Confessions of a Litigious Mind

The random, irrelevant musings of a law school graduate.

Monday, May 28, 2007

the final fuck you

it's official! i'm out of pennsyltucky, one of the shittiest states in the country. it's all over. i'm out and my shit is out. and damn it feels good (not to mention clean).

but i didn't leave quietly. flash back 3 years and i was living in south carolina. downstairs was an apartment full of illegal mexican immigrants who were never sober and often smoked crack (that's not an exaggeration). i was somewhat friendly with the oldest mexican. he was probably in his 60s and was the only one who could speak any english. i used to loan him a couple movies at a time for them to watch. well one day, one of those goddamn mexicans took off, taking a bunch of my movies with him. i never said or did anything to those guys, and i've regretted it ever since. that wasn't about to happen again.

back to this weekend. in my short absence, a third lesbian moved in with mary and butch (let's call her butch 2 because while she is not morbidly obese like butch 1, she is definitely butch). and in the last, previously vacant apartment, now lives a man far sketchier than jd or jeff ever were. while we were moving my shit into the truck, mary was cutting the old neighbor lady's hair at the picnic table, and butch 2 was wiping down mary's face with a towel. it was vomit inducing.

i made a decision a few weeks ago--i was not about to let this turn into a sequel of the situation with the mexicans. so i did what any law school graduate would think to do; i wrote a strongly worded letter, and placed it in mary's mailbox right before i got into the truck, flipped off the town, and left it forever. here's the letter to mary, word for word:


We have been neighbors for the past year, and I must admit that I am very pleased to see this arrangement come to an end.

You are a hypocrite. From as far back as October you have tried to tell me where I could and could not walk Santos. In the meantime, your cats roam freely throughout the neighborhood, causing cat fights at night, going to the bathroom all over our yard (and sidewalk), and attracting other cats and dogs who did the same. At least I picked up Santos’ poop, which is more than I can say you did for any of your cats.

I routinely (and nicely) asked you to keep the cats inside because they either hissed at Santos or distracted him when I would take him out to get him to go to the bathroom. You simply ignored all of my polite requests.

You are inconsiderate. Besides blatantly ignoring me, there have been times you put your cat on a leash and tied it to the pole of the stairs. This made passing directly by the cat unavoidable. You blocked one way around the stairs with boxes, bikes, tables, stolen shopping carts, and other piles of garbage. Then you hung windchimes in the only other passageway to my stairs. As if that weren’t enough, you placed three plants on the steps up to my apartment.

Another aspect of consideration is keeping private things private. Neither you nor your girlfriend should ever walk around the common area topless or naked. You should close the doors and shades if you walk around your apartment naked. On multiple occasions, our neighbors, John, and I have inadvertently seen things that were absolutely offensive. You were not at all respectful to your neighbors, yet you demanded the utmost respect from us. It is no coincidence that you did not get it.

You are lazy. Get a job. No one believes that you can’t work when you spend so much time outside gardening and being a yard Nazi. Furthermore, just because you have nothing to do, you should not assume the rest of us can stop our day for idle chatter every time we pass. But if you must, do not ask stupid questions. If I am bringing my golf clubs from the car to the house do not ask me if I’m going golfing.

Soon you will have new neighbors. I strongly suggest that you significantly adjust your attitude and behavior because not everyone is as permissive as I have been over the last year. You have been the worst neighbor I have ever had by far, and as bad as you thought this year might have been, I can assure you it will only get worse if you continue to be as stubborn, irresponsible, obnoxious, demanding, inconsiderate, and intrusive as you are now.

I never thought I would be this happy to move away from a place, but this only makes it that much sweeter. For everyone’s sake, I hope you have learned from this experience. Goodbye forever, Mary. I will certainly not miss you.


you can find (much) more on mary here.

today is a wonderful, wonderful day.

Friday, May 25, 2007

public figures are pussies

the latest of public figure apologies. frankly, i'm quite sick of all the shit. when you come out and make statements on tv or radio, do you honestly think anyone will believe your (probably forced) retraction the next day? the other recent one was (i believe) portis' comments about how michael vick did nothing wrong if it was his dogs on his land. of course, there was an immediate apology saying "that's not what i meant." yeah, right.

i dont generally think of professional athletes as highly educated, so i have a hard time believing that what they said was so complex that everyone else misunderstood them.

