Confessions of a Litigious Mind

The random, irrelevant musings of a law school graduate.

Friday, March 31, 2006

sometimes i'm sad

like when i realize i didnt think this up first.

Thursday, March 30, 2006

brotherhood of the beard

so i'm currently rockin a beard. it's partially cuz i havent felt like shaving and partially cuz i felt like a change of pace. but since i've been rockin it, i've noticed something interesting: a lot more other bearded men now acknowledge me with a head nod as we pass.

now, it could just be that i never noticed it before for a lack of thinking about it. who knows. but i've been noticing it more lately. i dont know if its a good thing or a bad thing...or just a thing. and i think its odd, cuz i think i look kinda sketchy. maybe its me just being critical of me, but who knows. but sometimes i think beards make people look sketchy. serial killers and rapists often have weird facial hair. well, one thing is for sure. if any other bearded men asked me if i want in on the gang rape they're about to commit, i'll calmly reply, "no, that's ok, i'm not a duke alumn. but thanks anyway!"

i should've been a clergyman

i know that might surprise some of you, but take a look at this. over 12,000 claims since 1950. that's 214.3 claims per year. it would seem like god is giving these guys plenty of free time. i'm not into little boys, so just think of how much golf i could play!

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

election update

candy boy defeats nonexistent girl in vp runoff

vagina welfare

this is the dumbest thing i've seen in a while. and i'm already pissed about something else right now, so this might be harsh, but whatever.

i'd like to write an open letter to mr. pielech, and the citizens of, well, everywhere. if you cant keep your goddamn legs closed, or use contraceptives, then that's your problem. yes, its extremely unfortunate for the kids born into a shitty situation. but what about personal responsibility? if you arent responsible enough to have sex, you shouldnt be having it. and if you do and something goes wrong, well fuck you. deal with it. thats what you get, you knew the risks. but PAYING women to not get pregnant is the single dumbest idea i've ever fucking heard of.

because there's no better way to use that money. no, of course not. fuck awareness, fuck training, fuck putting the money towards the kids (i know the article says that it would save more, blah blah blah. but that doesnt help the kids who are actually alive now. fuck them anyway). its fucking vagina welfare. dont get me wrong, my problem is not that women are the ones getting paid. no, not at all. my problem is it's a FUCKING STUPID idea.

the people who come up with shit like this are the ones who should be aborted. i guess mommy only had plastic hangers. that's a shame.


today,'s poll was "do you know anyone who is an illegal immigrant?" holy randomness. is this being monitored by big brother? well, other than my old movie-stealing neighbors, my housekeeper, and possibly my dog, no.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

don't water the plants, they're plastic!

by now you have all probably realized that if there's one thing dicta cares deeply about, it's charity. it's all about the people. as a result, there was no possible way i could turn down an offer i got in my email on sunday. ALDF (animal legal defense fund, obviously) is holding its annual pet photo contest, and i have honorably and selflessly decided to submit the following photo of coalms very own mascot, santos:

the contest runs from apr 3-7 in the law school cafe. apparently people put coins in jars, or something like that. the proceeds benefit the louisiana humane society, because let's be honest, fuck louisiana's people. the animals are way cuter. the contest costs nothing to enter, and the winners get gift certificates to either knisley's pet center or petco. now that's my kind of charity work. go santos!

santos, don't look at the fat ass losers or freaks, look at me!

Monday, March 27, 2006

st. elmo's flier

some say imitation is the highest form of flattery. others say it's copulation. perhaps i'll discuss the latter group at some point, but i'm posting today to talk about the former. as you all know, i regularly channel my hysterical antics into poster form every monday, in order to lighten the mood and kick the week off right for both myself and my readers. one inevitability of this, however, is that at some time there is bound to be at least one uncreative, unoriginal, and overzealous reader who passes my work off as their own (or at least posts it without credit).

now, perhaps our overeager zealot didnt realize that i create the posters. but to me it just seems like proper blog ettiquite to give some credit when you take something from another blog. and if you disagree, you can shut the hell up until you make something creative (note: it's also proper ettiquite to tell people to shut the hell up as you deem necessary).

and i say this solely for the good of the charlatans who rip others off. i am not trying to, nor am i under any delusion that i will, become well-known thru my blog or my motivational monday posts. but people are going to be really disappointed when the day comes that you're stranded out there on your own without the support system of the internet and your true, boring colors shine thru. and why shouldnt they be? for shame, they thought they knew you.

