Confessions of a Litigious Mind

The random, irrelevant musings of a law school graduate.

Friday, June 30, 2006

dell (dude, you're getting a shitbox)

dell sucks. i know i've posted something very similar before about dell, but my dell is giving me fucking problems again. i bought my dell 2 years ago, in the summer before i began law school. within the first 3 months, it was taking my dell 10 minutes, minutes just to load my desktop. i called dell, and dell outsourced me to fucking india where the dell guy thickly told me to shove my dell up a camel's ass, trip said camel full o' dell, then punch it in the face. this supposedly would cure my dell. surprise surprise, it didnt fix my dell. when it didnt work i felt bad about punching the camel, but then i realized it was dell property, so i punched it again.

fast forward to february, and my dell desktop is now taking at least 45-50 minutes to load before i can use any dell applications on my dell. from november thru february i had constantly fought on the phone with dell, and had also sent no fewer than 20 emails to dell. i had it with dell. i demanded that dell send a dell technician or that they give me a new dell or something, since none of the dell outsourcing folks could fix my dell. finally, dell agreed that my dell hard drive was defective, and dell said they would replace it. of course, dell fought so hard with me because i was still under my dell warranty then and it was free. dell is a bunch of pricks.

but i was pissed at dell, and dell had been assholes to me, so i decided to be an asshole to dell. i demanded that dell send someone to my apartment and change the dell hard drives themselves, even though this is a very simple task, even on a dell. dell complied with my request.

since then my dell desktop has loaded fine, but my dell blue-screens on me at startup sometimes. it has been every now and then, but this week my shitty dell blue-screened 3 times. it doesnt seem to be fucking anything up on my dell, but i'm afraid it might, and furthermore it's just really fucking annoying.

fuck you dell. dell has always sucked, dell still sucks, and dell will always suck. i will never again buy a dell, i will never shop for a dell, i will never recommend dell to others, and if someone is considering a dell i will advise them against it. dell computers are shitty, and dell's service is even shittier. i hate you dell.

i hope that's enough times to come up somewhere for a google/blog search.

dell (sucks).

Thursday, June 29, 2006

what's his face

almost everyone has been told at some point that they look like someone else. i've been told by several people independently that i look like josh beckett, the red sox pitcher, especially when we both have beards. but two weeks ago i got a new one--kyle orton, the qb for the chicago bears. we were at the bar for $1 drafts on tuesday, and some drunk kids came over and told me i look just like him, and one kid asked me to pose for a picture, in which he bent down a little so it looked like i was taller than he was. good times. anyway, i've heard this a few i thought i'd let you all judge for yourselves. of course, the pretty girl in white is dominique!

bonus points for accuracy

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

i'm too sexy for

sometimes life is funny. it has to be, or else what's the point? if you didnt enjoy it, it would...well...suck. you just have to laugh.

we have a case where a religious figure cheated on his wife with a parishoner, and cheated on them both with more people. well, the parishioner he cheated with is suing both the religious figure and the church. we represent the church.

i dont know what's more amusing, the fact that yet another religious figure is a sexual deviant in some manner or the fact that i'm doing research to help a church.

which reminds me of an old, but good joke:
Q. what's the difference between acne and a priest?
A. acne doesn't come all over your face until you're 15

you know my hips dont lie, and i'm starting to feel its right

hangover wednesday is the bastard child of monday. every tuesday night matt, ron, macunas, other workermonkeys, laura, and i go to $1 draft night here:

it's a great time...the beers are cheap, and when it's nice out like last night we can sit outside right on the water. in the spirit of the night, i've decided to compile lists of the good and bad on $1 draft nights

the good
1) beers are $1
2) lots of good friends go so the company is great
3) the cups look small, but measurements indicate they are indeed 12 oz, and they fill them to the top
4) the lead singer of the cover band is back, meaning better song selection and just better music
5) its like a high school reunion there
6) there's the outside seating right on the river

the bad
1) the beer is bud light (throw me some coors for christ's sake!)
2) there can be a shortage of chairs at times outside
3) one of the waitresses took our gigantic cup tower we made
4) the band refuses to learn even one meatloaf song
5) its like a high school reunion there
6) goddamn hangover wednesday

by this time (948am) i've managed to conquer the headache portion of hangover wednesday for the most part, and my stomach has felt better. but i'm mostly ok, and can certainly function. i credit that to my home remedy of 4 advil, 2 sausage egg and cheese mcmuffins, and some soda.

you wanna fight, hangover wednesday? bring it. i will punch you in the face!

