built to last...for 2 weeks

if you read my blog, there's a small chance you may have noticed that the administration of my law school is completely inept (as a side note, my school also runs on old woman time. every employee of the school who is not a professor or maintenance is an old woman. they do things however and whenever they want to, which is generally half-assed and infrequently. the other day i went to the mailroom to drop some outgoing mail in the basket and one woman who works there was just sitting behind her desk staring. nothing on her computer, nothing on her desk. it was completely clear. just staring. i think that the higher-ups have serious issues causing them to shrivel up and hide from confrontation like male genetalia in a cold pool, and therefore refuse to let any of the useless employees go. why pay extra to get outlets in the "renovated" building when we can blow the money on a few employees who just do nothing besides sit, and take an occasional lap around the building?).

well, this "renovation" included turning the rooms into classrooms. today, as i was sitting in patents, i open my book to the page we're discussing when there's a loud, annoying clanging of metal, followed by the feeling of something on my leg, followed by the sound of metal hitting plastic and more metal, followed by metal hitting carpet. that's right, the table i was sitting at just started to fall apart on its own.

i wasnt touching any part of the table when it happened, except of course when the metal plate hit me in the leg. it didnt hurt at all, but it was loud as shit. the plate is approximately 4"x4" and slightly resembles a throwing star. it's nice to know that when the school renovated the building they were really thinking of the students, and bought quality furniture.

so what did i do with it? well, since i am just a large child, i resorted back to the rules of 1st grade: it touched me, so i took it home. now i have a useless piece of metal in my apartment. damnit. maybe i'll sell it on ebay.

the dicta diet

since every other non-morbidly obese cocksucker has tried to profit off a "diet" they've invented, i thought i would take my turn (and where is dr. atkins you might ask? dead at 72. some nutrition expert).

the inspiration
the dicta diet was inspired by two things. first, the purchase of my nevco. second, something i like to call religion. and by religion i of course mean taking lots of money from hopelessly faithful believers and giving empty promises in return. the main difference is that with the dicta diet, there will be no molestations. if you thought i couldnt work child molesting priests into a post about a diet, then you were just proven dead wrong.

the plan
the dicta diet largely focuses on the consumption of dehydrated foods, but also gives the dieter a lot of flexibility. while we want you fatasses to shave pounds thereby forfeiting your handicapped parking passes, we certainly do not want to hear you bitch about what you can and cannot eat.

BREAKFAST: cereal and/or dried fruit, along with a glass of water or juice
LUNCH: dried fruit, dried vegetables, and jerky
DINNER: whatever your gigantic ass wants. this is where the flexibility comes in. dicta realizes we're not working miracles here, so we're not holding you back from gorging at dinner. steak, chicken, pasta, and fetus are just 4 of the unlimited possibilties for dinner.
SNACKS: this, along with lunch, is the key to the dicta diet. snacks may only be dried fruit, dried vegetables, and jerky.

the guarantee
in 2 words, absolutely nothing. if you didnt want to be fat and gross you should've watched what you ate and exercised regularly long before seeking the assistance of the dicta diet.

the catch
definitely not you...but it could be, for only 10 easy payments of $79.99 which buys you the official dicta diet book, an editorial masterpiece for those wishing to shed some pounds and gain a significant other. inside you will find a detailed diet menu as well as alternatives to sitting around and getting fatter. it will seem like a lot of reading, but just remember, the book is obese so you dont have to be.

i got a beef

i just think this picture perfectly ties together my bitterness for being back at school and my love for homemade beef jerky

planes, trains, and...well, just planes

i just saw something on the news (the fact that the news was even on was a mistake) saying that conan did a spoof of "lost" on the emmys (which i didnt watch cuz really, who cares) where he was in a plane crash. apparently, kentucky officials got upset cuz it aired just hours after the plane crash that killed some people there. they're demanding an apology from conan.

here's my demand: turn your fucking runway lights on so planes can takeoff. or just train your pilots to takeoff from the correct runway. you know, either/or. dont say i didnt give you any flexibility.

motivational monday

more proof

i've said it before, and i'll say it again, pennsylvania is the most backwoods, hickish, redneck, dysfunctional place ever.

i absolutely, 200% shit you not. today dominique and i went to the movies to see talladega nights. we walked into the theater to buy our tickets, and who else was behind the counter except a bearded woman. i swear to the fucking god i dont believe in. it was a woman, and she had a beard. for real. holy shit was it disgusting. i almost vomited up the sandwich i had for lunch. her beard was as thick as mine, except it was just on her chin and neck.