ultimately, anyone who wants should feel free to copy any of my work. i do not mind. however, and this is a preemptive disclaimer of sorts, you cannot complain when i link to you and then make fun of you. especially if your blog is lame. and you are clearly at least middle aged, yet call yourself a girl. and spell it "gurl" no less. no matter how much you want to feel younger, i dont think you need to resort to flagrant and childish spelling errors. if you really want to feel younger you should just not look in the mirror for a few days. and just be yourself! your lame, plagarizing self. hope this helps!

originally witty and yours,



spring semester is heading into its stressful, vomit inducing home stretch. this means its time for my re-awakening to the glory of caffeine. except on the most trying of days, i generally decrease both coffee and soda consumption for the mid-third of each semester. i almost forget about their wonderful, glorious nature. but then one day, out of nowhere, you realize it's 9am on a monday, you have two huge papers due in a couple weeks, four finals, volunteer work, you need a job, your final four bracket is busted, and you're trying to calculate and characterize hidden interest in a property-for-stock exchange. cue senor headache.

so, in between advanced tax and native american law, i ran down to the cafe and grabbed a soda. well, thanks to said soda and a couple advil, i'm a new man, ready to take on the challenges of today! namely, paying bills and not slitting my wrists.

that's right, i said sarah jessica parker is busted. wanna fight about it?!

motivational monday

Sunday, March 26, 2006

swiss mess

i think a good idea would be for companies to better perforate the packets of hot chocolate, so that when you tear them apart you dont spill hot chocolate powder all over the counter and floor, you know, hypothetically.

Saturday, March 25, 2006


it's time, people. for most of you, this is probably going to be the most significant internet experience you ever have. ok ok, for some of you it will be this. but this is certainly no less than second. for the past six months, you've loyally read this blog. you couldn't help but think things like, "this kid is fucking hilarious! i wonder what he looks like. i bet he's hot!" well, today i am going to confirm these thoughts. further, as a special treat, the photo will also contain dominique!

now i know you might remember being duped before. but rest assured, this one is legit. you might be asking yourself, "why is he doing this?" the answer is unquestionably, "because."

so, without further ado...

here it is...

the shocking picture of dominique and dicta:

fuck it, i'll give you two! but you owe me, you bastards!

it's all greek to me

i was chatting with a friend from college who had im'd me this morning when she told me she had to go, because she was going to go shopping with her "big" and her "twin" from her sorority. now, i know what a "big" and "little" are because i knew some sorostitutes in undergrad. i had heard the term "twin" before, but i had never known what it meant, so clearly i had to ask.

apparently, two people become "twins" when they are both taken by the same "big" simultaneously. i guess this kind of makes sense, however, it's not like you came out of your big's vagina on the same day. but really, i think it's more like when parents adopt 2 non-related kids at once. so maybe instead of "twins" they should be called "jolies" or something.

the term "twin" just doesn't sit well with me. then again, neither does the idea of paying $500 per semester to have "friends," learn lame cheers, pretend i feel good about myself, and live in a big house with 60 other girls, all of whom get visits from aunt flo on the same weekend.

but maybe i dont (or cant) understand because i have penis. if my makeup isnt perfect or if i cry because my ass looks big in these jeans, well, then that's likely not my biggest problem. also, i dont know if frats work the same way because i was only friends with a few frat guys, and i was not in a frat. again, i have a penis. plus, i can have fun without trying to get freshmen drunk and rape them.

but if you are/were greek, don't go crazy, i wont hold it against you. it's just not for me.


thanks to uconn, i dont have to kill myself tonight. i did almost have a heart attack though. saturday, march 25, 2006 will be a sweet sight indeed.

Friday, March 24, 2006

one in every crowd

if you'll remember, there was a tie in the sba elections in my school for vice president. well, since then, non-existent girl has sent out some emails about how passionate she is and blah blah blah. basically, all the worthless shit candidates say that no one believes. let's face it, the vp is useless, just like the real vp, and the only thing she'll do is put it on her resume.

well, some people got upset about the trash filling their inbox, so there has been a string of reply-all emails, extremely sarcastic and mocking in nature, some of them hilarious. only 1Ls and 2Ls vote for these elections, so someone suggested 3Ls be taken off the mailing list, to which a 3L responded that he would like to keep receiving the emails, as he likes to be informed. this led someone to nominate him, because "informed people make the best vps." there have also been nominations for chuck norris, and there is growing support for the aforementioned 3L, who allegedly roundhouse kicked chuck norris in the face because chuck norris failed to keep him informed. other anti-chuck norris campaigning has also surfaced, including the claim that "jack bauer named his cat chuck norris because its a pussy."

so, for a while i wasn't too unhappy with my inbox being filled with this nonsense, cuz it was at least humorous nonsense. enter the infamous law school douchebag:

Alright guys,

I got 30 messages at one time from people ranting about the "election", somehow deciding that the student body would care about their non-serious two cents, that should have just gone to their friends. Most of these messages concern things that I could give a crap about. If you want to campaign, do it seriously on your own time, preferrably in person, but don't clog up my box with messages you think are funny, approprtiately sent only to your own friends.