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

room with a view

a car accident just happened on the street outside our building. i heard screeching tires and looked up, and i can see it thru the trees out my office window. it's a shame we're not that type of firm, we would've had a decided advantage.

Monday, June 26, 2006

the dance continues

oh law school, so everything's not running on schedule? weird. oh, so things are kinda fucked up? no fucking way, i dont believe it. so you still use obscure language to veil your shittiness? i didnt even see it coming. ha, yeah right.

so here are a couple snippets from an email the school sent to the students this morning:

"the Council of the Section of Legal Education and Admissions to the Bar (which is the ABA committee responsible for accreditation proceedings), “granted acquiescence in the Law School’s application to open a second location in [new location] at which students would be able to earn all the credits necessary for the J.D. degree” and “decided to permit the School to file for provisional approval of the [new] location during 2006-2007 and, in the course of that application, to request that the [old] and [new] locations be considered one unitary law school and that provisional approval (or full approval if the requirements of full approval are met) be granted as a single unitary law school."

ok, they can request to be a unitary law school. well, if it is unitary, then why the fuck cant i take 5 "distance learning" credits instead of 4. i mean, would it theoretically even be distance? isnt all learning distance? i mean, the professor is usually a good 5 yards at least from the front row, and maybe up to 20 from the back. talk about distance!

"The one-semester delay in our variance means that about 35 students whose schedules had contemplated a variance this fall have had to work with Dean [fuckface] and our Academic Affairs Office to make some adjustments to their schedules. Happily, we have been able to add a few core classes at each of our locations that have made these adjustments much easier. I am very grateful to the affected students for working so cooperatively with Dean [fuckface] to make these adjustments."

oh, but right, nothing gets done on time, i forgot. and also, thats pretty much a blatant lie. not only did they not add any courses i could take (the registrar only mentioned 1 added course total anyhow), but they also removed a course i could have taken. very helpful, thanks. so there's nothing happy about it. the adjustment was not easy, and now i hate my fall schedule even more than i already did, which was a lot. you should be grateful to those students who you fucked over. i'm sure you're not really however, and you're just giving us lip service. well, my advice would be to close the door to your office and give yourself some "lip service," fucker.

in other monday morning news, i got about 4.5 hours of sleep last night because my dog got sick. no reason, he just spontaneously gets sick sometimes. took a fucking shit all over my floor. cleaning shit off the floor at 230am is a good fucking time, trust me. then i couldnt sleep, cuz i knew he'd do it again. i just barely averted disaster when i woke out of my barely sleeping state at 4am and let him outside. awesome.

i hope you all enjoyed the ugly girl motivational monday. there should be a requirement to get a second opinion before buying a shirt like that. then again, i guess only ugly people would buy the shirt. yeah, keep telling yourself that, girl. it's not your looks or even the shirt that got that guy to come home with you, its the tremendous amount of jager he drank before meeting you. rest assured he regretted it come morning.

dominique is back from canada though, and i got to talk to her last night. that made me very happy. that was my monday motivation.

motivational monday

Thursday, June 22, 2006

was it out of 6?

so, the US was ranked #5 huh? interesting. maybe if ghana knew that they wouldnt have eliminated us. someone probably should have told them. maybe then they would've been scared of us and choked.

i guess there's only one thing to do now--sit back and wait for all the riots to start. oh right, the 90th minute expired, and americans can now go back to not giving a shit about soccer.

hey, thanks guys, that was really fun. are we done now?