please excuse me while i go think of pennsylvania to induce vomit.

it's like they're reading my mind

did i not just write a post in which i said i wanted to punch my old neighbor lady in the throat? i did. well, here's today's comic:


great minds think alike.

my new baby

yes, the rumors are true. i had sex with ebay and 1 day, 1 hour, and 18 minutes later i was officially the proud new baby daddy to this:



so now the question is, who has a good beef jerky recipe???

everything's coming up milhouse!

i just had one of those moments. i'm at my apartment for a bit before i go back to school for my second class. i was just relaxing, laying on my bed and hanging out with santos. the fan in my room was cooling me down a bit. it was the perfect temperature. i was as comfortable as it gets.

i was just thinking about how i have such an awesome family, girlfriend, friends, and dog. how i only have 1 year of school left. how far i've come, and all the things i've accomplished. how well things are going right now, and how i can largely control how well they turn out in the future. and of course, how i'm really, really, ridiculously good looking.

and at that one moment, everything was in place. then the present chimed back in as i heard the old lady who lives next door yelling for her dog, and i wanted to punch her in the throat.

my sentiments exactly!

gentle giant

who says all corporations are evil? thanks to one, i actually got a real parking spot today. and i'm surely NOT talking about my useless school.

that's right, giant food stores agreed to let law students use one of their rows of parking spaces. i dont know if there was an arrangement worked out with the school, but either way, the school wasnt doing shit despite student prodding. so let me take this opportunity to say thank you, giant food stores. and law school administration, i still hate you.

i like meat

not in the way tom cruise, derek jeter, or a-rod like meat, but in the heterosexual i-like-grilling type of way. this is the precise origin of my disappointment.

you see, last week my mother and i took my grandmother to lunch at a red robin restaurant. attached to the "rate our service" feedback card was a card advertising the red robin email club. normally i wouldnt have looked twice at it, but it claimed that members get a free burger on their birthday. so naturally, i signed up. i'm quite disappointed in either our server, red robin, or both, as i have not yet received an official email telling me that i'm a card carrying member of the red robin email club. for the most part i could care less, but when march rolls around i want my free fuckin burger.

$1 draft withdrawal

well, this is the first tuesday since i've been home for summer that i wont be partaking in $1 draft fun, so instead i'll give you a bitter rant.

so far, being back at school hasnt been all bad. its been nice to see some familiar faces and have class with friends. also, i've had 4 of my 5 classes to this point, and all seem like they'll either be good or at the very least, tolerable.

but the administration is another story. we were promised ample parking, and parking fucking sucks. they need to lease out one of the parking lots across the street. on top of that, the only other way to get to school, the shuttle, has been so filled that it hasnt always been able to accomodate all the students, so people have to miss it and be late (or not go at all). so if we cant park, and we cant all fit in the shuttle, then what the fuck are we paying all this money for? how can an administration be so fucking incompetent? it's ridiculous.

and they're getting cheap too. this year, for the first time, we have a maximum on the number of pages we can print on the computer lab before we get charged 5 cents per page. fuck you, you cheap bastards.

also, the renovations of our temporary building were supposed to bring more outlets to the classrooms to accomodate those students (well over 75%) who use laptops in class. however, this building has fewer outlets than the old building. the irony of it all is that the school is trying to become so 21st century that they wont even send our tuition bills in the mail anymore, but only online (and they were all ready quite late). so they're encouraging the use of technology, except of course where it might be most practical.

finally, the building is small and does not have room for everything we need. there is nowhere, and i mean NOwhere, to sit and study/read/whatever if you have a gap between classes (or if you arrive early by necessity so you could get that last spot way back on the grassy hill). the "library" is so small that it mostly holds books, and only a few tables, and there are only 15 or so study carrels at one end of the main floor...right where everyone walks thru talking by the way. the basement is unfinished except for the bookstore, the 2nd floor is faculty and club offices, and the third floor is the cafe then an area with 10 or so tables with 8-10 chairs each. this area is often filled and/or noisy too.

so i ask, how the fuck am i supposed to pay my bill, get to class, keep my computer from dying, and get any work done if you're all so fucking incompetent?

also, all my neighbors are giant rednecks. must be something in the pennsyltucky water. sure glad i have a brita, it filters the white trash right out of my water.

is catastrophe spelled with 1 "fuck you" or 2?

happy first day of school to me! so far i've only had 1 class which went fine, and there are even a couple people i like in it. bonus points.