Sincerely, Adam D (1L)

i have several problems with this. first, shut your uptight 1L mouth. dont misunderstand me, 1Ls are allowed to have their opinions, but they are not permitted to share them via school-wide email unless they are a) hilarious or b) helpful. this is neither.

second, adam is an example of why people hate law students/lawyers. where is your fucking sense of humor? listen, i know you're struggling to grasp the concept of negligence, but that's no reason to go all male-pms on the rest of the student body. actually, i think a lack of sense of humor among lawyers is actually a horrible misconception. most have a good sense of humor because, come on, we pretty much have to. in this respect i'd argue adam is the horrible exception.

finally, if you're going to be a pretentious asshole, at least proofread your email prior to sending it to everyone. and spell check wouldnt hurt either. i mean, you're not going to be taken seriously anyway, but it would help a little. for example, i'm pretty sure you meant "Most of these messages concern things that I couldN'T give a crap about." yeah, that kind of changes the entire meaning, doesnt it? douchebag. but that's ok, not everyone can excel in legal writing...or basic grammar.

UPDATE: a second student joined adam's sentiments, naturally via schoolwide email. being the lover of irony that i am, i stepped up and responded to the challenge, of course using the schoolwide email list as my forum:

I find it ironic that those of you complaining about your inbox being filled up are nevertheless sending school-wide emails, as opposed to sending the complaints solely to those at whom they are directed.

I apologize for "filling up" everyone's inbox, and stealing an extra 2 minutes of your day. I hope you all still had time for lunch.


i realize that email is a bit tame for me. i strongly considered adding one of two things:
1) i had a sandwich on toasted rye. it was delicious.
2) dont feel the need to apologize to me though. i love irony almost as much as i love chocolate cake. and if you know me, then you know i'm a man who loves his chocolate cake.

ultimately, i decided against either of these additions in order to keep it short and sweet. however, if i'm further provoked, there's no telling what i might write.

UPDATE 2: i just received an email from a girl, basically implying i'm a hypocrite for not heeding my own advice. on the end, she added a snippy "just an idea." i feel bad for this girl. anyone with basic critical reading and analytical skills can plainly see that my email was directed only to those who are complaining (see "those of you complaining"). furthermore, my email at no point complains about receiving emails. as a non-complainer, my email is thus not applicable to myself. it's a wonder this girl hasnt failed out yet. i sent her an email back, explaining this, though i have my doubts that she'll be able to wrap her mind around such an advanced concept.

god, law students are so fucking lame.

UPDATE 3: the second student who joined adam was nice enough to reply to me personally. i have made my editorial comments within the text in red for simplicity's sake. have at it:

Thank you for letting me know this very obvious fact [Dicta]! [you're welcome] I meant my e-mail to go to everybody because random people were shooting over 30 messages a day and I simply neither have the time to investigate who were they in particular nor the desire to write them individual e-mails. [you investigate your emails? hardcore!] But I can see that you are doing well by sending the same message twice to everyone. [actually, just you, brainy mcbrainerson. i hit "reply all," which goes back to the sender (you), and cc's the email to everyone else (the all students list). and thank you, i am doing well.] And I can also see that the people still do not have the decency to stop the insane e-mail clogging - they use it even to correct the spelling of others. [well, adam kind of asked for it. if he wants to be taken seriously, maybe he should put the time and effort into spellcheck. and by "time and effort" i mean 2 seconds.] I am sure this is exactly what I want to see in my mail box. [then why all the complaining?!] Diana

i still think law students are so fucking lame.

rage and loathing in la casa

i dont know why i put so much faith in west virginia. yes i do. they're good. they had potential to win tonight. is it really too much to ask them to focus on basketball, and not fucking their cousins, just until the end of the tourney? i dont think it is.

and fucking gonzaga. adam morrison, you now need to shave your mustache. you are not worthy. not fucking worthy! gonzaga blew a 16 point lead! these days, the only other person blowing that much of anything is tom cruise.

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

google adsense

is about as useful as a castrated male prostitute, so i deleted it. in a month or so, i had only accumulated $3.76 from hosting ads. well, i'll tell you what. i'm not going to let people advertise on my site unless i'm making bank. google should stick to what it's good at--fast, easy porn searches.

american express is like a busted girl with good taste

they sweat my junk, but their applications are denied. actually, ALL applications are denied. i couldnt be happier with everything right now, particularly my girlfriend and my visa card.

but the fact is, i've gotten two letters from american express this week about how i'm pre-approved and blah blah blah. i have a visa, and it is everywhere i want to be. in fact, my bank even keeps increasing my credit limit, probably because i'm awesome. the only thing that would make me want to get an american express card is the fact that jerry seinfeld does the commercials. but that's not near enough. observe.

