motivational monday

fucking finally

motivational monday

well, the fantastic combination of my once-again-fucked-up dell and blogger being slow is not allowing me to post motivational monday. i'll keep trying, and if i can get the picture to load you better kiss my fuckin ass for this shit.

happy fucking monday.

what did the man at the beach say to michael jackson?

get out of my son!

i'm sometimes criticized when a celebrity's name comes up in conversation and i have no idea who they are. so i must ask, if you have a fascination with celebrities, why?

i'm not trying to be difficult, i'm just curious as to why. they're not superhuman. they're made of the same stuff you and i are. do they deserve all this extra love (or hate) simply because they've cast themselves (or fell ass backwards) into the limelight? why are their carbon bases more interesting than ours?

i personally dont feel bad about not knowing who celebrities are, and i never will. why would i need to know this, other than to keep up in conversation? wouldnt it be better if i worked on first remembering all the people i actually meet, in case i run into them again? i think it might be.

i dont care that lance bass now openly admitting to liking balls. so did some kid in my psychology class. and let's be honest, if you didnt know that at least one member of n'suck liked to take it up the ass before this, then you're on another planet anyway.

and yet the celebrity gossip industry is booming. why is this? i dont understand it. i think people are very interesting to observe, interact with, and talk to. but i feel like celebrities are often fake, or have fake images to live up to. so maybe the appeal is seeing them at their lowest, proving that they're just normal people too? i'm sure some of them are awesome people, but do we really get to see that? i suppose in some instances we do. but what's the big deal about who's dating who, celebrity couples, etc.? i'd be more interested in knowing whether my neighbor is actually sleeping with that large, hideous girl who always comes by.

i'll be interested to hear your thoughts on this. and now, a little something for the celebrity lovers.

attention: it's only july

an email i got thru my school account this morning surprised me. a professor for one of my fall classes sent the class an email. now, i already have a problem with this professor. it appears as though i might also have a problem with some of the students in my class.

evidently, someone emailed her inquiring about the text and the first week's assignments. honestly, it's july. JULY. shit, even if i read it now it would be LONG gone from my memory by the first week of class. i mean, i'm generally done with law school and i just want to get thru my third year, but i'd at least like to think i have a chance to get an A in my classes. nerds suck. well, not all nerds.

hangover wednesday

good to see everyone again last night. good for the birthday boy, so that's nice. it was also one guy's last time probably, due to surgery next week. his girlfriend posted a myspace bulletin asking people to pray for him. all that praying that he wouldn't have to have surgery really helped, so this probably will too. behold, the (lack of) power of prayer. how about i'll just be a good friend and visit him, entertain him, and help in any way i can. i'll settle for that.

i learned that laura and i play a mean tambourine, as long as she isnt stepping on the microphone cord. gregg with 3 g's was back.

last night i had this dream that it was august, but there was like a foot of snow outside. then, people were stealing all these cars from my driveway, so i called 911. no one ever came. but then it turned out to be a big prank my father played on us all. wow, those $1 drafts give me weird dreams.

today has been kind of brutal. it's been long, and my head hurts. i'm very tired. boo hangover wednesday, boo. why cant you be more like tuesday night?

UPDATE: thanks to julie, here are 2 pics from last night. the first is laura and me sporting the tambourine, and the other is me and the bass player. he tried to get me to play bass. oh what a disaster that would've been. i'm pretty sure i was singing though.

old ladies and bubble tops

one thing that i like about the city i work in is that there's always something here to entertain me. today when i went to lunch, i walked out to my car which i parked in the back row because it's in the shade under the trees. well, a few spots down from my car, someone decided to "park" two very old women in their wheelchairs, also in the shade of course. and these women had been there for a while. no one else was around, and one of them was out cold. at least someone had the decency to roll them into the shade and put their parking brakes on. i dont even mind that they were taking up a nice, shady space. shit, they were even sharing one!

what i do mind is what i saw when i got back from lunch. the old women were gone, and in their place was a car taking up two of the highly coveted spots in the shade. the worst part of it all: that's right, the car had a handicapped sticker in it. it's annoying enough when you park like an asshole in your own handicapped spots, and it's annoying that you even have your own spots, but i'll be damned if i'm just going to brush it off when you park like helen keller in my perfect, cool, shady, normal parking space. the "handicapped" need to be stopped.

i know my last post was about this too, but i cant help it. like this kid, i guess you could say i've got a real hangup here. too soon? ahhhhh shit.