but the big story, as hypothesized, is the parking, or complete lack thereof. i'm currently waiting for my second class of 3 today. for both of these first 2 i left my apartment an hour before class (it's only a 10 min drive) and there hasnt been any parking anywhere. both times i've had to play create-a-spot on the grass. i'm more than happy to do this, but the day i get a ticket or towed is the day the shit hits the fan. they promised us "more than enough" parking, and there's not even close to enough. not even close.

the other huge disappointment is this "remodeled" building. ok, it's kind of remodeled. as in they installed tables and chairs. but there are even fewer outlets for laptops here than there were at the old school building, and trust me, that says a lot.

classwise, i've just had the one so far and it seemed ok. even if it is somewhat of an advanced civil procedure class (shudder). i think it'll be ok. the professor has some weird quirks (rejecting clinic applicants via mass email, calling on people by describing their clothing), but overall seems like she's pretty nice and laid back.

ok, time for my first experience in distance learning. this should be classic.


UPDATE: well, distance learning is not so practical. the professor was pissed cuz he couldnt see the entire class (and i hate to tell him, i dont know how they'll work that one out). we could hear him ok, but not a thing the students at the new campus said.

parking is still a disaster. seriously, get me a handicapped pass. there were several open spots right by the door. crippled bastards.

motivational monday

if you're like me and school starts today, then you need an extra shitload of motivation.

1 down, 3 to go

i knew those stupid ass cactus plants on the steps up to my apartment would be trouble. since my landlord changed my locks, this is the only way i can get to my apartment, so ugly neighbor bitch had better get used to me using that staircase (not to mention i've been using it for a year already). well, tonight santos knocked one of the plants over. not only that, but the ceramic pot it was in broke.

reimbursement will certainly not be coming from my wallet. besides, why choose my staircase when she has her own front steps? stupid ho.

i'm sorry, i can't answer that at this time

ramsey this, karr that. since when did a 6 year old former child beauty pageant star who has been dead for 10 years become more important than the 8 billion wars going on? you think iraqis or hezbollah give a shit about a dead girl whose parents forced her to do her little turn on the catwalk? i dont.

what's funny is all the "news" commentators who are now claiming "i knew it wasn't the parents. i mean, if you looked at the facts, it was pretty obvious." yeah, right. and i love handicapped people.

perhaps someone can remind me what was so important about this particular girl/family that everyone's making such a huge deal about it, then and now. i mean, the guy who confessed wasn't even a priest. you're a rich little white girl from colorado, so you deserve more attention? i dont think so. you're a statistic. get in line behind the altar boys honey.


IMMEDIATE UPDATE: i just had to hear an old guy say the words penetration, penis, vaginal, pubic hair, and semen all within 90 seconds. tonight's nightmares are going to be worse than the time i watched "risky business" right before bed.

one. more. year.

today was my triumphant return to pennsyltucky. i saw more than my share of rednecks on the drive down, but that was just the beginning of my "welcome home."

i didnt post about it before i dont think, but some of my new neighbors heard and saw someone around my apartment a couple weeks ago and the woman who lives below me thinks the guy was inside. all my stuff is here and seemingly in order. a few things seemed off, but it could just be paranoia working (or, of course, it could be true). who knows.

when this happened one of my neighbors called the landlord, who called the cops, who came inside to check it out. they didnt find anyone or see any evidence that anything was up, so they left. maintenance switched the locks. what this means is that i was locked out when i got here. so i called my landlord who sent a guy over to give me a key.

in the meantime, i met the woman who moved in downstairs with her kids and dog (and maybe husband?). she defines redneck. she's missing teeth, has a bit of a drawl, and has the same stutter as paul giamatti's character in lady in the water. she does seem to be nice though.

the other girl who moved in has two evil looking cats who sit in their respective windows and glare at you as you walk by. she also locked her bike to the railing of the stairs up to my apartment, and the handlebar protrudes into my walking space, which wouldnt be so bad except she's lined up four plants on the opposite side of four of the steps. hey bitch, you have a door on the first level, quit crowding my stairs. her bike blocks one way around the stairs, and she hung windchimes where one would walk thru on the other side. also she's fat and ugly. this could get old real fast.


