Confessions of a Litigious Mind

The random, irrelevant musings of a law school graduate.

Saturday, September 29, 2007


Friday, September 28, 2007

AL EAST CHAMPS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


why i should always carry my camera

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

how future law students get dates


Sunday, September 23, 2007

i am sofa king we todd it

say it three times. got it? good.

you might not be, but according to some commercial i saw the other day 1 in 150 kids will be diagnosed with some form of autism. that is retarded.

the problem largely stems from the fact that a new form of autism emerges almost weekly, many of them being complete bullshit (see aspergers, aka my kid can't make friends). i understand that science is constantly making new discoveries, but pretty soon we will be able to scientifically justify every personality quirk that exists.

yes, some forms of autism are real. but some are complete fabrications to justify random eccentricities of weird kids. pretty soon, every "normal" kid is going to be exactly the same because any kid that doesn't have lots of friends or any other attributes that the present society deems desirable is going to be autistic. i don't know about you, but to me this sounds a lot like behavioral aryanism without the genocide. hitler would be proud.

"coffee, hitler? i'll be sure to put lots of cream in that for you."

Friday, September 21, 2007

they must be joking

i went to the interview i had rescheduled for yesterday. the job seemed ok based on the tasks i would perform as compared to the experience that i wanted and all. it would include some irregular hours, but i figured this would be ok since it was at least in the right area, plus sometimes dominique picks up a saturday shift and takes a couple night classes, so i figured it could largely overlap with that stuff.

then came some disappointment--they could only offer me part time right now, which would be between 12 and 30 hours per week. i figured this would be ok for experience, especially if it was closer to the 30. but that wasn't even the big blow. the pay: $7.50/hr. i looked at her like she was joking, because i half expected that she was. i laughed, and she could sense my disbelief (minimum wage where i live is now $7.40).

so now i have to decide what to do. i told her i'd give her an answer by next friday. she winced when i said that and warned me that she can't hold the job for me if someone else comes along. ooooooh, ohhh no!! the job has been open for 3 weeks and they havent filled it, and at a dime above minimum wage i doubt they will anytime soon. luckily, i have a second interview somewhere else on monday. and i'm waiting on a call from a recruiter at a third place. so this offer (if you can even call it that) is last last last resort, and might not even be accepted as such. i could make more money at the casino, or selling lemonade on the sidewalk. fuck that.


also, i'm just posting this quickly because i'm sick of seeing the exact same articles about it on every single day. i don't know why people in the deep south still pretend that racism isn't very prevalent there, because it is. maybe more would be accomplished by action than is by denial. things like education. then again, they don't like them book things very much. if you don't believe me, check out louisiana's profile. or this. i don't put a ton of confidence in the exact numbers, but the relativity is at least interesting.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007


happy birthday dominique! arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

killing me incompetently

i had an interview today. it was the first one in a little bit, so i went all out. i got a haircut yesterday, i brushed up on some of the things i might need to know, i showered, and put on a nice suit.

the interview was originally scheduled for friday, but when i called in to confirm (and it was a good thing i did) i was told the woman who would interview me was on vacation last week and wouldn't be in until 1pm today. so i said ok, how about 2? ok, you're all set for 2pm on tuesday. great. thanks. great.

i hadn't been to this particular place before, so i set aside a little extra time to get there today. things went fine, and i got there about 15 minutes early. perfect. i walk into the hr office and the woman greets me and says, "hi, are you caesar?"

now friends, gather a mental picture of me. strangers, look at my south park avatar thing of me (it's dead on). do i look like a fucking caesar to any of you?

i explain who i am, and it quickly becomes apparent that she hasn't even heard of me, let alone seen my application. she didn't know for which position i was interviewing. i explain how i talked to someone and set up this appointment time and blah blah blah. she apologizes and says that she cannot interview me today because she already has 3 other interviews scheduled for 2pm today (none of whom were there by the way, so i'm curious as to how her priority system works) and how she just got back from vacation and blah blah blah. then she makes a joke about how if i'm hired i won't schedule appointments for her the day after she gets back from vacation. excuse me if i don't find it amusing.

despite the fact that i'm completely turned off towards working for this company, i rescheduled the interview for thursday. part of me is curious about the job, part of me feels a sense of urgency, and part of me knows that this is a stupid reason to not interview there (here's where the whole struggle between the don't-work-for-a-place-you'll-hate camp and the beggars-can't-be-choosers camp exists. so i'm headed back there for 2pm on thursday. again, right in the middle of the day. they better not fuck up an entire 2 days of mine this week for nothing. although, based on the "help" they have now, it seems i'd be able to do a better job with one chromosome tied behind my back.

taco tuesday

Monday, September 17, 2007

dicta the humanitarian

today i went to the mall to buy drugs. i didn't end up getting any, but i had a brilliant idea while i was there.

i walked past the food court and couldn't help but notice the heaping portions of food that even the fatties there couldn't finish. what a waste! so here's what i propose:

you know the smoking zones in airports that are like giant glass cages where people can get together and die a little more quickly without harming the rest of us? i think we should build those for homeless people at mall food courts. really, it's a wonderful idea.