super droopers

dear tough guys who rice out your cars,

you should never, ever be driving like a pussy. dont sit there with your pimped out civic going 70mph, making me hit my brakes if you cut me off to pass someone going 69mph. while i greatly enjoy looking at the back of your gigantic spoiler and your tacky decals, the only thing more immasculating than your pink racing stripe is when i fly by your slow ass in my 2000 corolla with a dent on the rear passenger's door from a deer's face. your lack of even average sized genetalia is more transparent than oj's "not guilty" plea. if you really feel the need for such a pissing contest on the interstate, do us all a favor and pop a squat at the next rest stop.

with honesty, love, and no respect whatsoever,


Wednesday, June 21, 2006

roundhousing the client

opposing counsel for one of our cases is actually named chuck norris. we're fucked.

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

once again, fuck you [law school]

well, i was originally going to post about one thing, but something new just came up. i might still post later on the first, we'll see.

but really, fuck my law school. fuck it. i wish some natural disaster would come thru and fuck up my law school city so that i could transfer and not have to deal with this school and these people ever again. north korea, if you can hear me, drop your fucking bombs on my law school. right. fucking. now.

i got an email yesterday from the registrar asking when she could call me and at what number because she had to talk to me about my fall 2006 schedule. ok, fucking great. obviously its not going to be "hey i just wanted to tell you that your schedule looks great! nice job!" oh, fucking no. no its not. so i told her to call me this morning at 930, and she did.

my fucking genious school, in an attempt to better itself at the expense of the current students of whom it couldnt give a fucking shit about, has decided to branch out into two campuses until it eventually phases mine out (if you're not fucking retarded i bet you could even figure out my school from all this shit i've posted about how fucking retarded it is). but they decided that it would be a good idea if we could take classes from both campuses, cuz otherwise it would suck if we couldnt take what we wanted and the class selection was much narrower. makes fucking sense right? oh, but there's a catch. it's the motherfucking exception that eats up the rule!

apparently, the problem with my schedule is that we are not allowed to take more than 4 "distance learning" credits, aka shit from the campus you're not at. 4 is so fucking arbitrary, especially when 95% of our fucking classes are either 2 or 3 credits. evidently, i'm signed up for 5, as i had a 3 and a 2-credit class on my fall schedule. it's not like all my classes were distance. in fact, the professor of the 2 credit class has been at my campus and is just moving. FUCK. ok, so it doesnt really better our academic choice cuz i still can only take one distance learning class. well this makes the already fucked up schedule even fucking worse. not only are classes scheduled at random times and for random days of the week (why, a set pattern would be so awful...and convenient!), but now i can only really take classes at my campus.

then, to kick a motherfucker while he's down, she informs me that another class that would have fit my schedule after i dropped one of those classes is not being offered anymore. oh, fucking great. that's fantastic. fucking fantastic. so i dropped the 2 credit which could have maybe been at least a tiny bit interesting, and picked up another 3. yet another class i dont give a flying fuck about, and i'm not remotely interested in ocean and coastal law. and last i checked, pennsylvania didnt even border a fucking ocean. what the fuck.

and i dont have my schedule in front of me, so i dont know how the big picture looks right now. but i'm sure i'm going to fucking hate it. after all, i made my schedule the way i did for a fucking reason. but the school decided to be stupid fuckers and split the fuck up and now its fucked me yet again.

this has got to be the dumbest fucking school ever. NEVER FUCKING GO TO MY MOTHERFUCKING LAW SCHOOL. they will take lots of your (or your bank's) money, they will spend it, they will bend you over, they will fuck you up your fucking ass, and they wont give a fuck, cuz hey, they moved up a measly three fucking spots in US news, not even to top tier mind you. well, fuck you law school. this is such fucking bullshit. god fucking damnit i'm pissed.