UPDATE: as those of you who have read my blog for a while know, i often have stories after i go grocery shopping. today is no different. in the grocery store i saw a woman wearing a shirt that said "extra special olympics." only in pennsylvania. goddamn this place is retarded.

happy hangover wednesday

i went to be put in my place

and nothing even close to that happened. this morning i went to the casino to play a no limit hold 'em tourney. i fully expected to be busted faster than derek jeter's nut in the yankees locker room. but this was not the case.

i finished in the middle of the pack, certainly not in the money, but i wasn't close to first out either. there was nothing to be intimidated about. i played my cards, and i played them well. in hindsight there wasn't anything i would have changed about my play. i busted out after going all in with AcJc and being called by AsQd. nothing but low cards on the table, and my day was over. bad luck, but i went all in at the right time so no worries.


in other news, new england fucking rocks, and this is hilarious:

motivational monday

i begin classes next monday, which means i will have posted a motivational monday every monday for the entire summer. be impressed.

fan mail

i recently received an email regarding my issues with the ever-shitty shipping company, dhl. at first i thought i might let it go, but then i remembered who i was. also, some of the reader's points are quite suspect. so, my friends (mostly random strangers i dont know), here is the letter:

From:	"Doug"
To:	coalmblog@yahoo.com
Subject:	re: Dell and DHL

I work for DHL as a courier and was browsing the Google search results for "DHL". Over the years I've found that people are generally very anal about computers and money. You should have just boxed up your computer and put it out on your front doorstep and just slept off your hangover. Delivery drivers rarely have time to stop by in the late morning or early afternoon for pick ups because they are still doing time-sensitive deliveries. Might I recommend to try understanding the circumstances your DHL delivery driver has to put up with not to mention breaking route to pick up your computer between 10 and 2.

I think what happened is that the driver notified the supervisor that he/she could not make the time window and the message did not get relayed to you or maybe they could not find your contact info for them to call you.

Life goes on....


IndyDoug


first of all, who the fuck casually browses google results for their company? no wonder dhl cant do shit on time.

second, why wouldnt people be anal about computers and money? computers often help people/students in work/school, and are therefore somewhat necessary. also, computers cost a lot of money, so money is an issue, yes. perhaps i've underestimated the salary of the average dhl courier, but us normal people dont have extra money to throw around. so forgive me if i'm anal when companies give me the run-around that would be analogous to the flushing of my money down the shitter. maybe you'll hire me, indy doug?

i gave the reasons why i wouldnt just leave it on my doorstep. quite frankly, i dont trust dhl or you, indy doug. should my computer go "missing," at least this way i can say i handed it to the courier.

third, perhaps drivers do have time sensitive deliveries in the mornings. but this was an extremely time sensitive pickup. and also, arent all of your customers important? shouldnt they all be time sensitive? i would think so. besides, assuming this lame excuse to be valid, customer support at dhl were the ones who suggested the 10-2 pickup time. it's not my fault if the people at your company are too retarded to coordinate with each other. if you suggest 10-2, i will expect 10-2. and what's with the 4 hour time span? when did you become the fucking cable company?

might i recommend coordinating your company and running it like a group of actual professionals. if none of the drivers can make a 10-2, then dont suggest one and tell me you'll be there. people have to take time off work to sit around and wait for your unreliable asses. daytime television sucks, and a guy can only get a certain number of erections in 4 hours (hypothetically speaking). if you couriers are so smart, maybe you should run dhl.

regardless of all of the above, if the pickup time (talking about the ridiculous 4 hour span here) is changed, there is absolutely no reason whatsoever why you, the fuckups, should not call the customer who is sitting around like an asshole waiting for you. you're right, indy doug, life does go on. but not before i will give you and your shitty ass company a giant piece of my mind. if you're indicative of the average dhl employee, then there really is no hope. long live ups.

Defunct Hopeless Limpdicks

vegas baby, vegas

as unlucky as i've been in the last 2 weeks, i am lucky today.

first, i got a surprise call this morning from dominique, who is on vacation in hilton head. it was awesome to hear from her, and it started my day off right.

next, it's absolutely gorgeous outside, and my dad is taking a half day from work and we're golfing this afternoon.

third, after a wait of over three weeks, my new credit card arrived via fedex this morning.

fourth, and most surprising, i got my computer back from dell today. it had only been gone since wednesday, meaning they must have overnighted it, fixed it, and overnighted it back, seeing as the dell depot is in memphis, tn. either that or they brought it back to the dhl office where they have the dell checksheets, checked off a couple things they did to fix the computer, and just brought it back today. i'd say both are probably viable options. but hey, it turned on, so far so good. while i certainly must praise dell for this extremely speedy service (if they did anything), i still am extremely disappointed in the malfunctioning of my computer and the length of time i had to literally fight with dell on the phone before i could get some real results. i will still never again buy a dell, nor will i recommend that others do so. in fact, i will actively suggest that others look elsewhere. but this whole ordeal does leave one stinging question in my head: if they can fix it so quickly here in the US, then why the fuck do we outsource it to people who cant even read the circular script they're given?!


