Confessions of a Litigious Mind

The random, irrelevant musings of a law school graduate.

Thursday, December 28, 2006

of rings, vaginas, and pancakes

i just dont get this. how does it work and why would any woman in her right mind want to stick a ring in her vagina? how does it not fall off and how is it not uncomfortable? in the commercial i saw the main point of emphasis was that it's a method you only have to change once a month. well, let me tell you, if you're sexually active and you can't remember to take a pill everyday to prevent babies in your tummy, then you should be taking it in the butt instead. it's sexual and violent.

in other news, my break is quite fantastic and posting will be sporadic at best until classes resume and i'm back in that shithole of a state. you'd be able to tell when i post if blogroll was working, but alas, that piece of shit is broken about 90% of the time anyway.

ok, time to go make some pancakes and love.

Saturday, December 23, 2006

i'm back baby!

i dont know what happened, but my blog was fucked up for a few days. but i fixed it. i think it has something to do with me creating a google account to more easily post on beta blogs. let me reemphasize something: fuck beta.

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

winter break

so far i spent a day in dc with my girlfriend and some friends, a day driving home, and then spent 2 days doing absolutely nothing. this is awesome.

Thursday, December 14, 2006

greatest blog hit ever

"hate law students" OR "dislike law students" OR "can't stand law students"

you see, this is a huge part of the problem. too much shit like that goes on. you hear about something new every few days. then people get all irate because you're "not supporting the troops" and all of a sudden you're a terrorist or a terrorist sympathizer. so, wwtd (what would a terrorist do)? probably rape and murder. just a guess.

so we should send people who aren't fucking crazy and who are smart enough to do their job without any of these "recreational activities" on the side. but the problem with that is most people smart enough to not rape and murder aren't going to readily join the army. the vast majority (not all) of the people i know of who served are kids who didn't go to college, had no ambition, no life plan, and were just like fuck it, i'll join the army. and there are also 1 or 2 who are crazy and like killing. i shit you not. i'd link to one's myspace, but that might give away a bit too much.

anyway, the point is it's very hard to have respect for the "noble cause" when shit like this is reported all the time. that's all.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

the greatest exam tip in the world

it can all be boiled down to three simple words: grow a mustache. i know this sounds crazy, but really, hear me out.

law school is graded on a ridiculous bullshit curve. you're graded against your peers. the better you do in comparison, the better your grade, regardless of whether your answers were complete shit or not. grow a mustache.

nothing takes law students off their game more than breaking their routines or study habits. by walking into class with a ridiculous mustache you will grab their attention and be a distraction. some will laugh, others will think you're weird, but either way, you've got them thinking about something other than law.

during the exam, be sure to stroke your mustache as you ponder your answers. make eye contact with anyone you can. get up and walk out into the hallway to get a drink, everyone will look (law students are nosy, they cant resist). they'll also look at you when you come back, mustache proudly on display. you're in their heads. the idea is to play your competition, not the test itself. that's how you win in law school.

and lest you think i'm a hypocrite, i can assure you i am not. i have definitely done this before, and holmes can attest to that.

i know what you ladies are thinking, "but dicta, i'm a woman, i cant grow a mustache!" wrong. let's be honest, there's a reason you're in law school and not magazines.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

wait...but...i dont...understand

something hilarious happened the last week of classes that i had forgotten about until today. class had just ended, and some students near me were packing up and talking about finals. i mentioned how worthless our family law class had been all semester (wow, terrible class and a very overrated professor), when one girl said that it would at least be useful since family law is on the bar. it was at that point that i told her i'm not taking the bar. then we all had a good laugh. but then i straightened up and told her i was completely serious.

well, you should have seen the look on this girl's face. in a matter of seconds, i could visibly see her entire world come crashing down upon her in an explosion of confusion, panic, and internal hysteria. she asked, "what?" in utter disbelief. "yeah, that's right." i calmly responded then walked out of the room.

it amazes me that so many law students--people trained to think critically, ponder alternatives, and analyze the entire situation--have this one track mind. go to school, take the bar, practice law.

sure, i once thought this way too. i planned on practicing law. but then saw what it was about, tested the law firm life, and i aborted that plan faster than most can even get their dry cleaning off the hanger. i think it's hilarious to see peoples' reactions when i tell them this. they get confused, then they fire the typical questions off at me (why not, what about student loans, then why did you come to law school, etc), then, and it takes a careful eye to see it, they have a moment of insane jealousy. because let's face it, some of these people have discovered what i have, that it's not for them, but they are too weak to counter the pressures of the system. some have realized that there's probably something else they'd rather do instead. and some are probably just confused/angered by the fact that i couldn't give a shit about making a lot of money or holding a presitious title, or anything as long as i'm happy.

and what would make me happy? well, the stuff that i'm going to do. i dont have a job lined up and i dont even know what state i'll be living in next year. but i'm very excited, and there's something to be said for that. something big.