UPDATE: oh shit, i forgot about the bubble top part. basically, when i order a coolata without whipped cream from dunkin donuts i dont see why they cant give me a flat, soda-like top instead of that annoying bubble top. honestly.

still on tilt

if i havent offended some of you yet, this post might just do it. monday hasn't gotten much better since the dell incident. it's going slowly, i'm bored as fuck, and i feel like shit. awesome. so i went to lunch.

lately, i've noticed that no cars in the handicapped spots are ever parked well. i've especially taken note in the last couple weeks, and 1/3-1/2 the car is always over the line of the space. so i have to say this: if you cant park your car in the extra-wide spaces, then you are too fucking handicapped to be driving. driving is not a right, and your license should be revoked. just because there are shaded no parking lines between handicapped spaces and the normal spaces does not mean that this area is for part of your car. in fact, it means just the opposite. being handicapped is certainly not an excuse to be fucking retarded.

and while we're on this topic, fat is not a handicap. you shouldnt get to park closer to the door just because you cant stop at 8 big macs. not my fucking problem. go to a support group, go on a diet, do anything! besides, the extra walk from the normal spaces would be good for you. walk it off. literally. and if you're in a wheelchair already, then what do you care where you park? just roll your fat ass in.

handicapped spots might be a good idea in theory, but so is communism. in reality, the privilege is abused, and many handicapped people should be off the road, unless we all want to die. i do not. that said, the best gift any of you could ever get me for my birthday, or any other holiday, would be a handicapped parking pass. because i can park my car reasonably, and i can fake a limp if i need to.

fucking motivational monday

hey everyone, sorry (not at all actually) i'm late with this week's mm, but it seems as though my fucking piece of shit dell computer would not start, so that was the reason for the delay. i've complained about the blue screen before. well today, i would've loved a blue screen. i would've fucking made out with it. but no. just blackness. so naturally i called those fucks at dell again. well the first lady was trying to get me to take the hard drive out to examine it. i initially refused, saying i thought it would take me off the warranty. she assured me it would not, but it was all moot cuz i didnt have the right size screwdriver (but i mean, law offices are usually known for their huge supply of tools). so then when i got the right size and called back, this other indian woman i could barely understand ran me thru some test, and now it's at least temporarily working. probably long enough for my warranty to run (it's thru this month) then it'll fuck up. but that's ok, i wont take it easy on them if it does.

so in short, here's your fucking motivational monday. it's gonna take a lot more than a fucking picture to do it for me today...

attention

this is just plain hilarious

i'll play your game trebek

i'm pretty sure asking my readers to think injured most of you, so i'm sorry for that. here's another mindless criticism to both assuage your throbbing brains and also offend you:

there is a now-trendy hairstyle for women that has to be one of the dumbest hairstyles i've ever seen. god it looks so stupid. i cant really explain it except that it's usually girls with long hair, and it just looks like they have an extra pile of hair on top of their head:


as with most lame trends, i'm sure someone famous from either NYC or LA rolled out of bed in the morning looking like shit from snorting too much coke the night before and went out in public, only to have pictures taken for a tabloid, and now women everywhere try to imitate this coke whore hairstyle.

so i'd like to send a message to women everywhere: this hairstyle is a completely transparent attempt at trying to be fashionable, and at the same time you look like some skank who got cut during auditions for the real world 85: fire island. i'm sure that's not far from the truth. anyway, you look ridiculous, and therefore have no right to complain when the only guys who hit on you have the dirty jersey blowback hair. they want a nasty slut, and you look like one.


also, i wanted to share this video (as seen on legally blonde) with my readers. it's hilarious. the guy even has the mustache for the part.

finally, i'm a little tired, but no real hangover this wednesday. now that's what i call justice.

around the office

witnessing a will in the office

partner: do you want to leave any anatomical gifts?
client: no, no...wait...my pecker!
partner: well, they only want large gifts.

something to make you think

i was a philosophy and religion major in undergrad. philosophy is, and always will be, my first academic love. however, due to this law school business, i havent thought, discussed, or read nearly enough in a long time. god i should've gotten the phd. of course i still can, but i need a break from school after this.

anyway, i came across a few quotes this morning, maybe just something to get you thinking. discussion would be nice, or just enjoy them. either way.

