well trained, or alternatively, i couldn't make this shit up

irene and paul have a granddaughter named cheyenne who stops by fairly frequently with her mother. cheyenne is probably about 5yrs old and has taken a liking to santos. every time she sees me she asks if santos is coming out to play soon. she was here this afternoon after i got out from my exam, and i took santos out for a bit because i have a weakness for cute little kids (i hate ugly kids though).

during the time, cheyenne played with santos and i talked with irene and her daughter. irene spent the 5-10 mins filling me in on her conversation with butch from yesterday. apparently irene was just nodding and saying yes so that butch would go away. not only that, but she hates butch as well as mary. but she also added 2 new bits of info, at least new to me.

first, a suspicion that dominique and i had has been confirmed. irene paused mid-conversation, looked at me, and said, "you know she's a dyke now?" dominique and i have guessed that mary was a lesbian, particularly once butch became a regular here. suffice it to say that the walls between mary's bathroom and irene's bathroom are "very thin," and irene hears conversations (and probably other stuff) she doesn't want to.

it gets worse. i've already mentioned how i accidentally saw mary naked (vomit) and how butch is not at all ashamed of her body (however, both really really should be). well apparently our landlord came by to mary's apartment to tell her that butch can't stay there and live with her (i think butch has her own place somewhere in town, but is here all the time so i'm not sure) and butch answered the door without a shirt on. our landlord (john) then came running into irene's apartment and was all pale-faced and apologized but said he had to get in there quickly after what he'd just seen. then irene tells me that she also sat out at the picnic table without a shirt on and jordan, irene's 17yr old son, came running into the apartment all grossed out after seeing this the other day. next time the cops are getting a call.

the other new thing i learned revolves around this retarded looking kid who hangs out with mary and butch. when i say retarded i dont mean that he's down with downs, but he definitely doesn't look right. well apparently he and butch were sitting out at the picnic table talking the other night and irene overheard them talking about how he's schizophrenic. as in he actually has multiple personalities to the point where he even beats himself up sometimes (think fight club). apparently his arm is all bruised from when one of his personalities decided to fuck up one of the other ones. personally, i'd fuck them all up.

so tonight after dinner irene, her daughter, cheyenne, mary, butch, and two older people i dont know who had a little girl with them (i think they were with mary and butch) were all outside. it was like a fucking circus sideshow out there, really. i cant make this shit up people. so i took santos out and cheyenne came over to the yard to play with him after he took care of business. the other little girl (tessa) followed cheyenne out there. cheyenne began picking some flowers and urged tessa to do the same. tessa was hesitant, probably because santos is a big dog, not because she didn't want to pick the flowers. cheyenne, however, must've assumed that tessa was afraid mary would yell at her for picking the flowers (because mary is the yard nazi), and yelled over to tessa, "it's ok, mary's actually being nice today."

kids are so honest it's great. and cheyenne is one well trained kid.

the gross and the restless

my apartment building is somewhat of a soap opera, and i suppose it's partly my fault. i did leave a note on mary's door telling her that she needs to keep her cats inside. i didn't sign it.

fast forward to today. i'm taking santos outside, and irene (the toothless lady with the speech impediment, who is really nice) started getting into it with mary's butch (lesbian lover?) friend. it seems as though after i left the note, mary left one back on irene and paul's door that was pretty mean. then paul (irene's husband) left one back on mary's door. and now they're fighting. (though they were debating whether mary left a note on their door before i left the note, in which case my note would be irrelevant).

however, it should be noted that paul and irene have hated mary pretty much since she moved in. i've been here the longest (kill me now), then paul and irene, then mary. they've always argued with her, because she's sloppy, gross, dirty, smelly, and a cunt. paul has always told me that if mary gives me any trouble to let him know, because he's got my back and he works for our landlord.

i thought about joining the conversation when i was outside. i got pulled over to them because santos lacks a selectivity gene and went to butch and irene to be pet. but i didnt interject because it quickly became apparent that the argument was about much more than just the notes. stuff i didnt even know about, stuff that didnt have anything to do with me. i figured, i'm out of here in a week and a half, just ride it out.

irene and butch seem to have resolved the issue for now, but irene said she's still pissed at mary. and who wouldnt be. she's a hypocrite. for all the bitching she does about our dogs, her cats run loose, pissing and shitting all over the place. they attract other cats and even some dogs which do the same. she leave piles of trash outside in the common area. mary sucks.