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

a vote for snickers

well, it's the first tuesday after the third monday in march, so you know what that means: sba elections of course! for the past week or two, all kinds of posters have been hung in the law school and numerous fliers temporarily placed in our mail folders en route to their final destination, the trash receptacles. only a week or so of campaigning is necessary, because lets face it, once you get elected it's smooth sailing.

the most interesting race became that for sba vice president. there were three candidates. two were girls i'd never heard of, and the third a well dressed guy who sits towards the front in a number of my classes and at least looks the part. early advantage: class guy (as a bonus, i've seen him wear flip flops on occasion).

like any good candidate, many running for office attempted to buy votes. preying on the weariness and weakness of fellow classmates, they put candy in our mail folders, on tables in the lobby, and brought some to class.

as i walked into sales today, there were a couple nerdy kids up front who didnt belong. they were handing out ballots. i wasnt sure i was going to vote prior to this, as 1) it would require effort and 2) being a transfer here, i still didnt know a lot of the candidates for most of the offices. but when i was handed a ballot in stride, i decided to try my hand at voting.

for most of the offices, i checked people i recognized or had class with, or i checked the only person running. then came the decision, vice president. hmmmm. as it happened, one of the girls i didnt know had left candy in my mail folder, and had even bothered to write my name on the paper. how personal. a nice touch. good candy too. then, she had put more in the lobby this morning for people to grab on the way to class. another point for her. so it was close, two points for her, and two for the guy (well dressed/looked like he'd do a good job, and was in a bunch of classes/familiar). i wrote off the third girl, as i wasnt even sure she existed. ultimately, i voted for the guy. he gave us candy at the beginning of sales. all else being even, the last one to supply the sugar wins.

there has probably never been a more important snickers bar in the history of the mars company. as it turned out, he and the girl i never thought existed tied for vp. without that snickers, i would have thrown my vote away on candy girl, and they both would have lost.

so, now there's the race for the runoff. it's time to step up the bidding. let's see what you suckas got!

human nature

today i am in a not so good mood, for some reason that totally escapes me. normally, conversations implying that i get peanut butter licked off my goods would be enough to cheer me up (even if these claims are baseless, and rooted in a deep jealousy of my staunch record of masculinity and heterosexuality), but that only got me part of the way today. so i thought i would write, since i find it therapeutic. at first i was going to just unjustifiably rant about things that i thought were stupid, whether they deserved it or not (but trust me, some definitely deserved it). but then i thought wwrd (what would retards do), and that led me here.

not feeling like talking to the majority, i erected (i'm all man) the following away message on AIM:
stuff to do. dont im me unless you're [girlfriend], [other friend], or my sister. otherwise, i'll just assume you're retarded. and you know what we do with retards...we photoshop them into hilarious pictures with ridiculous captions, such as this one.
well, almost instantanously, retard #1 (let's call her angela*) struck, with the following message:
a) i do what i want. b) thats not cool [dicta].
i have several things to say about this. first, angela needs to stop talking like i do. angela and her old roommates are commonly known to copy the vernacular of others and pass it off on their own. i am certainly not claiming the rights to "i do what i want," as i believe it's from an old south park. but i'd only heard a select few use this phrase prior to my using it 300 times a day...which i still do.

second, why is it that when something instructs people to do or not do one thing, they immediately feel compelled to do the opposite? oooooh, my away said not to im me and you did! you fuckin rebel! bitch please.

third, why is it everyone feels the need to let people know when they disapprove of something? stop trying to be my moral leader! my joke, and yes it is a joke, is not hurting anyone. besides, even if a retard saw it, they wouldnt understand it!!

finally, i guess i should probably qualify this post by saying that i have nothing against the retarded. and i refuse to use the term "mentally handicapped" except in this sentence to explain myself. everyone's so oversensitive about everything today, it makes me sick. but i'm no hypocrite. feel free to call me cracker, or hetero.

because when you boil it all down, i like to think of my blog as if it were the government, church, or the army: it's a wide open forum for political incorrectness.

