Confessions of a Litigious Mind

The random, irrelevant musings of a law school graduate.

Saturday, December 31, 2005

who's the boss? team danza, that's who!

Friday, December 30, 2005

fatty mcchubs

this was originally going to be a rant, but it's late and i'm in a good mood. so now it is a list of rules. fat people are prevalent in american society, so i think there should be rules facilitate their coexistence with those less triglyceridically challenged.* here they are, in no special order:

1) know your girth. if a walkway is wide, feel free to use it all. i dont enjoy being hit with excess arm/belly/back fat as you walk by. and if you do hit me, your obvious fatness is no excuse for not apologizing or saying "excuse me."

2) dont idolize jared the subway guy for losing all that weight, unless your ultimate goal is also to be skinny, ugly, and annoying.

3) if you eat fast/unhealthy food, dont complain about your weight. i will be very unsympathetic to your cause if you ask me to join your pity party in between your triple quarter pounder with extra bacon and your whopper. my sympathy is something that isnt made "your way"

4) dont let your kids get fat too. just cuz you've ruined your own body, dont bring your kids down with you. besides, the refridgerator can only hold so much food.

5) finally, hire a personal assistant to bathe you if necessary. just because you cant reach all the skin does not mean its ok to not wash there. there's nothing worse than not being able to pass someone in a hallway and being disgusted by their unescapable odor. please dont put us thru that.

*this idea may or may not have arisen from incidents occuring earlier tonight at the casino. did it really? probably not. but probably.

Thursday, December 29, 2005

warning: sexiness factor of 10

this is just a sneak peek of debauchery. more to come later. now go change your pants.

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

i just shot an 81. feel free to call me god.

even god cant hit a 1-iron...which is why i hit the 2. and i also broke out the driver today. it would prove to be a good decision. it was a crisp 45 degrees out today. i woke up cuz my dog was nosing my arm, and my dad was standing in my room. he asked me if i wanted to golf today. at first i was confused, but the snow melted due to the rain the other day, and the last couple of days have been precipitation free. well, i was going to do some of the 399420395 pages of reading i have for VITA (emphasis on VOLUNTEER, christ), but this sounds much better.

i hadnt played in a month and a half, and it showed as i started the day with a double bogey. but then i turned it around. i parred 6 holes on the front, including holes 5-9. i started the back even worse, with 2 double bogeys. but, i birdied the last 3 holes to shoot a 40 on the back. god [dicta] i'm awesome.


in other news, i was coming home from a friend's house last night, and i saw a deer in the street. well, as anyone who lives around deer knows, where there's one, there are more. so naturally, i stopped, and the second deer walked by. then, as i'm about to start moving again, BAM, my car shakes. the third fucker ran right into the side of my stopped car, face first. i didnt get out to check on him cuz quite frankly, i dont give a shit. deer are ugly, tick-ridden, disease-infested, overpopulated garden grazers. in retrospect, i probably should have stopped, if only to get out and punch him in the face. some of his fur got caught under my rear passenger side doorhandle, and i am leaving it there as a message to other deer: fuck with me and you will not only be ugly, but also bald.


i'm going to the casino with my family tomorrow night. i play roulette. got any lucky numbers? but be advised: if i play your number(s) and lose money, i will punch you in the face.

Friday, December 23, 2005

in a word, fantastic

i returned home from debauchery approximately 2 hours ago, tired yet rejuvenated. exactly what one needs after 4 months of casebooks, briefs, and general high school like childishness. nothing replenishes both mind and body more than 50 or so hours of good friends, lots of booze, not much sleep, spooning, and thongs. plus, i got a kiss from joan, and i have an amazing t-shirt and a beer glass as souveneirs.

big ups to buggs the hostess, smuggs, npl, and forker for a fantastic week.

a few of the many notable quotes:
"mapquest OUT"

"a spoonful of debbie helps the [utensil-er] go down"

"would you still be my friend if i dutch oven you?"

"my box is stinking up the car"

"cheers to chicken wings!"