*ring ring*
"hello, pot? this is kettle. you're black."

wag the dog

another incident with mary. some of you may be sick of reading about it. that concerns me...not at all. i write for me.

but i finally let her know she pisses me off. i took the dog out today after lunch right before i was going to go back to school for my final 2 classes of the day, and meanwhile mary and jd (another hick neighbor, his actual residence uncertain) were outside at the picnic table talking. well, santos and i walk down the stairs and to the sidewalk leading to the backyard. he walks onto the grass, and crosses over the tiniest corner of the area mary had seeded and covered to regrow grass. all of a sudden i can hear mary,

"don't let him walk on the new grass! thANK you." bitchiest tone ever.

i ignored her and kept my back to them. santos finishes up, and we walk back up towards the stairs. he's excited at the sight of mary and jd because dogs lack the selectivity gene. he wants to go over and have them pet him. i pull the leash gently, then loudly and not-so-gently say, "santos, upstairs. i have to go to class now." i totally ignored mary and jd.

we walked up the stairs and to my door. when we went inside, i slammed the door. slammed it. once inside and out of earshot, i made sure santos knew he was good and i wasnt upset with him. then i packed up my things and left for class. when i walked outside, i completely ignored them again. mary knew i was mad at her. it was dead silent out, something it never is at my place. they didnt say a word. i didnt look at them.

i didnt have time or the desire at this point to get into any verbal altercation, but if she starts anything i will not back down. i will also mention how she needs to keep her fucking cats inside or on a leash if she's going to tell me what to do with my dog. still, i'm not going to listen. she will never tell me what to do, especially when my actions are already well within the realm of reasonableness.

i'm still really mad. and i miss my old neighbors, law students. what does that tell you?


POST-CLASS UPDATE:
(taking santos out. mary rides up on her bike)
"seriously, [dicta]. i just planted grass there."
"no, you planted grass there (points to other side of lawn)."
"but, it's the nitrogen is what does it. it's like fertilizer, only stronger. only, it kills it."
"that's great..." (walks away, blatantly ignoring)

the final fuck you

it's official! i'm out of pennsyltucky, one of the shittiest states in the country. it's all over. i'm out and my shit is out. and damn it feels good (not to mention clean).

but i didn't leave quietly. flash back 3 years and i was living in south carolina. downstairs was an apartment full of illegal mexican immigrants who were never sober and often smoked crack (that's not an exaggeration). i was somewhat friendly with the oldest mexican. he was probably in his 60s and was the only one who could speak any english. i used to loan him a couple movies at a time for them to watch. well one day, one of those goddamn mexicans took off, taking a bunch of my movies with him. i never said or did anything to those guys, and i've regretted it ever since. that wasn't about to happen again.

back to this weekend. in my short absence, a third lesbian moved in with mary and butch (let's call her butch 2 because while she is not morbidly obese like butch 1, she is definitely butch). and in the last, previously vacant apartment, now lives a man far sketchier than jd or jeff ever were. while we were moving my shit into the truck, mary was cutting the old neighbor lady's hair at the picnic table, and butch 2 was wiping down mary's face with a towel. it was vomit inducing.

i made a decision a few weeks ago--i was not about to let this turn into a sequel of the situation with the mexicans. so i did what any law school graduate would think to do; i wrote a strongly worded letter, and placed it in mary's mailbox right before i got into the truck, flipped off the town, and left it forever. here's the letter to mary, word for word:

Mary:

We have been neighbors for the past year, and I must admit that I am very pleased to see this arrangement come to an end.

You are a hypocrite. From as far back as October you have tried to tell me where I could and could not walk Santos. In the meantime, your cats roam freely throughout the neighborhood, causing cat fights at night, going to the bathroom all over our yard (and sidewalk), and attracting other cats and dogs who did the same. At least I picked up Santos’ poop, which is more than I can say you did for any of your cats.

I routinely (and nicely) asked you to keep the cats inside because they either hissed at Santos or distracted him when I would take him out to get him to go to the bathroom. You simply ignored all of my polite requests.

You are inconsiderate. Besides blatantly ignoring me, there have been times you put your cat on a leash and tied it to the pole of the stairs. This made passing directly by the cat unavoidable. You blocked one way around the stairs with boxes, bikes, tables, stolen shopping carts, and other piles of garbage. Then you hung windchimes in the only other passageway to my stairs. As if that weren’t enough, you placed three plants on the steps up to my apartment.