*names have not been changed to protect the retarded

that was awesome

so i'm sitting in professional responsibility right now, and i had just about had my fill, and for once, it had nothing to do with the class. not one, but two cell phones have already gone off, playing whatever tacky ringtones people had downloaded. one phone goes off, ok, you forgot to turn it off/to silent. that's ok now and then. but after one phone goes off, and everyone hears it, dont you think it might be wise to check your own? maybe it's just me.

but now, the awesome part. i'm just sitting here, reading blogs, when i hear my professor sharply ask "what's so funny??" he's staring at some girl in the second row. she says, "me?" all innocently as if she doesnt know what's going on. i can clearly see that she's on the internet (as everyone with a computer is), and was laughing at whatever was on the screen. so she denied it, and my professor looks her in the eye and just says "you're lying to me. i flat out don't believe you." he was right, of course, and it was hilarious. almost made it worth coming to this class today. almost.

Monday, March 20, 2006

again with the fruit (insert tom cruise joke here)

oh, tom i just went grocery shopping, which of course means i have something to talk about. again, deciding to be somewhat healthy, i looked to buy a container of strawberries. but yet again, they were all rotting, smushed, and gross. there was one good pack, but there was also a feather inside it on one of the strawberries. thanks, but no thanks. and i know i know, strawberries are "out of season." my response is this: if they're out of season, then dont buy them and try to sell them to me. if you put it on the shelf, then i can complain about it. like that one time, when my whiskey (found on the shelf) was contaminated:

but it wasnt a total loss. i found this slow churned, rich and creamy, cherry chocolate chip ice cream. other than my lactose intolerance, i think i'll enjoy it. dicta does not tolerate lactose!

and speaking of fruit, i just saw the most hilarious commercial for the sylvan learning center. the scene is a group of boys sitting in a circle, as one reads a book. the reader in the commercial then proudly proclaims, "i used to be afraid to read out loud in class, but now i read to all the guys!" hmmm, a bunch of guys sitting around at a sleepover reading books to each other. dr phil would be proud, but then again, he's an ass.

motivational monday

Saturday, March 18, 2006

as president eisenhower said in his farewell address, "see ya suckers"

this is fantastic. you might really like your significant other, but they are still not the best. my girlfriend is superior to anyone you have ever, are, or will ever date(d, ing--apply proper suffix if/as necessary). she called me up a couple hours ago and said that she made the impromtu decision tonight to come down and visit me for the weekend!

moral of the story: smell you later...namely monday, for some motivation.

Friday, March 17, 2006

madness...or reality?

in athletics, as in life, the midwest is a gigantic letdown. iowa, upset by #14 northwestern state. not even northwestern, which would've been bad enough. no, northwestern state is not the northwestern in chicago, its in bumfuck louisiana. moving on...#6 michigan state, losing to george mason. see ya elite 8 team. worthless bastards. next, oklahoma loses to wisconsin-milwaukee. wtf. to top it off, wisconsin, though not favored, lost to arizona. and lost is being generous, they got killed. northern iowa loses to georgetown, marquette loses to alabama, southern illinois to west virginia, and if you want to count ohio in the midwest, well then there goes xavier and kent state.

if the midwest were a fetus, there would be no debate...ABORT!

UPDATE: you can add kansas to the list of the extremely worthless (for the 2nd year in a row, nonetheless). i guess the intelligent designer can't watch over both the in-the-classroom activities and the extracurriculars.

just because today is march 17 and you're actually irish, that doesn't make it ok

this morning as i was sleepwalking thru the law school lobby to my 1030 class, i was suddenly smacked in the face. mainly, the nose. this 1L, who looks not at all unlike the sherminator, was wearing what seemed to be an entire bottle of cologne. now don't get me wrong, dicta appreciates a nice cologne, and even wears one. let's face it, dicta always smells amazing. but dicta also knows that the bottle only releases a little bit on each spray for a reason.

now, just because you are flagrantly irish, and today is st. patrick's day, it does not give you license to be any more ridiculous than you are on any other day (unless, of course, you're drunk). perhaps sherminator, jr was trying to lure in the opposite sex and rack up his kiss count. i dont know. but either way, i shouldnt be able to smell you from across a wide open, well ventilated lobby. when it comes to cologne, moderation is the key to good taste (or perhaps i should say, smell).

you've been targeted for shermination. come with me if you want to live.

Thursday, March 16, 2006

the apocalypse

this evening, while driving to school for VITA, i saw a kid with baggy jeans, an askew baseball cap, an earring, a long t-shirt, an ipod, and a FANNY PACK. don't forget your...flashlight?

it's the (2nd) most wonderful time of the year

admittedly, a close second behind the world series. the thing with the ncaa tourney is so many more teams and so many more post season games. and admittedly, my team is usually in the tourney, so that helps too. also it's a gorgeous day out today, and my girlfriend is freakin sweet. good day. that's all.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

our racist country

why is it that if you go someplace and order a "regular coffee" you usually get cream and sugar? regular means customary or usual. and if you say "regular coffee," then regular is modifying the word coffee. and i'm pretty sure coffee, in its natural state, does not have cream and sugar in it. granted, perhaps the most popular way to drink coffee includes cream and sugar. well, if that's what people want, they should have to say that. stop being counterintuitive!