also, stay tuned. in the next day or 2 i have another post, a response to some "fan mail" i received.

oh this is rich, which is why i'm not

i was just about to sign off my parents' computer (as you may recall, mine is being serviced by dell. a reasonable estimate is that they will be "fixing" it until next july when my warranty runs and then they will claim it's not under warranty.), when i got a phone call that i have to blog about.

you see, i'm still without my credit card. they claim to have sent it 21 days ago, though i find this unlikely. so, monday i closed the old account, opened a new one, and argued until i got them to overnight the credit card to me at no expense. so, giving them 2 days for the account to open, they were supposed to overnight it last night, and i would receive it today at my house from fedex. but then the phone rings.

evidently, there was a "problem" at the plastic company (no seriously). a shortage of plastic, a problem with the molds, my bank didn't really know. all they did know is that no visa gold cards were made this week. well lucky day, i have a visa gold.

so i politely (no really this time) suggested that they not mail out new cards so close to the expiration dates, particularly when the customer has never been late with a payment, and always pays in full. i told her how it was "really fun" to be without my only credit card for 2 weeks, during which time i was also on a mini-vacation and needed it. i also inquired into how a company can be so "ridiculous" about the one thing they do: supply people with credit cards so they can take our money.

while the woman perhaps didnt see the humor of the situation, she was quick to apologize (seriously, i have a huge rash on my ass from all these companies kissing it lately), and said it was a shame they came off looking badly in the situation when the plastic company was the source of the problem. she then made a waitress-takes-the-blame-for-the-cook's-bad-food analogy that i found less than delicious. i was quick to remind her that if they had sent out the card on july 1 instead of (allegedly) july 20, this might never have been a problem to begin with. she told me that this was "a very good comment" and that she would "enter it under the customer comment section" whatever that means.

i swear to god, everyone wants to be #1, even if it's on the shit list. if this isn't proof then i dont know what is.

a fight to the top...

of the list of gigantic assholes.

my issues with dell and my credit card company are well documented, but today a new contender has emerged as a force: dhl.

dhl has some sort of contract with dell. you see, dell fucks up frequently enough that they have contracted with dhl for the latter to deliver the defective computers and accessories back to the former when someone under warranty has a problem. so yesterday i called dhl and arranged for a pickup of my own personal piece of shit. the woman asked me what time i would like them to pick it up, and i replied that anything late morning would be great. she asked how sometime between 10-2 was. i thought it sounded a little too cable company-ish, but i agreed.

as you might also know, last night was $1 draft night meaning today is hangover wednesday. and hungover i was when i got up at 9 today. i packed up my computer into the box, and waited. and waited. and waited.

at 3 the hangover was long gone but my bitterness had grown. i called demanding to know why they told me 10-2 (a time frame they suggested) if they weren't going to bother being here then. the customer service woman, obviously not very smart, seemed confused and transferred me to some guy. he told me they had changed my pickup time to 5, without calling to let me know mind you. i let him have it.

i angrily asked a series of sarcastic questions such as "i took half a day off from work, and now i'll miss the second half. are you going to cover the pay i'm missing?" he answered the questions sincerely. i cursed him out. he told me that due to where i live a driver couldn't come for pickup until the late afternoon. i then asked why they suggested the times they did. he didnt have an adequate answer for this. i asked him how his company was so incompetent that the people scheduling pickups and the people responsible for them dont know what each other is doing. he didnt have an adequate answer for this. i asked him how he thought dhl would get their own corner of the market from ups and fedex when they couldn't coordinate a simple pickup. he didnt have an adequate answer for this. i threw in a few more "jesus christ's" for flavor. he said he was sorry and i said you should be apologizing. he thought i said to stop apologizing, to which he said "sorry." i laughed.

i realize i could leave it on a box on my doorstep and they could pick it up whenever. but i dont like that. first, i dont trust people who have already fucked up bigtime in my only interaction with them. should anything happen, i envision them saying "oh, we went but it wasnt there." i'm not even willing to let that be a possibility. plus, we have people working on our house, and while i'm not horribly afraid of them stealing it, i wouldnt want one to accidentally trip on it or anything like that. in this world, the best way to get shit done right is to do it yourself. and i dont want to have to rely on other people to get shit done. i dont want to mess with other people's stuff, and i dont want other people touching my stuff if it's unnecessary. well, except dominique. she can touch my "stuff."