i know there's pressure from your club, but if you say something stupid it's probably because you are stupid, and you should just stand by your statement. i mean shit, the bengals' lewis said "i apologize that what i said did not reflect my true feelings." HAHAHAHAHA right. i heard the radio interview. he sounded cool and calm during it. the statements he made were well thought out, not just some off the cuff remark. just stop being a pussy and admit that you meant what you said.

and while i adamantly disagree with portis (although i dont think he's ever said anything even semi-intelligent), lewis might actually have a point. of course there's racial profiling with cops in this country. that's not even a question. he shouldn't be apologizing simply because he came out and said what others are thinking, specifically when it's true. but now he sounds like an asshole and loses all personal credibility by making a statement that no sane person could reasonably believe. besides, his apology wasn't even necessary for the organiziation. after all the shit with the bengals recently, do they really think that his apology will clear the club? i doubt it.

also, did anyone see the marlins and phillies almost fight last night? honestly, give it up guys. neither of you will come close to the playoffs. you're two very subpar teams that no one cares about.

Thursday, May 24, 2007

i'm so conflicted

about this. on the one hand, i think it's disgusting how fat, indifferent, and lazy many americans are. on the other hand, you know how i feel about handicapped people. especially since the scooters are made for the disabled and obese.

i've said it before

NOBODY LIKES ROSIE O'DONNELL. she's just a fat, loud, ugly, untalented bitch who shouldn't even be allowed on television. i want to know whose vagina she had to lick to get on the air in the first place. that person should be fired, then murdered.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

graduations galore

the last week and a half has been ridiculous. nonstop motion. i graduated 2 saturdays ago, and my family and dominique came down. the weather held up, and there was a nice picnic afterwards. it was a relief to get it all over with, though i still don't feel like i'm really done.

then i packed for a couple days (that's what she said), and headed up to dominique's for her graduation. a group of bomb techs was in town for a course at dominique's school, so we went out with friends and those guys each night during the week. on tuesday night we were outside at this bar when all of a sudden it got really windy. the gust was so strong that it knocked over full bottles of beer and a full tray of 20 irish carbombs. luckily, they were replaced. the other 40 carbombs were delivered inside and managed to stay upright until it was time to be imbibed. on wednesday night we got dinner and drinks at bdubs, probably the greatest restaurant ever. thursday, dominique's friends had a party at their apartment. friday, we had some drinks with dominique's mom at the hotel then headed to dinner. from there we met friends at the bar.

on saturday, dominique graduated!! woohoo! the ceremony was nice. the auditorium looked really nice and the speeches weren't bad. we went to a big dinner at a nice restaurant with some other families, and then headed to one of the professor's houses for drinks afterwards. it was a good time.

today i ventured back to new england, where i'll be hanging out for the week ($1 drafts tomorrow!). already have some plans so i'm pretty excited about it. then this weekend is the big move...getting my stuff out of pennsyltucky forever! i can't wait. when i left the state today i immediately felt my IQ jump at least 20 points. i've only been gone for hours and already i feel like a new, cleaner person. it's wonderful. i will miss nothing about it.

so, blogging has resumed. the lack has been due to all the fun stuff i've been up to and also a lack of internet. while the fun stuff will continue, the lack of internet (and blogging) will not. and for those concerned, there will be at least 1 more post to wrap up my relationship with mary. then i will leave pennsyltucky behind forever...except when i travel outside new england, since it's such a big useless cockblock to the rest of the country.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

the grades are in

suck it law school! youKNOW!

Monday, May 14, 2007

thanks, that was fun

i can't believe it's over. not just exams, but we walked on saturday. it's over over (2 grades pending).

it doesn't feel like it. i took some time off in the middle of undergrad, but i otherwise have always been in school. every summer i've just worked a job then gone back to school in the fall. right now it feels no different, and i suspect it might not until august when i don't go back to school.

normally this would be a bad thing, since i liked school. i mean come on, college was awesome. but law school is different. i always rued the people who would tell me "no man, stay in school. the real world sucks." of course, these people are always relating life to undergrad, not law school. if your idea of fun is being surrounded by a few hundred sniveling, competitive, boring, uptight assholes then sure, law school is great.

but since i've decided not to practice, i'm looking forward to the real world. unlike many law students claim (though i suspect many are liars), i will admit to doing lots of work. i went to law school for a reason: to learn. if you read blawgs and hadn't gone to law school you might think that law students dont do shit but drink and hang out with friends. of course this happens and there's time for it, but it's not all that happens. so i did work in the evenings, and i did work on weekends. i'm looking forward to not having to do that (or doing that minimally). i dont doubt that until/unless i find my ideal job that i will dislike all or part of what i will do. but that's life, that is the real world.

and after 7 straight years of post high school education, a change will be refreshing. i'm looking forward to working. maybe it's because i'm doing it on my own terms, i dont know. maybe i just need that change.

or maybe i'll just live the american dream and watch crappy daytime television and sit by the mailbox waiting for my welfare check. either/or.