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

professional responsibility

when i turned my alarm off this morning, i almost went back to bed. i should have. i got up, showered, got dressed, ate, packed my bag, and headed off to school only to find my professional responsibility class was cancelled due to my professor's illness. if you ask me, the responsible (or at least curteous) thing to have done would have been to send an email, so i didnt have to drag my ass to school only to read a sign on the classroom door. some professors even have a secretary send a school-wide email, which would have been fine.

that's really all, so i'm just gonna go make lunch now, and possibly cut myself so i have a valid excuse for missing sales later.

Monday, March 13, 2006


well, i was reading trusts and estates, and came across the terry schiavo case. i thought it would be remiss of me if i didnt post some old, but good, terry schiavo jokes, as well as link to her blog.

1) what is jeb bush's favorite vegetable? terry schiavo

2) Q: What's 6 inches long and goes dead in your hand?
A: The new Terri Schiavo action figure.

3) whats the difference between the pope and terri schiavo? the pope has a feeding tube

4) Why do Terri’s parents love her so much? Because she’s such a good listener.

5) What's the difference between Terri Schiavo and a Chia Pet? Nobody gets upset if you stop watering the Chia.

6) Q: Did you hear MTV is making a show about Terri?
A: It’s called Unplugged.

7) how does terry schiavo use the bathroom? depends.

motivational monday

Sunday, March 12, 2006

spring break

if you're on it this week, you can kiss my ass. yes, i realize i just had my spring break, but that's completely beside the point. i used most of my break to catch up on work, and basically i need another break. this semester is just flat out kicking my ass, and therefore i have license to hate anyone on break this week.

anyone watching the world baseball classic? i wasnt that excited about it, but i like it more than i thought. but it might just be cuz i love baseball so i'm happy its back. spring training has been exciting too.

ugh. thats all i got. this post sucks.

Friday, March 10, 2006

advise me dear readers, hypothetically

so i have this situation i would like some input on, if you readers will indulge me. say, hypothetically, that i got a text message this morning at 930. let's leave aside the fact for now that 930am is too early to send someone a text on their spring break. i was a little bewildered at first, cuz the name came up as "[friend's] ho" as i never put her real name into my phone. let's say this is hypothetically a friend's girlfriend.

now, assume i havent talked to said ho in a long time. she never (hypothetically) leaves messages via text, email, im to just say hi or chat or anything like that. also assume there's no indiciation that she has ever thought very highly of me. evidence includes but is not limited to calling every time (sometimes more than once) i am out with my friend, and telling me (after i made a golf joke) that i'm "not getting anywhere near [her] sister." i've seen pictures of her sister. not interested, and i dont know why she thought i ever was.

so hypothetically, the text says that she's applying for a position in my high school's school system. it then asks me, hypothetically, to put in a good word for her with my father, who may or may not be in a high position on the school board.

i'm wavering on what to do. you may think i dont care for her that much.* if i were to hypothetically put a good word in, it might benefit my friend as well. an employed girlfriend is a less bitchy girlfriend. in this case, hypothetically, lets say that would be a change. so what would you tell me to do if this were a real situation? is there any ethical obligation on my part to say something? should i go with my gut feeling? or should she automatically be disqualified on the technicality of texting me at 930am and not being my girlfriend (the only permissible a.m. texts)? thanks, dear reader.

*any such notion is solely inferred by the reader, and cannot be conclusively drawn from this post.

UPDATE: i retract the statement regarding her never messaging me on AIM. she sent me an im to see if i got the message. oh, dont worry, i got the message.

Thursday, March 09, 2006


well, i really dont feel like doing work, and i havent done this in a while, so its about time to take some cheap shots at some people in the news.

1) the blind leading the blind

2) i dont get this. if you're so religious, and god is the greatest whatever, shouldnt that trump eating corned beef on st. patricks day, even if its on a friday during lent? i mean, if you can just change the rules to do what you want (e.g. abstain from meat on sat, the 18th instead), how does that differ from my religion where i just do what i want?

3) p.i.t. (priest in training)

4) is giuliani running san fran now?

5) oh, the foolproof jury system. and let me ask, would it really have been better if he was 105?

6) just read the first line of the story. man, those des moines police are sharp!

7) i dont see any problem with this (and not just cuz i also see bush as hitler, jr.). i mean, look at most high school graduates who "learned" the basic curriculum. i think we can all agree it wouldnt hurt to have them challenged to think critically. then again, the world needs robotic obedient ditchdiggers too.