so now it's 410 and i'm still sitting here waiting for dhl. i suppose in the end it's wholly appropriate dell uses dhl for pickups. it's like they say in the downsyndrome glue factory---retards stick together.

dicta: model american

today is the democratic primary in connecticut. the race between joe lieberman and ned lamont for the nomination to run as a democrat for the senate has been high profile and could be close. there has even been a little national coverage from what i understand. either way, i just rocked the vote.

but i'm very proud of some 29,000 connecticut residents who were either unaffiliated (so much less sexy than "independent") or were not registered at all who registered themselves as democrats to vote in this primary. the liberal, the lazy, and the poor got off their asses and registered to vote. just kidding, connecticut doesn't have any poor people. we hate them.

life, or something like it

i was talking to someone the other day and they had an interesting idea. i will expand upon it and add details, but the basic idea is not mine. i think maybe it was dominique or laura. or maybe it was someone else. that's not the point. the point is the idea. the idea is cool.

the idea: the life cycle should go in the opposite direction.

think about it. you're "born" old, decrepit, a terrible driver, and mostly useless unless someone asks how many miles you walked barefoot thru the snow to get to school/work/location in question. you sit around the house, freak young people out with your old person smell, and collect social security. slowly, you get younger.

the meat of your life is still spent in the workforce. i dont remember if the idea holder had the job going backwards too (i.e. starting at your highest salary/position and working your way down). imagine the possibilities of both ways. it might be nice to keep the structure as it is, as some good times are in your future. however, you'll be more irresponsible and naive then. or is that real life? i'm confused.

as you prepare for "retirement" you are getting younger and younger. you are more able to travel, drink, walk, run, have sex, and do any other activity that involves something physical or sharp thinking. you're generally more mobile than a senior citizen and can therefore engage in any activity you want with greater ease. yet you have fewer cares because your working life is behind you.

you slowly become totally dependent on others (what a mirror to senior citizens), and live a life based on a desire for pleasure and an aversion to pain. all you have to do is cry and someone will put a boob in your mouth. finally, as a grand finale, someone shoves you into a vagina the size of your head.

now that's living.

motivational monday

just drove back from the dirty south. what should've taken 7 hours took 11, so this is what you get. also, i'll do my best to keep posting, but my computer is getting shipped to dell so those fuckers own up to their shit and actually do something productive.

a little rant and then some goodness

oh dell, dell dell dell dell. what am i going to do with you? i know! i will cut you.

so after the fifth call in the last week and a half, i have convinced dell to take a look at my computer, which doesn't turn on when it doesn't feel like it, or which occasionally freezes should the mood strike it. i only had to do the same innane tests to it about forty times before they were convinced to take it in and look at it themselves. what, do you not believe me dell? yeah, cuz sitting on the phone with you for an hour five times in a week is what gets me off. let me put you on hold, i have to change my pants. fuckers.

during the last call, the guy was trying to get me to take out the hard drive and memory cards. despite the fact that there's a sticker on the memory card which says "warranty void if removed," 7-11 assured me it was ok. however, the cards wouldn't pop out. he insisted there was a screw on my computer where there was not one. way to know your own computers, dell help. everyone says dell help is rated well, so i'd like to clarify. the dell help network is huge, yes. but just ask the ladies, bigger is not always better. it can be, if they know how to use it. unfortunately, dell is as impotent as tom cruise around women.

i got dell to agree to fix my computer if i send it in to them. however, to do this i had to yell at the help guy and his supervisor. every call they asked for my name, address, email, etc etc. but when i give them the case number, they should have that shit. why do you ask me if you dont put it into your file? for shits and giggles? enough. and i'm fully aware that neither of these two men is responsible for the horrible mess that is my computer, but i dont feel bad yelling at them whatsoever. here's why.

dell, the company, is set up as to avoid all responsibility. they sell computers online, but do not have real stores. they outsource much of their help, and on more than several occasions my calls have been mysteriously "disconnected." and i've just had it with them. sure, that guy didnt make my piece of shit, but if he's the only one i can talk to, then you damn well better believe i'm holding him accountable. and if that means screaming until i get them to fix my computer (which is well under warranty) then i will scream.

if they dont like listening to it, then dont work for dell. work for someone else who outsources. if they consider being yelled at as "shitty" then go get yourself another shitty job. they're out there, dont worry. but if you work for dell and you give me the runaround, dont expect me to remain patient. because i wont. it's not my fault the outsourced employees talk in circles and read from a script. there's no one else to turn to. the recording doesnt say "press 3 to talk to someone who actually speaks and understands english." so i'm going to yell and scream until you stand behind your shitty product. i'm already missing work because of it, and now i might not have my computer for the beginning of school. the guy said 5-6 days, and when i asked "to fix it?" he said 4-5 days, then 5-6 days, so who fucking knows. i just said "it better not be 6 weeks" and he said it wouldnt. it better not be, or i'll be on the phone every goddamn day.