I do not by any means know atheism as a result; even less as an event: it is a matter of course with me, from instinct. I am too inquisitive, too questionable, too exuberant to stand for any gross answer. God is a gross answer, an indelicacy against us thinkers—at bottom merely a gross prohibition for us: you shall not think!
--nietzsche

Early in the morning, when day breaks, when all is fresh, in the dawn of one's strength—to read a book at such a time is simply depraved!
--nietzsche

It was previously a question of finding out whether or not life had to have a meaning to be lived. It now becomes clear, on the contrary, that it will be lived all the better if it has no meaning.
--camus

Wit is educated insolence.
--aristotle

The real question of life after death isn't whether or not it exists, but even if it does, what problems this really solves.
--wittgenstein

777 - satan on roids?

today after work i'm going to the casino. this one doesn't have a poker room, so my g.o.c. is roulette. while this will undoubtedly be both fun and interactive for me, i've chosen to make it so for you as well.

got any lucky numbers? well, tell me! i will play them. furthermore, i will provide incentives, sort of. if you are not on my blog list right now, and your number wins me $100 or more, i will feed your starving legal ego for free until september 1. should i like your blog, i will leave it linked. should i not, sayonara. should you win me $50 or more, i will give you a one time mtv-like shoutout in a blog post. i have yet to decide on an incentive for those already linked to me (suggestions? and dont make them ridiculous, i obviously wont agree). and dont worry, i dont have (nor do i expect) to end the day with a net gain for you to be linked. you wont be held responsible for any net loss due to my playing other numbers or due to the length of time i play. rather simply, if your number hits enough while i've bet it to exceed one of those values, you win.

a few ground rules.
1. one (1) number per person
2. no duplicate numbers will be allowed, unless they're posted in such a short time span that it's clear the second poster could not have seen the number posted before they left it
3. numbers will only be accepted between the time of this post and 4:30pm est
4. #19 has already been submitted via text message by dominique, and so it is taken
5. i reserve the right to make any more ground rules which i may deem necessary or desirable prior to the end of this contest


i absolutely dont expect to come home with more money than i leave with, or even the same amount. gambling is fun, and the money spent is spent on entertainment. the figures have been set at relatively high numbers because i dont want to just link to just anyone who hits a number once. you have to earn it, unlike me, who will just be gambling. seems fair. and even if it's not, that's ok, i do what i want!


UPDATE: so how did i fare? meh. here's who won me some money
dominique - 17
damon - 35
first year - 35
myself (#27) - 35

motivational monday

do i look rich?

i went to the mall today. as a general rule, i dislike the mall. it's always crowded and everything is overpriced. further, i usually dont like most of the crap i come upon there, and i guess when it comes to clothes i'm a pretty picky person. i rarely even shop at goodwill anymore, except for t-shirts during my annual "back to school" shopping trip in august. but even the donators haven't been donating quality t-shirts lately. bullshit. but i digress.

when i do find something i like, it's usually expensive enough where i dont want to purchase it. i'd much rather spend my money on dominique, fun shit with friends, booze, golf, and meat. take your overpriced fabric and shove it.

the reason i went to the mall today was that i found a gift certificate for a music/movie store in my room. god knows how long it had been there. so i went to the store, and ended up with a key purchase. i got both the arrested development season 2 dvds (18 episodes) and the big lebowski for $26.48. but the gift certificate was $25, so it cost me $1.48. awesome.

next, i went to one of the department stores to check out some ties. i found a few that i liked, on sale even. but they were the same pattern, just different colors. i didnt want to buy 2 ties with the same pattern, so i looked for another tie to replace one. nothing there that i fell in love with. so, instead of even buying the one tie i said fuck it and left without any. i look at it this way: when i'm fucking you up the ass in court, the color of my tie is probably the last thing on your mind.