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

furry blonde lobster?

ok, but does the carpet match the curtains?

speaking of capital punishment

i was just at the grocery store. things were going fine, great even, but then i went down isle 5 to get some iced tea. about two-thirds of the way down the isle stood 3 older women, two of whom were making the infinitely difficult decision of which juice to buy. each of the 3 had their own shopping cart. one was probably in her 50s, one in her 60s, and one in her 70s. despite having their own carts, the 50-something and 70-something appeared to be together.

clearly, the 3 were obstructing the entire isle. at first, i stood politely and waited. then, i said "excuse me." it was at this point that the 60-something noticed me, and moved aside so i could pass. the other ladies remained in conversation. then, it happened. the 50-something woman was kind of facing me, and mid-conversation, she glanced up at me, then went back to the older woman like nothing ever happened. she saw me. she knew i was trying to pass. so what did that slut do? she didnt move, didn't alert the older woman to my presence, didnt do anything except go back to talking about her fucking juice.

sometimes people ask me why i talk like i hate people. this is why. i am adamantly opposed to hitting women, but if this slut was within arms reach, she would've taken a right hook to the face. if this woman committed a capital crime, and i was on the jury, i would give her the chair. of course, her ass is probably to fat for the standard model (i kid you not). so listen lady, i dont know if you're just bitter or you think drinking juice will shrink your ass or what, but if someone needs to get by, and is being polite, you fucking move. that's just what people do. unfortunately, the more i shop, the more i realize that this woman is by no means unique.

rude people piss me off. even if i dont like you, i'll be nice, until you give me reason not to. people need to grow up.

capital punishment, yes; capitalization, NO

as i'm sure you've noticed, unless you're retarded, i dont capitalize. i was thinking about capitalization this morning, and why we do it. and by we i mean you. so, for a solid answer, i did what any reasonable man would have done--i asked jeeves.

i should have realized my error earlier. jeeves was useless. why did i think i would get an intelligent answer from a goddamned internet butler who cant even clean up my desktop? for shame, jeeves, for shame. maybe the reasonable man isn't as smart as i thought. well, he's clearly not, as reasonableness is just a minimum requirement.

so i did a little more investigating into the origin of capitalization. but all anyone wants to tell me is when or what to capitalize, but not why we capitalize. and ok, people, i get it! germans capitalize all their nouns. god, let it go.

so i've come to a conclusion: capitalization is just another example of a useless, extravagant societal conformity, which makes this rather ironic. let's face it, capitalization is pointless. do you not understand what i mean if i write wednesday instead of Wednesday? if you don't, you're even more retarded than i thought. and dont give me the old respect answer, cuz if you're offended by a lack of capitalization then you have some issues that need to be dealt with asap. the answer that makes the most sense to me is that people capitalize for aesthetic reasons. but, that seems to be a matter of personal preference, and i highly doubt that most people consciously think about that whenever they write something. capitalization is automatic for most people.

i find it kind of funny really. today, the trend seems to be towards efficiency. with wireless internet connections, cell phones, and blackberries, people can be reached anywhere by virtually anyone. think of all the time i save by not running my little finger down to the shift key every time i use a "proper noun." i mean, the time i've saved when talking about catholic priests alone is huge. that's like a full extra hour of fantasizing about your mom.

e.e. cummings knew what was going on!

big fuzzy balls

a recent visitor from allentown, new jersey found me by googling "boots with fuzzy balls." my guess is they were looking to purchase. well, i'm sure they came across my relevant post, and i hope when they did they got ashamed. real ashamed. or maybe you like being ridiculous.

and that reminds me: jersey girls arent trash. trash gets picked up.

oh, snap!

Monday, March 06, 2006

this post is great...for me to poop on!

last night i had an experience which changed my life--i watched the "best of triumph the insult comic dog" on tv. so clearly, the first thing i did when i woke up this morning (afternoon) was go to amazon and purchase it. keep in mind that it's much better on the actual dvd, but here are some quotes to give you a little taste of the splendor.

[to pregnant star wars fan] "Oh, is this a little Jedi? Your boy's due in two months? That'll be the last time he ever sees female genitalia!"

[to star wars fans] "Um, I've got some spoilers. Who wants to hear a spoiler? Here's a spoiler: You will die alone."

[referring to simon cowell] "I always wondered what would happen if you blow-dried the "Weakest Link" chick and cut off her nuts."

"I think Eminem should relax a little. I mean, my mom's a bitch too, but I don't sing songs about it. "

[from his visit to quebec] "Pardon me, my French is not good. I only speak common phrases like 'I surrender'."