Monday, June 19, 2006


to a few people who made my drive home from work a bit more entertaining.

first, thank you to the girl in the car in front of me at the stoplight. chatting away on the phone, you decided to spit out the window. however, you didnt test the wind, and it blew your spit right back into your car. i've never seen a more disgusted face than the one in your side mirror after that happened. it was fantastic.

second, thanks to the teenage kid in the back seat of the small 4 door car who required a helmet. nothing makes me smile more than the notion that without a helmet you might hurt yourself simply by going along for the ride. dont forget to snap the chin strap.

thanks guys.

motivational monday

Thursday, June 15, 2006


this reminded me of the story i wrote about the other day

[insert clever title here]

really? REALLY? it's not that i havent always thought people magazine was complete trash, cuz i have, but even this surprises me. i dont know why though.

i'm not sure on the criteria for "hottest bachelor" but i know this guy doesnt have it. if you're going to pick someone with gray hair at least pick someone older and distinuished...or at least respectable. this guy is pre-pre-prematurely gray. is that hot nowadays?

maybe it is. after all, america is changing. maybe next year it will be a 330lb guy with a beer gut, grease on his chin, hairy ears, and an IQ lower than that of a retarded alpaca.

"billy bob enjoys sitting, laying, sleeping, snoozing, snoring, guns, clogged arteries...and oh yeah, god."

you could sit on the street corner in any major US city blindfolded with a gun and shoot a "hotter bachelor" within your first three shots...and that includes misses.

now i dont swing the brokeback way, so this doesnt really affect me in any other way than the fact that actually classifies this shit as news. but if people actually agree with this, well then america is in a lot worse shape than i thought. and that's really scary.

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

great moments in lawyering

today for lunch i brought leftovers from dinner last night, which included a healthy amount of red sauce. i just finished eating, and my clean white shirt is still clean and white. this might be the greatest accomplishment i have all summer.

this may or may not become a series...we'll see how many great moments i have.

when pain becomes laughter

i have this recurring thing with my foot, where sometimes i will get sharp, shooting pains in my right foot when i walk on it. well, it's been back all week, and today it hurts to the point where i'm limping a little when i walk. this is not cool, as limping is only hot on pimps and midgets.

so, i went to webmd to diagnose it (even though i've been to the doctor before cuz i thought it might be a fracture or something), and i couldnt help but laugh at one of the options for the "check your symptoms" page: "Are you unable to free a trapped foot from an object, such as a pipe, toy, or jar?"

i mean, really? how often does this happen? i guess often enough that they needed to post it on webmd.

"honey, you better go on webmd. i got my foot caught in that fucking jar again!"

Tuesday, June 13, 2006


1) hey guys, i'm headed to davenport for a luncheon and my car broke down, can you give me a lift?

2) becoming a member of the church is a long, arduous process. how embarassing would it be if you were the only one who didnt know how to molest a little boy?

3) welcome to america, where all are preach equal treatment. you're just like any other pastor now.

4) ben roethliserijsijaasiidjfidjigroiwuewiberger's twin? well, couldnt be. this doesnt say anything about head injuries, so this guy might've been wearing a helmet.

5) bravo, homeland security, bravo.

Monday, June 12, 2006

my mm brings all the bloggers to the yard

ok, so apparently people like the motivational mondays. my hits are drastically down for the summer, which is to be expected, but i forget how many hits i get on mondays. it carries the week, really.

today, in lieu of heading to the office, i went up to the CBA seminars at the convention center in hartford. let me tell you, for those who havent been, the ct convention center is everything it's hyped to be. the place is sweet. and the restroom facilities...probably the nicest in the state. and, if you get off on FRCP 26(f), then you would've needed to bring a change of pants, as that was the seminar i went to.

when the morning seminar let out, there was a scheduled lunch. however, the partner i was there for didnt plan on going, so i was on my own. i called up lk since she works somewhat nearby to see if she wanted to meet for lunch, but no answer. so there's a marriot attached to the convention center, so i wandered down to the posh hotel restaurant. the food was good, and reasonably priced, but $4 for a coors light is ridiculous. the world cup was on the tv in the bar area, and so i watched the US/czech republic game as i ate.