the last reason i dislike the mall (and this is not exclusive to malls) is that they always have tables set up for this-or-that group soliciting shoppers for money and/or donations. true, people go to the mall to spend money. but for that money, they want to receive stuff. not nothing. and why do people always harass me when i walk by? do i look rich? no, i dont. although i have noticed that since i've grown the beard, people are slightly more hesitant to bother me than they were before. hey, whatever works. i'm well past the stage in my life where i can be guilted into donating money. shit, i should be at a table asking for donations to help pay my law school tuition. talk about spending money for nothing.

i wish my lawn was emo so it would cut itself

just a couple things that happened or have been on my mind lately, none of which are worthy of their own post alone.

one more highlight from $1 draft night. it was some girl michelle's birthday. i dont know michelle, but either the band did, or someone told the band it was her birthday. occasionally throughout the night the bar socialed for her birthday. on one occasion, one of the band members asked where she was, and i calmly raised my hand. he then told "michelle" that her beard was coming in very nicely. i hope she heard that.

i just got a new belt to go with my suits. it's nothing special, but it's not broken in yet, and it's still stiff as hell (insert erection joke here). but now, between the belt, the button, the clip, and the zipper, my pants are harder to get into than a child molesting convention sponsored by the catholic church. not that you would've gotten into them anyway. please, i have standards. high ones.

i heard about this on the radio today. it's pretty disgusting. as many things are, it's merely a ruse by gillette. an advertising campaign. as gross as it is, i still respect this more than ford who got that old looking young american idol winner for their ads. anyone can hire someone "famous" for their ads. gillette is thinking outside the box...sort of.

hangover wednesday

to say i feel like shit today would be an upgrade. when i woke up (at 6 for some reason) i was still drunk. now i'm just massively hungover. however, this morning i did stop at both dunkin donuts and mcdonalds because i wanted an orange juice coolata and because mcdonalds has a better sausage, egg, and cheese sandwich. i also took many advil. but i digress. today will be better if we focus on the highlights (and/or lowlights, depending on how you see some of them) of $1 draft tuesday:

1) a great group of people was there. we all know good company is like 90% of it. it was almost all the guys and some cool girls (therefore they were not from my high school).

2) the tab was $99. mind you, this is $1 draft night. and i closed my tab when the special ended, so it doesnt include what we drank afterwards.

3) i was talking to the bassist on the way back from the bathroom and he noticed how our group is there every week. he then decided we needed a group name so we could taunt each other on a regular basis. we decided upon "the sexy people" as it is very fitting to our group. for the rest of the night, we demanded that they "play something sexy." they played some marvin gaye. bravo.

4) the bassists 8 year old son plays a mean bass. he stood in for one song, and was very impressive.

5) laura and i met this kid named gregg (or "gregg with 3 g's") as he apparently said. at first this made me think greggg. either way, this kid was retarded. and also, he looks like he's about 17 because he has braces. he acts about 17 also. come to find out, he brags about calling into a local radio station and being on the radio. "you might've heard me before, i call in and talk to courtney in the mornings sometimes." ummm no, i havent heard you. and apparently for valentines day he sent courtney and her mom some flowers. i hope that was the last time i run into gregg with 3 g's.

6) after i made a snyde comment about how julie should makeout with the bassist (probably within earshot of him), she threatened me with friendship.

7) this girl who we went to high school was there with her friends and some guy. she'd been seeing a med student for a while who i make fun of and have never met. when she arrived last night, she immediately came over to warn me that this was not him, and so i shouldnt talk about him tonight. for the rest of the night i asked her how "dr. jim, the gyno" was.

8) i left myself a note for the morning that said "note to self: be sure to cut debbie today." it shall be done. you're on notice, debbie.


today has counter-productivity written all over it. i've already resigned myself to hours of pain and discomfort.

compliment whore!

the other day, while trying to decide where i should go for my morning coffee, i mentioned how the woman at the mcdonald's drive thru told me she liked my tie. well, this morning i went back to mcdonald's, this time for an iced coffee. i was wearing a different tie, and once again this same woman told me she liked my tie. so i started to wonder, is she a compliment whore who compliments everyone's tie or do i just have the most ridiculously awesome tie collection on earth? as it stands now, both are possibilities.