Another aspect of consideration is keeping private things private. Neither you nor your girlfriend should ever walk around the common area topless or naked. You should close the doors and shades if you walk around your apartment naked. On multiple occasions, our neighbors, John, and I have inadvertently seen things that were absolutely offensive. You were not at all respectful to your neighbors, yet you demanded the utmost respect from us. It is no coincidence that you did not get it.

You are lazy. Get a job. No one believes that you can’t work when you spend so much time outside gardening and being a yard Nazi. Furthermore, just because you have nothing to do, you should not assume the rest of us can stop our day for idle chatter every time we pass. But if you must, do not ask stupid questions. If I am bringing my golf clubs from the car to the house do not ask me if I’m going golfing.

Soon you will have new neighbors. I strongly suggest that you significantly adjust your attitude and behavior because not everyone is as permissive as I have been over the last year. You have been the worst neighbor I have ever had by far, and as bad as you thought this year might have been, I can assure you it will only get worse if you continue to be as stubborn, irresponsible, obnoxious, demanding, inconsiderate, and intrusive as you are now.

I never thought I would be this happy to move away from a place, but this only makes it that much sweeter. For everyone’s sake, I hope you have learned from this experience. Goodbye forever, Mary. I will certainly not miss you.

[dicta]

you can find (much) more on mary here.

today is a wonderful, wonderful day.

did you know shopping carts cost $300 apiece?

neither did i. but you learn something new everyday.

there's a weis market on the opposite side of the block on which i live. there's a stream in the way however, so you can't walk directly to it, but rather must go around on the sidewalk. i don't shop there because it has a crappy selection of crappy old products at crappy prices. but mary does. and oftentimes she just wheels the damn shopping carts right on home. and leaves them either out front on the sidewalk or in the community area in back. and that's why we have a problem.

she did this very thing again last week. it looks really trashy having a shopping cart in the back (not that this place isn't trashy anyway, but that's not the point here), and especially when she just leaves it in the middle of the patio area. i let it go for a couple days, figuring she'd return it, but it has just sat there. come to find out, she almost never returns them. usually, our neighbor paul brings them back in his truck. so add lazy and irresponsible to crazy, annoying, fat, smelly, and gross as ways to describe mary. not that you couldnt glean lazy and irresponsible from the fact that she doesn't work, but whatever.

so finally i had it. paul shouldn't have to return it. mary should just not bring them home. if she doesn't buy a lot one time, she should just carry the bags home. and if she does, well she allegedly has a car now, so if she really doesn't want to carry them she can use that. the point is, i dont want to see that shit around here all the time (sometimes in the way), nor do i want to be held responsible should someone find it (we were almost all fined a few months ago because mary kept a bunch of random shit outside in the community area...though i certainly wouldn't have paid, nor would i have had to i'm sure).

so i called weis and told them. cuz i've had it with mary and all her shit. i've just had it. i hate her, and i hate all the shit she pulls. and she tries to act all nice and sweet so you cant get mad at her, but it's not working for me anymore. no way.

the weis guy was really appreciative, and described the process to me. it now goes something like this:

step 1: verbal warning directly to the customer (cut a hole in a box)
step 2: citation (put your junk in that box)
step 3: hopefully mary learns her lesson (let her open the box)

and that's the way you do it.



1215 UPDATE: i just got home from a night of poker to find a second shopping cart in the common area, stacked inside the first like it was at weis. this is not going to work for me.

i feel like barfing tonight, like barfing tonight. or alternatively, control your pussy part 2

tonight might very well have been the most frightening night of my life, and it's not even halloween yet. it started out like any other...i did some work, got ready to watch the mlb playoffs. the night game was rained out, so i decided to watch LOST. as it was coming on, santos was making it quite evident that he needed to go outside, so i took him during the first commercial break.

being after 9pm it was quite dark out, and the moon was on the other side of my building, making it even darker. the only direct light was the one outside my door up on my second floor porch. my eyes hadnt fully adjusted yet as santos and i were walking down the steps, so i was concentrating on not falling. i heard voices out in the street, and i looked up to see if i could see the people. just then, i saw something jump out of the corner of my left eye and it really caught me off guard.