Sunday, May 13, 2007


see title

Thursday, May 10, 2007

now it's just creepy

so last weekend butch officially moved in with mary. to top it off, there's the possibility that at least mary (and maybe butch) have adopted the retarded looking schizophrenic kid. i heard mary tell someone on the phone that she was his adopted mother. and i think he might be living there with them, because i just took santos outside and heard butch yell up the stairs that it was "lights out time."

i'm really embarassed to have family here for graduation. this place is so ridiculously retarded.

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

is it really over?

as long as i didn't fail anything!

oh, yes. oh fuck yes.

Sunday, May 06, 2007

dicta, the humanitarian

if you read this blog, you know i'm very helpful. i believe i did this last year, but i'm too lazy to check. but to all the lowly 1Ls and 2Ls, here's all you need to know for your crim pro exam (special attention to verse 2):

If you're having girl problems I feel bad for you son
I got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one

I got the rap patrol on the gat patrol
Foes that wanna make sure my casket's closed
Rap critics that say he's "Money Cash Hoes"
I'm from the hood stupid what type of facts are those
If you grew up with holes in your zapitos
You'd celebrate the minute you was having doe
I'm like fuck critics you can kiss my whole asshole
If you don't like my lyrics you can press fast forward
Got beef with radio if I don't play they show
They don't play my hits well I don't give a shit SO
Rap mags try and use my black ass
So advertisers can give em more cash for ads...fuckers
I don't know what you take me as
or understand the intelligence that Jay-Z has
I'm from rags to ritches nigga I ain't dumb
I got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one
Hit me

99 Problems but a bitch ain't one
If you having girl problems I feel bad for you son
I got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one
Hit me

The year is '94 and in my trunk is raw
In my rear view mirror is the mother fucking law
I got two choices yall pull over the car or
bounce on the double put the pedal to the floor
Now I ain't trying to see no highway chase with jake
Plus I got a few dollars I can fight the case
So I...pull over to the side of the road
And I heard "Son do you know why I'm stopping you for?"
Cause I'm young and I'm black and my hats real low
Do I look like a mind reader sir, I don't know
Am I under arrest or should I guess some mo?
"Well you was doing fifty five in a fifty four"
"License and registration and step out of the car"
"Are you carrying a weapon on you I know alot of you are"
I ain't stepping out of shit all my papers legit
"Do you mind if I look round the car a little bit?"
Well my glove compartment is locked so is the trunk and the back
And I know my rights so you gon' need a warrent for that
"Aren't you sharp as a tack are some type of lawyer or something?"
"Or somebody important or something?"
Nah I ain't pass the bar but I know a little bit
Enough that you won't illegally search my shit
"Well see how smart you are when the K-9's come"
I got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one
Hit me

Now once upon a time not too long ago
A nigga like myself had to strong arm a hoe
This is not a hoe in the sense of having a pussy
But a pussy having no God Damn sense, try and push me
I tried to ignore him and talk to the Lord
Pray for him, cause some fools just love to perform
You know the type loud as a motor bike
But wouldn't bust a grape in a fruit fight
The only thing that's gonna happen is i'mma get to clapping
He and his boys gon' be yapping to the captain
And there I go trapped in the kit kat again
Back through the system with the riff raff again
Fiends on the floor scratching again
Paparazzi's with they cameras snapping them
D.A. tred to give the nigga the shaft again
Half-a-mil for bail cause I'm African
All because this fool was horrasin them
Trying to play the boy like hes saccarin
But ain't nothing sweet 'bout how I hold my gun
I got 99 problems but being a bitch ain't one
Hit me

Saturday, May 05, 2007

old #2

i'm generally all about giving people freedoms, but i'm starting to wonder about the good old right to bear arms. yes, i understand that people use them to hunt (though i'm not sure that's always safe anyway). and i know there are staunch defenders of this right. i mean, i guess it's ok. it's not like people have proven themselves incapable of handling themselves responsibly. maybe when that time comes we can revisit the issue.

hello, i'm a recovering crackhead and this is my retarded sister. i'd like some welfare, please.