so naturally, i'm going to do some research and find out. and by research i mean i will get mcdonald's breakfast again later in the week, but this time i will wear an ugly tie. not tomorrow though, because i'll probably be hungover from $1 draft night, and will need an orange juice coolata (good call matt) from dunkin donuts. it couldnt hurt to give it a day or 2 either.

if i get another compliment, i will just feel dirty and cheap and used, not unlike most of the food mcdonald's serves daily. but i guess maybe that would be a little ironic, and i'm a man who loves some good irony. after all, i hate mexicans...and i'm half mexican. it's like rain on your wedding day, or a free ride when you've already paid. oh wait, no it isnt. that's not irony alanis, that's just stuff that sucks. the song is about irony, yet the singer doesnt know the meaning of the word. now that's ironic...or is it?

help a cracker out

dear law school,

i would appreciate if you would cease and desist from filling my inbox with minority job fair and scholarship information. in case you havent noticed, you're in the middle of pennsylvania. central pennsylvania isnt exactly known for its diversity, unless you differentiate between rednecks, hicks, hillbillies, and retarded people. i do not think it would be too much trouble to take the time to be sure to only send emails to relevant parties. after all, i dont send you emails about awards for "best law school in the nation," "best law school in the state," or even "law school that we dont wish we never accredited" because those awards simply are not relevant to you.

however, if you ever come across anything that might actually be useful, please feel free to pass it on. and no, an online subscription to "incest for dummies" is not useful to me. check my account, i pay out of state tuition.

your compliance is greatly appreciated,

dicta

is that supposed to impress me?

my home state has a website which basically serves as an online magazine/guide for the goings on all over the state. it has news stories, nightlife, dining guides, advice columns, daily events throughout the state, and more. often i will check out the daily events just to see if anything cool is going on that i might want to see or do.

so today i check the events, and some bar has an event going on called "ultra mondays." on ultra mondays, bottles of ultra and ultra amber are $3. i'm sorry, is that a deal? normally, bottles of most stuff are $3-4 anyway, so what, at most you chopped off $1-1.50? and this is a special? really?

this is why i love $1 draft night. now that is a real deal. you cant have a promotion if you dont cut the price at least in half. in fact, let's make that a rule.

new rule: there shall be no advertising of any "specials" if the price of the drink isnt at least cut in half. the only thing that's special is your IQ score. i understand it makes consumers think they're getting some great deal, but if there's one thing the general public is not stupid about it's how much they pay for drinks. i've known people who couldnt pass a math test if the teacher gave them the answer key and a handjob, but they could calculate in seconds the amount by which the bartender stiffed them on their change.

so stop advertising $3 bottles like it's the resurrection of christ. cuz in the end, people will realize you're just screwing them, and you too shall find yourself crucified.

motivational monday

games are fun

i probably wont post again until motivational monday, so i thought i'd leave you all with a game to keep you entertained for the weekend. after all, dicta is for the people. here is the likeness of someone famous and/or someone in the news. you figure out who it is. i'll post the answer either sunday or monday. this might be too easy...

i'm young and hate my life...i should join myspace

myself and a few others have discussed the whole myspace phenomenon on this blog and others. of interest might also be mydeathspace, which chronicles the deaths of myspace members. lots of suicides and drug related deaths. what's up with that? adolescent stupidity? natural selection? too small a sample size? i dont know, it just seemed like a high percentage...or at least higher than it should be. perhaps emospace would be more fitting.

i cant really talk as i have a profile myself, and so do a number of my friends. perhaps its my sheltered friend bubble, but we use myspace more to crack jokes and keep in touch than anything else.

people criticize myspace, but really i think they should be criticizing the people on myspace. or their parents. it's an easy cop-out to blame the system, for it avoids assigning any personal responsibility to real humans. myspace doesnt match up teenage kids with pedofiles, the kids do it. where are the parents to step in and teach their kids that its fucked up to meet strangers from online? how do you not know what your kid is doing? ok, maybe they're just dumb, stubborn, rebellious kids. but christ if you cant maintain some form of control or protection over your kids, why are you a parent?

i dont mean to sound so in love with myspace. i enjoy keeping in touch with friends that way, others dont. thats fine. but what bothers me is that everyone is so quick to blame a website for things that could easily be prevented. not one of my friends have had any problems relating to myspace, or from any other website that i know of. but eh, it's probably still all tom's fault. i guess i must have forgotten that the internet is only supposed to be for studying and learning about god. my bad.