it was just mary's cat, which had been sitting in her window. but it was right then that what is sure to haunt me for a long time happened--i saw mary thru her window where the cat had been...and she was completely butt ass naked. and she was facing the window.

it's hard to fully grasp this situation without knowing or having ever seen mary, but i assure you, and dominique can attest to this inasmuch as she's seen mary before, it was absolutely terrifying. once my mind registered what i had actually seen i immediately looked away, but it was far too late. the damage had already been done. i spent the majority of the next hour cowering in the corner of my apartment furthest from the door, shivering. santos tried to play tug with his rope and make me feel better, but it's hard to be comforted by someone who licks his own balls. it's like a child seeking out a priest after he's been molested. the idea seems good in theory, but it just doesnt work. i might never sleep again.

please excuse me while i go wash my eyes out with bleach.

now it's just creepy

so last weekend butch officially moved in with mary. to top it off, there's the possibility that at least mary (and maybe butch) have adopted the retarded looking schizophrenic kid. i heard mary tell someone on the phone that she was his adopted mother. and i think he might be living there with them, because i just took santos outside and heard butch yell up the stairs that it was "lights out time."

i'm really embarassed to have family here for graduation. this place is so ridiculously retarded.

a new found respect

last night i went to dinner with 2 friends from school and 1 friend who graduated from this law school last year. one of my friends works at a local dive bar in town. let me rephrase that, since every bar in town is a dive bar. she works at a townie bar. wait, they all--fuck it, you get the point.

anyway, she works there a few nights a week, so she knows the regulars. two of these regulars happen to be my crazy ass neighbors, jd and jeff. outside being backward alcoholic hicks who repeat everything they say if you dont acknowledge it and make terrible jokes, they're really not so bad. they're both nice enough and friendly, and i dont have a problem with either. my new found respect for them comes from the fact that even they realize that mary is absolutely ridiculous, and they refer to her as "crazy mary." see, it's not just me. even drunk hicks can recognize that mary is crazy. that's a special kind of crazy.

also, if you go to the above-linked post, dominique's prediction was exactly right. excuse me while i go vomit up my lunch.

recent happenings

matt got a job. good job matt.

dominique visited for the weekend. it was both fun and relaxing. too bad it was cold outside and even snowed a couple days, albeit without accumulation. i've said it before and i'll say it again: global warming my ass.

zombie jesus came back to life and gave me the flu on easter.

i've got a bunch to do between now and tomorrow at 2pm.

damon, did you have svedka vodka while in sweden? i got some in honor of you.

trying to find an apt, job.

mary's gross (roommate?) friend who's been staying with her who is even fatter than mary and is very butch. she doesnt have a problem with her body. she should have a problem with her body. once she was sitting in her underwear in a chair by the door in full view as i walk down my steps and just said hi to me as if nothing was wrong. another time she was just walking around topless and gross. law students make me vomit daily, i dont need this too. i think i'm going to have to call animal control on the cats soon just out of principle now.

peacin out to see dominique this weekend one last time before all that finals nonsense. it's gonna be sweet. i need it.

i'm tired.

and i laugh all the way to hell, saying yes this is a fine promotion

it had to be done, so i stepped up and did it. i left a note on mary's door telling her that she needs to keep her cats inside or else animal control would be called. besides being a general hassle when i take santos outside (hissing at him, and/or distracting him so he doesn't get his shit done, literally), they attract other stray cats and some dogs into the area, who then shit in our yard and it never gets cleaned up. and my neighbor paul has told me that the cats also will jump on the cars and leave paw prints. this hasn't happened to my car yet, but this is no longer the 7 year old corolla--i'm not willing to wait around until it happens.

the only thing that i didn't do that i maybe should have was sign the note. but i didn't do this for at least 2 reasons: 1) i pretty much speak for all of our neighbors, at least on our side of the building, who all hate the cats and wish they didn't exist, and 2) selfishly, i am out of this horrid place in 2 weeks now and i really just don't want to ever have another interaction with disgustingly gross mary for the rest of my life. i used to occasionally be pleasant and say hi, but after she went into (lazy/gross/smelly) bitch mode, i just ignore her when i walk right past, and if she says hi i just kind of mumble something. even i'm not sure what.

anyway, even though it's unsigned i hope she doesn't think it's a joke, because i will call animal control. cats are so worthless.

the grammys

by grammys i dont mean a bunch of elderly women gathered together in a room, but it's about as entertaining as that.