Friday, May 04, 2007

well trained, or alternatively, i couldn't make this shit up

irene and paul have a granddaughter named cheyenne who stops by fairly frequently with her mother. cheyenne is probably about 5yrs old and has taken a liking to santos. every time she sees me she asks if santos is coming out to play soon. she was here this afternoon after i got out from my exam, and i took santos out for a bit because i have a weakness for cute little kids (i hate ugly kids though).

during the time, cheyenne played with santos and i talked with irene and her daughter. irene spent the 5-10 mins filling me in on her conversation with butch from yesterday. apparently irene was just nodding and saying yes so that butch would go away. not only that, but she hates butch as well as mary. but she also added 2 new bits of info, at least new to me.

first, a suspicion that dominique and i had has been confirmed. irene paused mid-conversation, looked at me, and said, "you know she's a dyke now?" dominique and i have guessed that mary was a lesbian, particularly once butch became a regular here. suffice it to say that the walls between mary's bathroom and irene's bathroom are "very thin," and irene hears conversations (and probably other stuff) she doesn't want to.

it gets worse. i've already mentioned how i accidentally saw mary naked (vomit) and how butch is not at all ashamed of her body (however, both really really should be). well apparently our landlord came by to mary's apartment to tell her that butch can't stay there and live with her (i think butch has her own place somewhere in town, but is here all the time so i'm not sure) and butch answered the door without a shirt on. our landlord (john) then came running into irene's apartment and was all pale-faced and apologized but said he had to get in there quickly after what he'd just seen. then irene tells me that she also sat out at the picnic table without a shirt on and jordan, irene's 17yr old son, came running into the apartment all grossed out after seeing this the other day. next time the cops are getting a call.

the other new thing i learned revolves around this retarded looking kid who hangs out with mary and butch. when i say retarded i dont mean that he's down with downs, but he definitely doesn't look right. well apparently he and butch were sitting out at the picnic table talking the other night and irene overheard them talking about how he's schizophrenic. as in he actually has multiple personalities to the point where he even beats himself up sometimes (think fight club). apparently his arm is all bruised from when one of his personalities decided to fuck up one of the other ones. personally, i'd fuck them all up.

so tonight after dinner irene, her daughter, cheyenne, mary, butch, and two older people i dont know who had a little girl with them (i think they were with mary and butch) were all outside. it was like a fucking circus sideshow out there, really. i cant make this shit up people. so i took santos out and cheyenne came over to the yard to play with him after he took care of business. the other little girl (tessa) followed cheyenne out there. cheyenne began picking some flowers and urged tessa to do the same. tessa was hesitant, probably because santos is a big dog, not because she didn't want to pick the flowers. cheyenne, however, must've assumed that tessa was afraid mary would yell at her for picking the flowers (because mary is the yard nazi), and yelled over to tessa, "it's ok, mary's actually being nice today."

kids are so honest it's great. and cheyenne is one well trained kid.

Thursday, May 03, 2007

the gross and the restless

my apartment building is somewhat of a soap opera, and i suppose it's partly my fault. i did leave a note on mary's door telling her that she needs to keep her cats inside. i didn't sign it.

fast forward to today. i'm taking santos outside, and irene (the toothless lady with the speech impediment, who is really nice) started getting into it with mary's butch (lesbian lover?) friend. it seems as though after i left the note, mary left one back on irene and paul's door that was pretty mean. then paul (irene's husband) left one back on mary's door. and now they're fighting. (though they were debating whether mary left a note on their door before i left the note, in which case my note would be irrelevant).

however, it should be noted that paul and irene have hated mary pretty much since she moved in. i've been here the longest (kill me now), then paul and irene, then mary. they've always argued with her, because she's sloppy, gross, dirty, smelly, and a cunt. paul has always told me that if mary gives me any trouble to let him know, because he's got my back and he works for our landlord.

i thought about joining the conversation when i was outside. i got pulled over to them because santos lacks a selectivity gene and went to butch and irene to be pet. but i didnt interject because it quickly became apparent that the argument was about much more than just the notes. stuff i didnt even know about, stuff that didnt have anything to do with me. i figured, i'm out of here in a week and a half, just ride it out.

irene and butch seem to have resolved the issue for now, but irene said she's still pissed at mary. and who wouldnt be. she's a hypocrite. for all the bitching she does about our dogs, her cats run loose, pissing and shitting all over the place. they attract other cats and even some dogs which do the same. she leave piles of trash outside in the common area. mary sucks.

*ring ring*
"hello, pot? this is kettle. you're black."

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

yankees fans are terrorists

you heard it here first! (props to dominique for finding the story, i try to avoid the news these days)