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also, my credit card expired in july. i called the company since i still havent gotten the replacement, and they said they mailed it july 20. well, now i dont have a fucking credit card, and i'm gone for the weekend. i despise paying in cash and using debit cards. as my credit card company, you had 2 years notice of when my card would expire. how fucking hard is it to send it with a little advanced notice? not fucking hard. fucking morons.

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and now, the good. this morning on the way to work, this woman was driving like a slow asshole in the left lane, so naturally i rode her ass so she would move it. she then stuck her hand out the window pushing the air, signaling me to back up. i flipped her off. finally, she pulls aside and as i pass she's yelling and screaming and motioning out the window, none of which i can hear because my music was up loud. so i just looked at her, smiled, and flipped her off again. it felt wonderful.

well i'm off to the dirty south for the weekend for one of my college roommates' birthdays. there will be some beer, some beaches, and some golf. should be fun. plus to get down there, scott and i are taking the ferry. that will provide us with endless enjoyment i'm sure.

hilarious

dominique made a motivational poster that's definitely worth a link. you wish you were that funny.

stalktastic

Larceny and I discovered our combined interest in that wonderful online stalker-fest that is MySpace. She is new to it, as a friend of hers told her she needed to “get with it” and join. I am more of a veteran. These are our stories. (Add the little Law and Order ending to that in your head)

Larceny:

So I joined and spent a good two hours setting up a profile. Which I was happy to learn wasn’t too difficult. I decided to set my profile to private (I know this annoys Dicta) for one very specific reason: I knew all my HS friends were on this thing, and many of them would be curious about me and want to read my profile. I didn’t really care if anyone else looked, but this was the purpose. Apparently, this has caused a lot of anguish for some of my old high school “friends.” You see, I added one high school friend at first whom I still keep in constant contact with. Well, when she put my profile on her own, I had 80 hits to my profile in one day. Why you ask? Well, to some of my old high school chums I have enjoyed a kind of mystery. So when they saw that profile on other high school friend's sites, apparently they got excited that they would finally find out what I turned out to be (a bitch, same as in high school people) but then clicked on it and read “This user has set their profile to private.” Hah – so in order to look at it they had to ask to be my friend. I know this is not mature, and I’m at peace with that. It’s kinda a passive aggressive way of getting revenge on people you disliked in high school, while at the same time finding their profiles that they did not set to private and learn about how much lamer they really have become.

A day later, a high school friend (whom I actually did like back in high school and was a good guy) asked to be my friend. I clicked on his profile and was barraged with images of porn stars. Lots of them. He had porn star photos, clips from movie scenes, links to “Hot Asian Ladies” websites, and summaries of his favorites. Also, all of his pictures were of him standing next to cardboard cut-outs of porn stars (okay, honestly, who actually buys those things, and where. Do they have conventions or something, because that is what it looked like in the pic) as well as picture after picture of various weapons. Knives, guns, etc. Also, he was very proud of his Nascar jacket. What is a LawBitch to do? So I messaged him back and asked if he had gone crazy in just a few years. I wasn’t really joking. So ensued the Larceny stalking. He proceeded to ask my why I hadn’t added him yet (cause you’re freaking me out dude, and the knives might have something to do with it, I’m not as worried about the porn). He then asked where I was, if I was dating anyone, if I still had that “hot” dance uniform (I proceeded to gag here) and whether or not I’d be back in town so we could “get together.” I thought I should just tell him I was a lesbian or something, but that would have just made him happier I think. So I told him I was going to be a lawyer. Apparently, not too much a fan of the lawyers. Musta dealt with a few in the past. It was either the weapons or the porn.

Dicta:

Story 1 - the instant messenger stalker
Out of the blue one day when I’m reading some property law I get an IM from one saraac84 (the name has not been changed to protect the douchebaggedness) that reads "ur practically a celebrity at this point." First, I hate when people type "u" or "ur" instead of you/your/you're. Seriously, how much harder is it to type the word? It would probably take me longer to train myself to type the abbreviations than it is worth. But I digress.