"pink debbie tastes gross"

"my boobs are out! again!"

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

after the party it's the HOtel lobby

tomorrow begins debauchery. if you dont know, then you dont know. however, being the kindly sir i am, i will give a brief preview.

debauchery can be defined as
1. Extreme indulgence in sensual pleasures; dissipation
2. Seduction from morality, allegiance, or duty.
3. A wild gathering involving excessive drinking, promiscuity, and spooning. (smuggs, 14 deb 69, 2005.)

focus on #3. add thongs, and a possible trip into big city. mix well. no need to preheat oven, as it will be hot on its own.


in other news, it's good to be at the parents' house for break. sister flew in from opposite coast sunday night. thus far, my accomplishments include watching a month's worth of tv in 3 days, and yes, i got all my xmas shopping done already! should this impress you, know i only have to shop for 3 people. make that had to shop. hoohah!

the first weekend was uneventful overall. the funniest thing happened today though. i turned out of my driveway to mail some bills at the post office, and i see a school bus two houses down. shit. i'm gonna be stuck behind that thing the whole way down. but the bus isnt moving. the kid is just standing on the steps in the doorway. but then it happens. he steps down off the bus, and starts running up the driveway. finally, the bus will move again. not 3 steps up the driveway the kid slips on ice, and totally faceplants. let me tell you, it was HILARIOUS.

that kicked off the happiness for the rest of the day.

Friday, December 16, 2005

50% lawyer, 100% man

well, upon the completion of the ass raping that was my evidence exam today, it became official, i'm halfway thru law school. i was going to write a big, long, sarcastic post about what i'd learned in the past year and a half, but then i realized that was little to nothing. i dont remember the rule against perpetuities, i can barely sketch out a negligence argument, and i have no clue what hearsay is, and my evidence exam was today. but i dont feel bad about this cuz everyone knows that your writing and analytical skills are whats important, whereas the substantive law will fade, and you'll always be able to bring it back when you need it.

if this post seems random, poorly written, and not well thought out, that's because it is. but my brain is fried, i'm listening to music, and i'm watching "dont tell mom the babysitter's dead." wanna fight about it?

as much work as its all been, the time has gone by quickly. getting one year done was nice, but halfway feels like a real accomplishment. then by next summer, its 2/3. even better.

ok this post sucks and i've derailed and i really dont feel like it right now. fuck it. i'm done.


Thursday, December 15, 2005

pointless conversation 3

in the computer lab, right before the crim pro final...

"excuse me, does anyone have tylenol?"
"i have advil"
"oh, you're amazing, thanks! hi, my name's julie*"
"i'm [dicta]."
"oooh [dicta] is a good name! my boyfriend's name is [dicta]."
"wow, he must be a great guy."

*names have not been changed to protect the innocent

pointless conversation 2

[phone rings]
"hey whats up"
"guess who i just met!"
"steven! from laguna beach. we were in a picture together and he squeezed my boob!"
"what??? i thought you'd be impressed."
"i hate mtv, and i've never even seen laguna beach. if i saw steven at a bar i'd think he was just any other shmuck."
"so you're not impressed?"
"no. actually, i think a little less of you now."

UPDATE: for those of you (such as myself) who dont know who steven is, here is a picture from my friend's photo album. i've got to be honest, he looks like even more of a douchebag than i was picturing, and i was picturing a pretty big douchebag. also, he looks like he's about 17.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

pointless conversation

today, as i handed in my final, the proctor noticed i was wearing flip flops.
she then asked me "don't your feet get cold?"
i calmly replied, "only during winter."


i havent done headlines in a while, plus i'm in an exceptionally crass mood after my morning exam, which was more of a statutory scavenger hunt than a test of our knowledge. and its common knowledge that the best time to remark on moronic "news" stories is when you already hate people. so here goes...

1) about fucking time. what a moron. it hurts my heart that enough people voted for him. hopefully more than my heart it hurts the wallets of the poor voters who helped to elect him. how do you like your president now, douchebags?