i just have 2 things to say about the world cup game. first, SOCCER IS BORING. i know there's this whole debate under the world cup post, but people are missing the point. i never said baseball players were in better shape, or anything like that. perhaps some people dont enjoy baseball as much because they dont understand it. whereas soccer is simple. put the ball in the net. but the point was, soccer is boring to watch on tv. games are on a ridiculously large field, for more than 90 minutes, and you're lucky if you see more than 1 or 2 goals. so, there are probably about 30 total seconds of excitement in the 90 minutes. that's 0.6% of the game, for you math whizzes. however, in a sport like baseball (as it's the one readers seem to be picking on, i merely gave it as an example), every pitch is different. in soccer, they just kick. and by the way, what kind of fucking sport doesnt let you use your hands?!

second, did anyone see the US game today? #5 my ass. the FIFA rankings are pretty much bullshit to begin with, but we got it fucking handed to us. i know i know, dicta did his reseach...czech republic is #2. but put up a goddamn fight for christ's sake. how are you going to get the US public interested if you cant even give them a good game? the first goal was like 5 minutes in. 2-0 by the half. it was pitiful. and 2 of the guys, albeit not americans, just fell on the ground and were carried off on stretchers. what's up with that?!

after lunch, i decided to take a little walk around new england's rising star. but it was hot out, and there was this tavern/sports bar across the street from the convention center, so after walking for 15 mins or so, i stopped in there for a few more beers (we got a long lunch break). there, i met this other guy from the convention who does private practice tax and estate planning. my hero. we bullshitted for a few beers, then headed back to the convention center. i then picked up a book from an afternoon seminar that one of the partners asked me to get, and headed home for the day.

upon arrival at home, i discovered that the cigars i ordered had been shipped. so, i had a cigar out on the deck while relaxing in the sunshine with my dog. now, i'm sitting on the couch, writing, with a cool breeze coming inside. that, my friends, is how you have a fucking monday.

motivational monday

possibly the last one for a while. no one seems to give a shit included?

Sunday, June 11, 2006

world cup fever

it's not that i have world cup fever, but that the world cup is giving me a fever. soccer? please.

now dont get me wrong, i like soccer. i really do. playing soccer is really fun. in college i played intramural soccer for 3 years. we went undefeated one season. i played goal cuz no one else on my team could catch, and everyone else was afraid of the ball. but i loved playing goal. god, if he existed, would know that i dont have any foot-eye coordination anyhow. i'm more of a baseball guy. playing soccer is great.

but one thing i cannot do is watch professional soccer (i can watch amateur games if i know someone playing). i cant. trust me, i've tried. the other day (maybe yesterday, i dont know they all blend in) i watched like 15 minutes of argentina/ivory coast. in those 15 minutes i saw only one shot on goal, and for 12-13 of those minutes the ball was kept in the middle third of the field. just kicking it back and forth. striker, wing, defense, wing, striker, defense, striker, wing...ahhhhhhh! i'll admit, it's cool when they score...when they score. but i can catch those highlights on sportscenter.

and besides, what kind of game can end in ties?! hockey used to, but they fixed that glitch. football technically can, but never does. ties are for shoelaces and sexual offenders, not sports.

luckily, this isnt really a huge problem for me, other than having to hear about it all the time. world cup programming wont block out any sporting events i'm interested in, and i dont have any regular weekly shows running now that i have to worry about missing on network tv.

maybe i'll give it another chance, if there's an interesting game on. cuz if dicta is anything, it's open-minded. now shut the hell up.

Friday, June 09, 2006

choosing the right firm

i'm sure some of you have seen this, but i'm also sure some of you have not. it's hilarious. the attorney profiles are the best part.

