me wrong, i dont make new years resolutions. but one thing i pretty much constantly strive for is to eat well, or at least better. i just like eating well. i feel good. and dont misinterpret this, i dont mean i'm going to start cooking/eating vegetables at every meal. but i'd like to cook more meals myself. it could be clams, bacon strips, baloney sandwiches, tacos, cake, chopped ham, gingerbread, hot pockets (homemade of course), jellyroll, lobster claw, or snapper. the important thing is that i cook it myself.

i dont know that my goal is to lose weight, or be healthier, or what. i just enjoy cooking, and i feel better when i cook food myself, and not order it from some gross restaurant. face it, ladies, i'm a catch. too bad for you i'm already caught.


Wednesday, February 08, 2006

classy, part deux

thanks to the fine person in oklahoma who took the time to stop by to perhaps find an answer to the question "do you think there are hummers in heaven?"

i feel obliged to respond. i've heard that there are no earthly pleasures in heaven. apparently by making it to heaven we have transcended the need for bodily delight. to that i must respond, that aint no heaven, jesus. or maybe, whoevever told me that was just on crazy pills.


to whoever came to my site from googling "god killed two puppies." if there wasn't one before, i think this instance marks coalm with a permanent stamp of classiness.

the birds and the bees

but today, mostly the birds. and i mean birds as in foul, disease-ridden, feathered animals, not the austin powersian meaning for women. evidently, the resident birds have developed an intense need for some imodium...all over my car. damn them. this once again shows, that the only thing birds are good for is to be eaten (again, the animal). hahahaha god. it's as if i got into someone's bottle of xanax today. awesome.

the worst 6 minutes of my life

i just experienced the worst 6 minutes of my life. i was innocently eating lunch and watching the price is right. but then it ended. so i'm flipping thru the channels, and i get distracted by an email i got. i looked up, and my tv was on...dun dun dun...mtv. shit. as if mtv wasnt already the worst thing ever, it was some show called "date my mom" and it was an episode where a gay guy is evidently going on dates with other gay guys' moms. one guy told his mother, HIS MOTHER, to ask the guy if he (the other guy) was "the bread or the bun." and he told his mom that if the other guy asks, he is a club sandwich, whatever the fuck that means. this show was just fucking disgusting, and it had nothing to do with the guys being gay. sorry, there's just some stuff you dont tell your mother, unless you're abraham, in which case your mom might have heard it already from your sister anyway. on top of all this, it was made in the typical sleazy, overproduced, hyperrealistic manner which only mtv could accomplish.

once i realized what was going on, i immediately hit the channel up button. hgtv has never looked so sweet...or heterosexual.

oh, nebraska

a good reason to card your prospective girlfriend. just hope she doesn't have a fake. although, i suppose if you card her you might be able to show you didn't have the requisite mens rea for the crime. i mean, the ID said she was of age, and you just thought she was fond of gardening.

Monday, February 06, 2006

the wonder of it all

when it comes to bread, rye is next to godliness. anyone who disagrees can just go to hell. hey, i'll see you there.

(bonus) motivational monday

if you found the "super"bowl and its commercials as disappointing as i did, then you also need some bonus motivation on this monday. well this is for you, dear reader. for you.

Sunday, February 05, 2006

the not-so-super bowl

well, that game was exciting for approximately five minutes, if that. not to mention that no one cares (or should care) about either team. the best part of the game was when tom brady did the coin toss. god he's so much better than anyone else who stepped on the field tonight. also, the majority of the commercials sucked. no one wants to see movie previews during the superbowl, yet there were so many.

everything about that left me in a state of general malaize. good thing tomorrow is motivational monday...

Saturday, February 04, 2006

so you want to be a volunteer

well, the first client session for VITA was thursday night. as i left to go to it i was already exhausted, and really didnt feel like going. i mean, come on. volunteering is like theory it's great, but in practice, ehhhhh.

so i arrived at 530, pretty much convinced whoever i helped that night was fucked. and not fucked as in "i've been on the real world" fucked. and not fucked in the good way either. i'm talking fucked. all of our training was on the regular paper version of the 1040, but the actual program is done on this taxwise software, on which we had one training session, where the lady just sped thru it all at a rate that's 10 times faster than tom cruise can masturbate to the idea of scientology.

while we were all sitting down at our computers, the coordinator mentioned that for the first few weeks we could work together if we wanted, to get the feel of the program and the general process down. well, being tired i was also a bit antisocial, and didnt feel like putting up with small talk or anything else useless like that. further, i noticed most of the other people pussed out and had paired up. there was this one guy in the row in front of me, but i figured i'd learn the program/process better if i just did it myself. jump right in, ya know. and i'm glad i did.

it also helped that my first client was very nice, and also patient. but i mean, there's no reason not to be. in a few hours, someone else is doing your taxes for free. you cant/dont want to do them yourself, that's why you're there. you can't/dont want to pay for them to be done professionally, that's why you're there.

there were definitely points that were frustrating and/or confusing, but it turned out that most of these times were due to glitches in the program. i'm not exactly sure why this particular program is used (as opposed to something like turbotax, or even using paper forms), but i dont think its too much to ask that they fix the program so it doesnt fuck things up that you need to override all the time. if i wanted my computer programs to be fucked up, i'd buy another dell.

but the job got done, with only 1 or 2 very minor errors on my part. not bad for the first time. i can live with that. and clients stopped coming in by 9 or so, so i got to leave a little early and made it home in time to see "the office." not so bad after all. now if we could only do something about these social classes...

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

email dicta

at some point today it hit me--i need a 4th, mostly useless email address. so now, faithful readers, you can email dicta with thoughts, questions, whatever, at

your questions, etc, will be answered asap (read: whenever i get around to it/feel like it/maybe never). i'd do anything for you, faithful reader, as long as it's easy.