2) not news. would anyone in this situation really feel any differently? maybe if your father was someone horrible or stupid, like jacko, tom cruise, or the president.

3) indiana is fucked up. how hard is it to hire people regardless of their race, gender, orientation, but rather based upon the job they do? business owners/employers would actually benefit from this. you can have the best person for the job, or you could settle for whitey only. racist bastards.

4) a word of advice: if you're gonna be a slut, it's probably less embarassing if its not national "news"

5) good parenting

6) this is probably my favorite one of them all. i dont care if you're giving your priest a blowjob, if you park illegally you cant bitch about getting a ticket. maybe you can get god to pay your ticket for you.

faithful readers, sorry*, it's a slow news day. there were some much better stories the other day (someone got hit by a train, 2 others almost did (ps. how hard is it to not get hit by a train??? probably not very)), but i was too lazy to look back to link them, or to move on and find other stories. so this is what you get. #6 is ok at least, and #1 long overdue even though we all knew it already anyway.

the moral of the story: the "news" sucks, most of it isnt even real news, and people are stupid. time to put some cream on my ass to alleviate the pain from this morning, and also to prepare for tomorrow's exam. oh, and friday's. fuck.

*i'm not sorry

Monday, December 12, 2005

STUDy habits

i have back to back to back exams this week, so i figured it would be wise (and only right) to impart some studying tips to 1Ls, or anyone else for that matter. but rather than just rattle off a bunch of rules (you've been studying enough commercial outlines), i will adhere to a more common law school practice: an example of a schedule which is not an absolute rule. it varies, and is only here to give a guide for how you might want to study. studying this way alone wont give you all the answers. the rule of this schedule might be unclear, but do the best to apply it to your own life. this will be graded.

930am: wake up
932: turn on computer
935: take dog out
937: make a pot of coffee
938: sign on instant messenger
939: check your email
943: check your school email
946: check your 3rd email
951: check your fantasy team. make changes as you deem necessary.
1001: remember that you made the coffee. get some.
1003: check your blog
1006: check all the blogs you have linked on your blog, and any other blog you have ever read.
1030: check the first few again, cuz someone might have written something.
1045: productive first 75mins. play with the dog.
1100: check myspace, posting comments on all your friends' pages.
1122: check facebook, even though it's really lame now that you have myspace
1131: im somebody
1149: check ebay for good cheap stuff
1201pm: go to for todays headlines
1220: lunch!
1254: open class notes in preparation for studying
102: remember that errand you had to do. do it.
133: take dog out
150: im someone else (or the same person)
213: check the blogs again. better get myspace and your email too while you're at it.
257: start studying
301: you're hungry, get a snack. after all, look at all the stuff you've done today!
324: post on your blog
345-6: go over your notes a little, but feel free to listen to music and check away messages too
615: eat dinner
702: catch everybody loves raymond on tbs
804: resume studying
903: someone ims you. feel free to write back.
944: whoa! your friend sent you an invitation to a chat room. better check it out!
1010: resume studying
1026: nighttime snack
1100: daily show!
1133: tab statute book
1213am: check email, im. its kinda late to do work anyway.
1231-309: divide up the phone, im, and playing on the internet as you deem necessary. this block is set aside as sort of a "free time."
322: go to bed, you've earned it!

by following this general schudule, you too can become a successful* law student. and dont worry about what others are saying/doing, because they're idiots. besides, very few students actually receive failing grades on exams, and even less often are these students 1Ls. there's a saying in the legal field that "A-students get the offers, B-students take the shit jobs, and C-students make the money."** let this be a lesson to all of you.

*individual results may vary. success, as used here, is defined as one who maintains a social life during law school, but then may stumble ass backwards into a summer job (or may not).