Thursday, June 08, 2006

hop the fence

immigration thought of the day: you can't spell mexican-american without "i can"...twice

dont come around here no more

the city i work in is somewhat ghetto and shitty. there are parts of it that you just dont want to walk thru. already this summer i've seen a handful of crazy homeless people, a guy with no hand, and a guy with a sweet eye patch. good times.

so yesterday i'm leaving the office for the day, and there's this guy downstairs in our lobby. uncharacteristically, i nod at him and say hello. his actions mirror mine. then, as i'm about out the door, he says, "hey, excuse me" and then proceeds to tell me a sob story about how he works two towns over from here, lives in rhode island, and has run out of gas. could i please help him out?

hi buddy. my name is dicta. i have a general disdain for others, especially those who ask favors of strangers more complicated than "please hold the elevator." so i told him that i could get him to a phone. this prompts him to tell me how he already tried calling his wife several times, but she's apparently not home. he clearly wants money. and i'm sorry, do i look stupid?

first of all, i cant see your car that has run out of gas at the top of the hill. also, i dont work that close to rhode island, so it is ludicrous for anyone who doesnt have money to pay for gas to commute this far everyday as he claimed to do. so naturally, i did the american thing. i blatantly lied and told him i didnt have any cash on me.

then i came into the office today and our paralegal said he tried the same thing with her when she left the office. apparently he claimed that "they" told him to "wait for the people in suits to come down." hahaha, ok. then one of the partners here said to let him know if this guy is back, cuz we have a blanket warrant for our building for people such as this. also, our paralegal mentioned other people in town trying the same thing...people who wander over from the soup kitchen. one guy tried the same "i locked my keys in the car" story on her two different days.

there's not really a point to this post other than entertainment's sake. but really, humanity continues to amaze me on a daily basis. handouts are for the spoiled and school children. stop being crazy and get a damn job.

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

at least 1 strike left!

thank god lots of states dont have three strikes laws. otherwise nice, honest, hardworking people like this might actually get what they deserve. just think, if south carolina had a three strikes law (it might, but i'm not going to do the research to find out), this guy would only get to rape and kill one more person. hellooooooooo, this country was founded on a little thing called liberty my friends!

what good is "freedom" if you cant rape and kill whoever you want?! i'm not saying once a criminal always a criminal, but...

there, that should morally outrage some of you. discuss!

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

happy 06/06/06

Monday, June 05, 2006

motivational monday

Friday, June 02, 2006


is my blog bad? what do you like about it? what do you not like about it? improvements, changes?*

the reason i ask is because i've spent the last hour or so just randomly surfing thru blogs and blawgs and i have to say, 99% of them fucking sucked. i mean like i wanted to drive a fork thru my eyes sucked. so basically i was wondering if mine was the same.

*your comments may or may not mean a damn thing, as i ultimately write the blog for myself with the possible exception of motivational monday. i'm just curious i guess. offense will not be taken from negative feedback, cuz i mean, maybe your blog sucks too?

lions and tigers and...birds, oh my

i got up to massachusetts on friday, and several hours after my arrival dominique and i picked her sister up from school and brought her to get her hair did. we grabbed lunch at a nearby subway, then went out for a drive and took the scenic route home.

we were driving peacefully down a back road in some traffic, and decided to turn around and head towards home. dominique puts her left turn signal on and stops to wait for oncoming traffic to pass. all of a sudden, we hear screeching tires, and this fat old guy behind us yells out of his truck window "you stupid fuck!"

i dont know if he had a problem with us turning left, or if he just had a severe case of crabs that was flaring up, but you dont call my girlfriend a stupid fuck. so naturally i expressed my feelings towards him as i sometimes do, and i flipped him off. predictably, he did not like this.

but this man had more pent up anger than most. traffic passed, and we turned down the side street to turn around. the guy in the truck turns quickly into a driveway right after this road, turns around, and comes flying down the road after us, all the while yelling "you're flipping me off?! YOU'RE flipping me off?!?!" of course i was, asshole.

as we're turning around, he parks his truck in the road, and comes running after our car (if you could call it running), yelling about being flipped off the whole time. to give the interaction some closure, we both flip him off as we drive away, for being a total douchebag. the combination of his rabid anger and chasing our car probably gave him a heart attack soon after. or maybe it caused him to shed a pound or two. really, his fat ass should probably have thanked us for giving him the most exercise he's seen in years, unless you consider trying to find your own genetalia in the shower exercise.

i've told many stories on this blog about flipping people off. i've described my actions in many different ways. but this time, i thought i would help you out, dear readers, so you can imagine what it's really like. after all, a picture is worth 1000 words.