So I IM this girl back to find out what her deal is, how she knows me, and why i may or may not be a celebrity. She blocks me. So the next time she unblocks me I get a little more abrasive. Blocked again. This dance continues for a while until I just forget about her altogether (I’m sure I’m not the first).

A YEAR LATER, a friend who I’d mentioned this to IMs me and says "you're in saraac84's away message." Surely, I thought this was a joke. So I checked, and sure enough, I was. Wow. WOW. So I IM'd her, and she actually talked to me for a little. I got a few things out of her, from which I was able to figure out her name and college, and I was able to find her webshots, facebook profile, myspace profile, and cell phone number (which we may or may not have called during debauchery). All of this could have been avoided had she just told me how she knew me/got my screenname, but she refused...and now she will pay.


Story 2 - MySpace
Many of us here in the blogosphere try to remain anonymous, or at least semi-anonymous. I clearly fall into the latter category as I occasionally post pictures of myself, my girlfriend, and my friends on the blog, but I don’t go out of my way to post my name, and certainly not my last name. But I do bitch about my law school and I’m sure between that and sitemeter people could figure out where I go.

I briefly created a screenname for my blog identity, and several fellow bloggers would occasionally IM me. But it got to be too much, and I realized that I don’t really desire to talk on IM with people I don’t know and probably won’t meet, so I unlinked the screenname and haven’t used it since. I’ll stick to communications via blog and email, which I can respond to at my own leisurely pace and not feel bombarded by.

Well, walking tort took this one step further and proceeded to stalk out my myspace profile. Granted, I do leave clues in my blog as to where I am, but it still must take some amount of time to put it all together, run thru the search of my school, and locate me. Sketchy. In a brief moment of weakness I accepted the friend invite, not wanting to offend a fellow blogger. I generally don’t care about this, so I don’t know why I did then. Either way, I accepted.

Subsequently, there was this whole ordeal when I just stated the obvious (that pennsylvania really really sucks), after which I de-friended her on myspace and unlinked her on coalm. I know enough crazy people in real life, and I don’t need any more. Sometimes enough is enough.


Stalkers, let me make one thing clear: should you stalk me, I will stalk you back, and I will do a better job than you did. And you wont like it.

And now, our Top 10 MySpace Faux Pas (in no particular order):

1. Dont make a lame profile name, and especially don’t put one like, “Horniest M-Fer” (We’re sure your future employer will be so happy you’re so horny) for guys or “Lucky Charm” for girls (Larceny: To that girl, I thought you were a stripper after I saw that name).
2. Stop writing politically motivated bulletins trying to get people to "change the world." Honestly, look at yourself. You're on MySpace. Please.
3. Stop posting your cell phone numbers on people’s comment pages. They’re there for all the world to see, and any creepy perv, including Larceny and Dicta, can call you. And people get mad at MySpace for dangerous situations, someone should talk to the dumbass 14 year olds that put their contact info all over the f-ing place.
4. If you are under 21 (and put that on your profile) stop posting pictures of you drunk and passed out. Also, “this is me, totally fucked up on coke and beer” is not a good headline for a picture unless you want to see the inside of a rehab clinic when the cops find it (yes, they do look through this website for illegal activity, and no, you can’t claim privacy when it’s online for all the world to see.)
5. Don’t put 80 of those picture slideshows on your page. It freezes our sucky-ass Dell computers, and we don’t want to have to call the pricks at Dell and explain that one.
6. Your silly myspace pic taken at an angle doesn't fool anyone--you're fat and ugly, and we know it
7. No need to post pictures of you making out with your significant other. Pics of them are fine, but you needed a hotel room and no one else wanted to see it. If we wanted to see you at your worst we’d sleep with your mom and imagine it was something like that.
8. If you're not funny, don’t try to be. Not everybody is funny, and it's ok if you're not. Make your profile in the manner that suits who you are. (This should apply to blogs too), unless of course who you are is a coke-addicted 14 year old with a penchant to show half naked pictures of yourself. Then, contact a shrink immediately and find out what the fuck is wrong with you.
9. Myspace is not a friend contest. Don’t add us because you "used to know us" or we went to high school together but never talked. If you're that desperate for a friend, then we don’t want to be one.
10. Last but definitely not least, if you’re going to stalk us, anyone, at least be creative, amusing and entertaining like the above people. While we complain and bitch (come on, what did you expect?), you “stalkers” entertained us. We hate boring stalkers, they leave us with no stories such as these, and we bloggers are in constant need of material. So kudos to our stalkers for keeping us on our toes.