it's 9am, come to daddy

i love coffee. i like my coffee like my friend debbie likes her men: tall, black, and with children (i call those children sausage, egg, and cheese mcmuffins). but there is always the dilemma of where to get my coffee in the morning (despite having a coffee pot in the office, we have no coffee, and who am i to change that). there are three obvious choices: tim hortons, dunkin donuts and mcdonalds.

tim hortons is somewhat of a wildcard here, since i'm largely unfamiliar with it. this is the first i've seen in my home state, and the only other one i've seen is in pennsylvania. i'm pretty sure its a dunkin donuts wannabe, but i've heard they have good coffee. however, tim hortons is also on the left, meaning i would twice have to cut all the way across the morning rush hour traffic, so that's a drawback.

dunkin donuts is sweet, but it's also in a gas station meaning there's no drive thru. that kind of defeats the purpose, for the morning commute at least. they put their breakfast sandwiches on bagels which is great, but their egg and sausage is so plastic-y and fake.

mcdonalds has good coffee, newman's own organics to be exact. i dont know how long they've had it, or if they always have but recently changed the cups. it's still not as good as dunkin donuts coffee, but mcdonalds has the superior sausage, egg and cheese sandwich in my mind. also, the mcdonalds staff at this particular location is always very friendly, even in the morning. today the drive thru lady even told me she liked my tie. it is a nice tie.

i suppose i could just mix it up depending on what i felt like each day, but then i couldnt blog about the options cuz it would all be so simple. ok, back to this 60 page complaint with the assistance of my dark master.

headlines

i know most of you probably never read my blog when i post the headlines, but i saw a couple stories, one especially, that i had to link to.

1) this is ridiculous! seriously? wow, i didnt think i'd ever see the day. good old state employees (lawmakers), coming thru again...or not. exactly what are you paid for anyway?

2) i dont really get this story. i mean, i kinda do...she wanted free medical benefits. but where does the lecturing come in? why did she make the lecture circuit? couldnt she just get the medical benefits without the lecturing? maybe its cuz she's ugly. or maybe cuz she's a lesbian. or, she is from pennsylvania, so maybe she's just straight retarded.

3) this is just kinda cool

4) listen, i'm all for gay rights, but gay people sometimes need to be smarter about it. right now, so many small minded people still discriminate against them. it's horrible, but it's the truth. so why, WHY, would you open a gay bathhouse in ohio?! perhaps it would be smarter to start in more liberal states, then work your way to the south and midwest. if this helps, gay people, compare it to sex. you dont just jump into the other guy's ass, you have to lube it up and ease it in first. oh my god that's disgusting i'm gonna stop. but you get the picture.

5) this almost certainly could have been avoided had she prayed to god--errrr, the intelligent designer. i cant emphasize this enough people, we need more god in public schools!


i'll throw a joke your way too:
Q. what's the fluid capacity of monica lewinsky's mouth?
A. one US leader

can't touch this

i'm the #7 google hit for "injuries to genetalia vibrator." i think this whole incident proves once again that moderation is king.

oh mountain view, california, will you never learn?

motivational monday

oh shit, really?

although i do not listen to the radio much, i have begun to listen more this summer. the reason is simple: i like to listen to it as i get ready in the mornings. it's mostly a morning show, with a few songs and traffic reports mixed in, which is fine because if i hear some funny stuff in the morning it will help wake me up and feel better in the morning than i probably should.

the reason i dont listen to the radio much is because the radio is complete shit these days. 90% of the songs suck, and you're getting the radio edits of the ones that dont. also, most stations dont go more than one or two songs before taking a commercial break, which is likely to last as long as the songs you've just heard.

but this morning i turned the radio on and was delighted to hear a few good songs in a row. songs i liked, could sing to...songs from when i was in high school. then they said it: it's sunday morning, so they're doing some "backtrack" thing for a few hours. well, thanks. thanks for making me feel old radio station, thanks. it's bad enough when i go to the bar and see kids there who were freshmen when we graduated, or who i coached years ago. i did not need this.

goddamn kids with their baggy pants, and their pop music.