first, the enclosed cage keeps the stench of the street out of the noses of the paying diners. second, much of the extra food doesn't go to waste. and finally, it's a sure-fire way for homeless people to get hot, hearty meals for free. instead of optimistically donating a dollar for food that really goes to booze, you can give them real food.

the only detail i haven't yet worked out is figuring out how to decide which meals goes to which homeless person. one idea that seems kind of fair is to let the paying customer decide who to give their food to. or maybe the skinniest homeless persons get food first and the fat ones last. a wrinkle in the latter idea would be to hold an nba-style lottery so that maybe the 5 or 6 skinniest have an extra shot at receiving the first portion. let's just hope there aren't any homeless migrants from oregon, though. they'll probably fuck up the first pick and choose the food with e coli or something.

Sunday, September 16, 2007

and now you can all shut the hell up

every time i turned the tv on this past week all i heard was shit about the patriots. ignoring the fact that many commentators throughout the week mentioned how many other teams likely did the same or similar things, everyone tried to invalidate all of the patriots' accomplishments during the belichick era. yeah, that's why everyone lost to the pats, because they cheated on every play of every game ever. some people said what they did wouldn't translate into a lot of practical help, others disagreed. the chargers, especially lt, put their two cents in.

well, tonight the pats gave everyone a huge (and much deserved) fuck you.

aren't the chargers supposed to be good? all i hear is how they'll make it deep into the playoffs and maybe to the superbowl. lt is the league mvp, blah blah blah. lt is on my fantasy team since i had the #1 pick in the draft. i hate lt and never would've picked him except that i'm expected to. and he's been a huge letdown thru the first 2 games. tonight the pats held him to 43 yards on 18 carries. oooooh, i'm so impressed. the chargers looked like a shitty high school team tonight, despite ridiculous precautions such as 1) not giving players the first 15 plays until this morning (as opposed to last night), 2) giving the plays orally instead of the usual written manner, 3) locking up any and all written info, and 4) not letting any stadium workers into the san diego lockerroom. yeah, that all made a huuuuuge difference. way to not look like a bunch of assclowns.

maybe now we can stop talking about this shit every minute of everyday, because it's clear that new england fans aren't giving up on the pats/belichick, and they never will. and if you still don't believe that the patriots are that good, keep watching.

Friday, September 14, 2007

i got a job for you...RIGHT HERE

so i'm still applying to jobs. it pretty much sucks, but that's life (well that, cooking, poker, and golf).

i got a call the other day from a bank. the woman was calling me about a specific job i had applied for. naturally, i was not qualified for this job. apparently it requires knowledge of several computer programs with which i am in no way familiar. i told the woman that i was perfectly willing (and able based on my qualifications) to learn said programs, to which she said she was sorry but was afraid i'm not qualified. which is technically true, though i'm not sure they're really thinking efficiently. when she called, the woman let it slip that they've been trying to fill this position for the past 6 months. well fuck, i can learn that shit in way fewer than 6, and if they're calling people like me then it sure doesn't seem like they'll fill that position anytime soon.

still, my favorite part of the brief conversation was towards the beginning. the woman told me who she was and that she was from the bank, and i asked which specific job it was for because i had applied to several. that's when she said it. "uhhhh, yeah...i, um, notice you applied to 38 jobs with us yesterday...umm....."

that's right bitches, i apply to 38 jobs/day! probably closer to 41 or 42 if you count applications with other companies. hardcore. that's how i roll!

i also got a call from an insurance company who wants to interview me for a claims adjuster position. i actually think this could be a good fit for me. i generally dislike other people, so it might be fun telling them how much damage they did to their car when they thought they could talk on their cell phone and deep throat their morning banana all while they attempt a rush hour lane change. people usually rubberneck at accidents, and i'd get to hang around. i'm sure when people saw me they would be in awe of my sheer handsomeness, which would lead them to lose attention, rear end the car in front of them, and give my employer company even more business. it's beautiful when something comes full circle like that. i just might accept the offer to interview.

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oh pennsylvania

full of geniuses

Sunday, September 09, 2007

nfl opening day

technically i suppose it was thursday, but let's face it, no one gives a shit about either the colts or the saints.


Friday, September 07, 2007

maybe my favorite video ever

i think i might've posted this one before, but it's definitely worth another look

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

fantasy football

we did a live draft last night, and here's what i came up with. i think it's ok, at least for now. once we got to the 8th or 9th round i didnt know many names left, though i have heard of everyone on my team. i enjoy football and cheer for the patriots, but i'm doing this because talking shit with friends is fun and also it'll maybe give me more interest in some of the games/players i otherwise wouldn't care about. anyway, here's the team.

tom brady (naturally)
matt hasselbeck
alex smith

ladainian tomlinson
reuben droughns
thomas jones
fred taylor

benjamin watson

matt jones
derrick mason
plaxico burress
marques colston

adam vinatieri (even though he's a traitor)

new england

Monday, September 03, 2007

it seems to be that time of year again

what's the difference between princess di and the cleveland browns?

the browns make it out of the tunnel before they crash and burn.

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