**i just made that up. i have no support for this assertion. i'm not even sure it's logically consistent.

Friday, December 09, 2005

i got 3 problems, but a niche ain't 1

i didnt realize it had been so long since my last post. once classes end, time just melds together, one day indistinguishable from the next, except it must be morning one of the times you brew a new pot of coffee.

for the past week now i've been living off a coffee and fast(er) food diet, only bothering to actually cook a few times, and more often hoping that this guy is onto something. eternally restless and shaky, i've been drinking far more coffee than even i'm used to. tax is over with, but i can't seem to remember the clean air act's pollution credits system, the clean water act's permit requirements, or whatever the hell it is NEPA is for. don't get me started on hearsay, and as far as i'm concerned right now crim pro doesnt exist. for the purposes of the 4th amendment, i'm just going to review verse 2 of jay-z's 99 problems, but i have yet to figure out what to do with miranda.

i had a review session today for environmental, so that marked the first time since monday i got out of the house for any substantial period. it was kind of weird, interacting with humans again face to face. i might try this seclusion thing more often, come to think of it. this one girl at the review session seemed to know everything already, and proceeded to ask ridiculously detailed questions. i couldnt figure out whether she was one of those people who is obsessive and studies for a week straight, or if she was just a bitch. she's in a few of my classes, and i dont really like her. she seems to have an attitude of superiority about her. i feel like she thinks she's the smartest, best looking thing since sliced bread, when in reality i wouldnt even think about bending her over the table i'd use to hold my sliced bread. step aside, bitch, this table is reserved for Wonder.

amazingly, i dont think i've gotten any more irritable than usual over this exam period. i credit that to a few of my friends i've gotten to talk to and bullshit with. understandably life briefly changes during exam times, but it's important to stay sane and take some time for yourself regardless of how bad it is. i feel lucky to have a solid support system, be it for good times, a favor, or anything else. if you find a good place with things like that, then everything else becomes easier, or at least more bearable. your grades won't matter once you're out and get your first job, but sanity lasts forever, unless you're one of the crazy fucks who lives here.

also, i'm going to punch all this snow in the face.

Monday, December 05, 2005

and then there were 3

tax is done!

time to sit on the couch and depreciate.

Sunday, December 04, 2005

fast food follies

new rule: "fast food" must relinquish its title. these days "i'm lovin it" cuz my "finger lickin good" food is something i can "have. . .[my] way." i can even pay with a credit card in some places. but all this wonderous goodness comes with one very unwonderful side dish--its slow as hell.

i just sat for 15 minutes at a burger king drive thru, and i was the third car. all i wanted was some grease so i could study business deductions, depreciation, and capital gains today. further, its not like i even went right as they changed over from breakfast to lunch, so there was no excuse that my food had to be cooked right then and there. i need my fatty foods and 3000% of my daily sodium, and i need it now! if it makes me fat, that's the risk i assume by eating there. i'm sick of this whole trend of "fast food made me fat." no, you did that by being a fucking pig and eating like shit. shutup, you cant get laid cuz you eat 4 big macs a day. and your mother doesnt love you, but that's another story. here, i actually give jared the subway guy some credit. he was fat, saw what he needed to do, and did it (though whether he really had as strict a subway diet as he claims is up for debate). of course, that still doesnt change the fact that he's really, really ugly. and annoying.

sometimes, there are just situations in which some people are not made to perform certain actions. such is the case concerning retards and the food service industry. how hard is it to take my money, and bag some food that's been under a heat lamp for half an hour? i would argue not too difficult. i'd say that these people belonged somewhere else, somewhere like the special olympics. but that too would be inaccurate, as the special olympics is really for talented retards, which these people clearly were not. but finally, i have my food, albeit food that is undoubtedly laced with a lot of durrrrrrrrr.

Saturday, December 03, 2005

what, me study?

study habits are a tricky thing. everyone has their own method which works best for them. many fall within a certain range, but others are rather unconventional. law school only enhances these habits. here are several types of studiers you'll find at average law school.