Saturday, December 09, 2006

saturday morning fever

after going grocery shopping at giant on a saturday morning, i will never again complain about going on sundays. ok, i just lied to you. if you really thought i'd quit complaining about giant then you're either new to this blog or you're an idiot. but i digress.

giant is vacant on sundays when compared to saturdays. but i'm in a great mood today, so it didn't even bother me. i just found it amusing. my day started out perfectly, so i just shook it off. it's better that way.

of course the register i went to was the new employee. the woman in front of me spent like $322 and had 2 FULL carts...and that was my best option as far as lines go. but it was kind of funny because the register lady didnt know all the vegetable codes because she was new, and the customer said, "you dont really know your veggies, huh?" it was funny because this was before we knew she was a new hire, but moreso because she was fat. i dont think the customer realized how that might be interpreted.

in other news, i've had 3 finals in the last 2 days, and 4 in total last week. i still have a take home and 1 more in class next week. today will include some relaxation. but also cleaning, and maybe reading over the take home. ok this is just turning into my list of things to do, so i'm going to go play xbox now. peace.

Friday, December 08, 2006

oh yeah

this can't miss. because extra chromosomes just aren't enough. let's add firearms to the equation.

the longest hour

it seems to me that whenever i stay up the entire night, the hour from 4-5am is always the longest. you've made it pretty far, but it's not quite morning yet either. making it even longer tonight is studying conflicts.

my original plan was to catch up on sleep tonight because i only slept 3 hours last night, as most of it was spent preparing for corporations this morning. but then i realized how screwed i was and decided i should use tonight (unfortunately all of it) to study for my 2 exams today; conflicts and patents. when i get done around 3pm today sleep is going to be the best thing ever. until then i'm just fucked. and not the nice way either. the tom cruise way.

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

i came along, i wrote a song for you, and all the things you do

it was inevitable. the suspense had been building for months, and it was bound to explode. it's like any other night tonight, maybe a bit colder. but winter's coming, so that's to be expected. 1045pm, so it's dark out. pretty quiet too. i figured it'd be pretty routine. we'll go outside, santos will piss on mary's grass, we'll go back inside. but he was waiting.

in the shadows was one of the cats. we didnt see him at first, or i didnt. santos perked up, but he always does so it doesnt usually mean cat. but finally i saw him as we were close. he arched his back, and looked like he was about to attack santos.

so i mustardized the fucking shit out of that cat. half a bottle of french's best classic yellow. fuck yeah!

Monday, December 04, 2006

a most likely undeserved rant simply because i'm in a bad mood

i wont say its totally undeserved however. cuz it's not. cuz i actually felt this way before i was in a bad mood today. but honestly, fucking law students.

today i had my first final of 6. the first short answer question was manifestly unfair, as it pertained to material that the professor had explicitly said would not be on the exam. within (i shit you not) one minute of the exam being over, there was a general shitstorm in the classroom:

"i'm going to email him as soon as i get home!"
"that was so unfair."
"he said that wouldnt be on the exam! he sent us an email saying that wouldnt be on the exam!"
"we should all write emails."
"i cant believe he asked that! he said that wouldnt be on the exam! wasnt that one of the things he said wouldnt be on it??"

how about shut the fuck up. who fucking cares? everyone got the same fucking test, so shut the fuck up. no one studied that part. it's a level playing field. besides, with the fucked up law school grading system we'll all get curved anyway. so who fucking cares? it would be different if we were actually graded for what we knew and not compared to everyone else (oh, what a novel idea). but we're not. besides, if someone paid attention and actually learned that shit then fuck it, they deserve a better grade than everyone else. besides, you didnt know that shit, i didnt know that shit, and everyone bitching didnt know, so stop being fucking stupid. if no one knew then it will be neutralized.

just fucking goddamn motherfucking piece of shit today. fuck.

ADDENDUM: i just took santos out and ran into the neighbor lady with no teeth (who i like) and she told me that our landlord called her husband and said that if mary doesnt move all her shit from outside in our common area there will be a $1500 fine. then she said, oh and john (the landlord) says we all have to chip in and pay it. FUCK.THAT.

Saturday, December 02, 2006

thank you, come again?

as i do before every final exam period, i stopped into dunkin donuts today. normally i get a few donuts and a large coffee, and i'm on my way. but this time, i came for the bags of coffee so that i could brew it myself at home.

the only 2 people i've ever seen working at this particular dd are this indian man and woman. they also usually hook me up with an extra donut or something. well, i got a half dozen donuts and a bag of coffee, and they said something about $5 off. but they have very thick accents and it's hard to understand what they're saying. for a minute i thought i was there about my dell (which sucks by the way). then the woman pointed to the bag of coffee i already had, and motioned for me to get another. so i got another and put it on the counter. she smiled and nodded. then she rang me up and said "see, $10.50." i dont know what $10.50 meant or where it came from, since the coffee was $7.99 lb (each bag being a pound). i guess it was $5.50 off, and that's what she meant. plus, the total was like $15. so i have no clue. i think i got a deal?

Friday, December 01, 2006

post 411

pennsylvania's normal 29/30 ratio of overcast days per month is now 30/30. everyone's gone. finals are coming, and my memory sucks more than [insert trendy-ass celebrity who's really just a filthy whore].

312. meetings, work, class, responsibility. miscommunication and a lack of comfort. sometimes there's just that someone, can't be anyone. but there's all this other stuff. intrusive stuff. you want to but you just cant help, no matter how hard you try and it's frustrating. it's no-fault. that's just how it is. it makes you care more and sometimes worry, even if there's no cause. sometimes it doesnt get any easier either. it's never easy, but sometimes it's just there. but sometimes it's known.

no mind, just talking to myself. that's why i have this blog. it helps.