[on hollywood squares, when asked on the show which breed of dog is the heaviest] "That's the Lhasa-Oprah. I'm pretty sure. It's either that or the Roker-Spaniel."

motivational monday

Sunday, March 05, 2006

oscar the grouch

did you watch all/part/any of the oscars tonight? if so, why? as it stands, it's 747pm here, and sadly, girlfriend is gone. i plan on watching some of the oscars. however, i dont know who/what's nominated, i barely know what its about. all i know is i'm watching solely due to the fact that jon stewart is the host. also, i'd bet that sadielady's probably watching, perched at the edge of her couch in the hopes that they slip a clip of some man-on-man lovin into the show.

choosing jon stewart as host was probably the best move the academy ever made. i would venture to guess that viewing will be up at least 15% from what it otherwise would have been. however, if jon stewart doesnt get enough air time for my liking, i'm switching the channels. plus, there's a new iron chef on the food network at 9, so i got that goin for me.

834 update: i hate when all the winners thank everybody and their mothers. this is not mtv, cut with the shoutouts. oh fuck, dolly parton. time to go double van gogh on myself.

913 update: some of these speakers are a bit long winded for my taste. get on with it, old bitch!

926 update: j-lo looks so terrible. i dont know what i expected. she's always looked terrible. who let her in anyway? i guess the academy is getting a little more liberal with its "no fat bitches" policy.

958 update: jake gyllenhaal just laughed at his own joke, presumably because it was as gay as his character.

1007 update: watching lily tomlin and meryl streep was the last straw. these shitty things in between award presentations need to die, and no one besides jon stewart should be allowed to speak. goddamn oscars. if fox didnt puss out and show bad boys 2 instead of simpsons/family guy, etc, i wouldnt have had to endure these first 2 hours.

1010 update: "the real reward is the process of doing it, and the people you're doing it with" --some old guy with loose skin, and undoubtedly, old balls. his unintended humor was far better than lots of the scripted crap.

1031 update: i see dead people

1103 update: reese witherspoon needs an immodium suppository for her verbal diarrhea

and finally, 1124 update: "crash" bends over "brokeback mountain" and makes brokeback its bitch in the best motion picture category. both parties are happy. brokeback smokes cigarette, goes home.

3.5 hours poorly spent

Saturday, March 04, 2006


on girlfriend hiatus. it's fuckin awesome. see you for motivational monday, readers.

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

forecast for tomorrow: retarded

ok, i hate meteorology/meteorologists. if you dont know that, where have you been? to prove a point, i've been checking this week. by this week i mean yesterday and today. this little experiment only confirmed my hate for weather forecasts and general disrespect towards the profession of meteorology.

yesterday, the thursday forecast was 53 degrees with a 70% chance of precipitation. today, the forecast for thursday is 38 degrees and 100% chance of precipitation. i know they study the "weather patterns" and such to predict precipitation, but a 30% difference seems kinda crazy. and let me ask you, how can the forecast change 15 degrees in a day? what was so different today than yesterday?

well, i'll give you an answer. meteorology is bullshit. they put all their nice looking maps up on the screen, and act like they know what's going to happen. but they dont. meteorology is not a science. a meteorologist is nothing more than a person who can coordinate movement well in front of a green screen. it's like a game, because most meteorologists probably dont have minds that are much more advanced than your average 6 year old.

let's examine some similarities. kids like coloring, but cant stay inside the lines. weathermen also enjoy using color in random, nonsensical schemes. also like children, meteorologists are able to use their imagination at their "job." they can pretty much say whatever comes to mind, and adoring onlookers will think its so cute. finally, neither can make up their mind. kids really want that matchbox racing set, that is, until they see the remote control car. likewise, meteorologist think it will be sunny and in the 90s, but the next day predict snow.

so let's face it, meteorologists are nothing more than children. it reminds me of an old saying...give a meteorologist a fish, and you feed him for a day. teach a meteorologist how to use a clicker and green screen, and he will fraudulently bullshit his way into a salary.

hey, what's that on your face?

so it's ash wednesday. despite the fact that both the daily calendar on my desk, and the calendar on the wall above my desk mention this, i was oblivious until someone came into my 9am class with ash on their forehead. well, if my obliviousness counts for anything i guess you could say i'm being a good athiest. so that's comforting.

sometimes i like to join in on the spirit of religious holidays. christmas is an example. i enjoy time off from school/work, and time to catch up with family and friends, including those you haven't seen in a while. so i was thinking, maybe i'll participate in lent. nothing so drastic as not eating meat on fridays (i mean, please people. if god didnt want me eating burgers on fridays he would've given them invulnerability every week.), but a little something.

so, for lent, i'm giving up "not being awesome." well, it looks like i'm done. i really got a jump on it this year. yours is going to take you 40 days? slacker.