1) mopey. often thought to be the 8th dwarf, mopey is actually the student who incessantly complains of their impending failure, only to achieve a 3.5 each semester. perhaps mopey thinks his or her complaining will lull you into a false sense of security, such that you wont study, actually creating an advantage for himself. or perhaps mopey is just a whiny cocksucker. but one thing is for sure: most people hate mopey, at least during finals. a few will find mopey comforting, in the way that the high school loser was comforted when all the popular kids started hanging out with him once his parents got a pool in the yard. you know they're faking, but it makes you feel better anyway.

note: person who complains of lack of master of the material who backs it up with their grades is NOT mopey. they're just stupid.

2) the pill popper. this is not exclusive to law schools, but it is prevalent there. many students take prescriptions, such as adderall to stay awake and/or focus so they can essentially study around the clock. sometimes this does actually help, and give them the advantage. its questionable if it will pay off in the long run, however. body damage aside, the job at many firms requires long hours and constant work. pill poppers run the risk of becoming dependent, and i say go for it. pop away. sure, you may receive better grades initially, but i'll calmly move my belongings into your office when you're cracked out, sitting in your padded room wearing your homemade "will suck dick for adderall" t-shirt. because if you cant make it thru 4 weeks of finals a year for 3 years without popping pills, you're going to be useless in the real world. but in the meantime, here, have some adderall on me.

3) the fish, or study-grouper. this is the person who is always searching for a study group to participate in. this person is either inherently self-doubting, or just a huge slacker. they either feel they need constant reassurance and other people's answers, or they enjoy study groups because they like to go and just bullshit, but hey, it's a "study group" so i was productive, right? actually, yes. it was productive for me. the more study groups the slackers have, the better off i am. group away.

so you may be asking, what kind of studier are you, dicta? well, i'm more like the leave-me-the-fuck-alone-i'm-studying type. i do enjoy the occasional study group once people have learned much of the material, as it is helpful and you'll often find people either have the same questions or they can answer each other's. but i dont like to do any more than 1 group per exam. with the three fools above lurking out there, can you blame me? why trust them when i can just do it myself. in general others are unreliable, so the best results come when you work on it yourself. unfortunately, things can never be done totally in isolation. and this is a good thing, when you have competent counterparts, but for situations like exams often you find out whether the counterparts were competent after its already too late. further, i'm not into the things like pills or prescriptions. i dont suck dick for coke either. pepsi, well, that's negotiable.

Friday, December 02, 2005

fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, you're cool, fuck you, i'm out

well, good news! i talked to the dean, and not only do i get to type my evidence exam, but he said i shouldn't have 2 exams on the same day so he bumped it back a day. fuckin sweet! so, as you can imagine, i'm now a huge fan of said dean. everyone else still fucking sucks though. the bitchy response from the registrar was uncalled for.

in other news, i listen to the camel toe song a minimum of 5 times per day. awesome.

Thursday, December 01, 2005

if you're not me, i probably don't like you

and if you're in any way associated with the functioning of my law school, i definitely dont like you. except the cash register guy at the cafe. that guy's fucking awesome. warning: giant rant forthcoming. i'll try to post them in descending order of how much they anger me, but no promises, cuz, well, i do what i want. that's just how i roll.

1) my evidence exam. in case you just stumbled across this blog and/or dont already know, you have stumbled across the best blog in history. but also, at most schools law students can opt to type their exams. now, smart schools get a program such as SecureExam or Examsoft to load onto students computers, which essentially locks down the computers as to prevent cheating. but not my school. no, they rely on their computer labs, with the unusual environment and limited occupancy. so, there's the potential for students who want to type to be turned down (the legal term is shit out of luck) if they dont sign up early enough. but according to the ever-trustworthy school, "this has never happened." as a wisely untrusting person, i signed up early on the first day of signups, just in case. so, you can imagine my surprise when i got an email, along with 16 others, telling us that due to a "computer glitch" we got bumped from the computer lab for typing and we would have to handwrite our exams.

so i look at it like this: ok, if everyone who signed up to type got bumped, no big deal. cuz the advantage of typing for those who choose it is that they are more comfortable with it, and they feel they'll do best that way (i cant see why one would type if they felt better writing), so everyone would be on a level plane. but not everyone got bumped. ok, that's bullshit.

oh, but it gets worse. so we get another email saying they'll allow us to type the exam at 3:30 that day (the exam is originally scheduled for noon). how is that worse you ask? well, being a transfer student, i had to take criminal procedure, which is a first year class here, since i didnt take it at my old school. when they schedule the exams, they take into account which year the classes are for. long story short, my crim pro exam is already at 3:30 that day. so i clearly cant do both exams at 3:30, so i emailed them back telling them my problem. here's the response i got:

"We are doing our best to accomodate you. If you want to write you are welcome to do that. You were warned that our space was limited. Please see [Dean's Name] if you have a problem. Most students appreciate that we are able to allow them to type at the later time!" [exclamation theirs]

ok, so obviously by "our best" they mean nothing. and i clearly dont want to write, or else i wouldnt have emailed you, you dumb bitch. i was warned, which is why i signed up early on the first day (besides, i thought it was a "computer glitch?!" oh, that was bullshit? oh, i didnt know. didnt see right thru that at all). i WILL see the dean. and finally MOST STUDENTS ARENT TRANSFERS. jesus fucking christ on a fucking rusty moped with no front end tourque! did you even read my fucking email?!?! how fucking stupid are you?! ok, so clearly, not one sentence of the response was relevant.

and the sad thing is, something like SecureExam isnt even really a feasible option. despite the fact that this school is a huge, nationally-recognized university, the law building is so shitty that there arent enough outlets in all the rooms for the students to take the exams on computers! knowing how reliable computers are, we clearly cant rely on 80 batteries all lasting the entire 3-4 hours of an exam. all of this sort of makes the asbestos/lead in the water fountains at my old school seem like nothing. at least i was insulated.

so, in conclusion, i am the ONLY one in the entire class who does not have an option to type as of right now. cuz that seems really fair. assholes.

2) the xmas tree in the lobby. this is something i would probably care more about if i thought that xmas still had any religious significance. but still, how do the non-christian people who are actually religious at teh school feel? i havent seen menorahs, or anything else around the school. and its not like the tree is subtly tucked in the corner. no, its in the lobby. and right in the middle of the lobby at that. as in, you have to blatantly walk around it if you want to cross thru the lobby. fucking religion, dont get me started.

3) our school's cheating policy. the other day, we all got a pre-exam letter from one of our deans, reminding us of academic honesty since exams begin next week. it tells a heart warming story of a student who was seen cheating and turned in, and how his punishment was mitigated because of his [albeit after the fact] honesty in eventually admitting the cheating. then it mentions how he was suspended and must petition to return, how he failed the course, and how there's a letter in his permanent record which will be available to bar reviews in every jurisdiction. fantastic.

then, there was another email from an anonymous source, criticizing the weak disciplinary policy of the school, basically claiming the childhood rule "if you tell the truth [which this kid did only after he was caught], you wont get in trouble [or in this case expelled]." since then, there have been several more emails in response, criticizing anonymous for bashing the school and our dean. i'm sorry, what? how about holding the school accountable. the school got served, and they need to recognize this. it talks big shit about the horrible consequences of breaking the honor code/cheating, but when it actually happened they let the kid off. anonymous simply pointed that out.

the school should either talk shit and back it up, or not talk shit at all. and right now, it should probably eat shit too. what's so wrong about calling them out? they talked shit, and didnt back it up. fuck 'em! some of the other criticizms of anonymous go to the method by which they criticized (e.g. naming the student who cheated). i can see both sides of that, but you know what? i dont feel bad for cheater. you cheated. becoming known for it is a risk you took. sorry, better luck next time. you're not even a good cheater. probably shouldnt be here then anyway.

in conclusion, right now anyone associated with my school can just eat shit. the first thing bothers me the most right now, obviously, but the others suck too. i'll tell you this: i will NEVER give money to this school as an alumn, nor would i ever recommend anyone go here. in fact, i'd even recommend they not go here, due largely to the way things are run. how's that for a strong endorsement?