why are the grammys SO bad? i mean, i knew they would be bad, all these fake ass awards shows are. but it's really the r&b/soul awards this year. where are good bands? this is supposed to be for all music, no? or is it just for r&b?

so far i've seen the black eyed peas looking like complete assholes up on stage. why was that one guy wearing a scarf? and why are they all wearing sunglasses? i think stevie wonder is the only blind guy there. as far as tone deaf goes, well that's another story (again, see black eyed peas). also why was mary j blige on stage twice within 10 mins? i didnt even know she was still alive! i think i was in middle school the last time she had a hit. she might be deaf too, actually...when the music starts shut the fuck up and move your giant ass off the stage bitch.

and why does john mayer look like a cheesy lounge singer?

so i flip over during a family guy commercial break and who is presenting but seal. i'm sorry, SEAL?!! what, did everyone who's been performing in the last 15 years call in sick?

also, who are these hos who want to sing with justin timberlake? why should anyone care about them, and even more, why should anyone pay money to text who should sing with him? if they're not doing a duet of "dick in a box" i'm sure it's not even going to be worth it.

ok, mary j just sang, and now my ears are bleeding. at the end of her performance she was crying though, which leads me to believe maybe she knew how i felt.

and now reba is on and they're talking about country music. wow, this went from BET to redneckfest real fast.

aaaaaand the rascal flatts just made me hate the eagles. boo. and that guy sounds like a woman. wait, i stand corrected, they all do. oh my god, the singer broke out a fucking air guitar! now i'm just waiting for them to start ass raping each other on stage. oh...my...god...please make them stop right now.

now some old guy is making a plea to keep funding for music in the school systems. it sounds very desperate. it's one thing if kids like it, but i remember being forced to join chorus, forced to play the recorder, forced to be in concerts...all it got me was resentment towards those programs.

ok i havent really been watching anymore. so i'm done here. way too late. even the commercials in the middle are lame. i want the last 3 hours of my life back.

one last thing in hindsight. i think i heard that they only presented 18 of 108 awards on the televised program. in three hours. THREE hours, and only 18 awards. honestly, who did the tv editing? if i lived in another country and was under the impression that americans actually liked this shit, i would have lost a ton of respect for us tonight.

the price is wrong, bitch

bob barker's onto something. pets need to be spayed or neutered.

i was walking back from the bar last night and talking to dominique on the phone, when a cat started meowing at me when i was about 2 blocks from my apartment. despite absolutely despising mary, her cats, and the other strays around my apartment, i was nice to this cat and stopped to pet it. it liked it and purred a lot. after a minute i walked back to my apartment.

the cat followed me. and it had to figure out how to go around my building too, because the way i went in has a door that shuts. it came up onto my porch and stood at my door, meowing. and meowing. and meowing. i closed the inside door, but it wouldnt stop. i went out and pet it again for a minute, and the motherfucker bit me! so then i went back inside and slammed the door in its face. i could still hear it through the door from inside my apartment. i banged on the door a few times, but that didn't help either. finally, i just went to bed.

well, when i got up this morning, what was sitting out on my porch meowing at me? that fucking cat. i can't take it anymore with all the fucking cats. first mary's cats, then there's another one, plus at least 2 other strays, now this one. well, that's it, i've had it. if all these damn cats are roaming around here tomorrow, animal control is getting a phone call. the last thing i want hanging out in the yard, bothering santos and me is a bunch of filthy...cats.

here's a picture of the little bastard...this thing is pure evil:




i made it the whole post without a pussy joke. never question my willpower again. never.

catfight (not the good kind)

i just heard a very loud shriek outside, and thought maybe one of my neighbors had tripped and fallen. naturally, i went outside onto my porch (whether it was to help or just see is debatable). but there was no one outside.

i looked down the end of my porch, and there were 2 cats there. there's a black and white stray that hangs around our yard, but runs away when people are outside. however, it's not at all afraid of other cats, particularly mary's cats.

why mary leaves her cats outside is beyond me, but now it's pissing me off even more. she needs to control her goddamn cats. one has hissed at santos before, and i dont want him getting scratched. but also, it's just fucking cruel now. these cats have fought before, and now her cat is missing fur a couple places on its back from where the other cat scratched it just now. i went over to the cat to see if it was ok, and it was so afraid and ran down my porch even more. finally i cornered it, which is when i saw the missing fur. but honestly, this cat is scratched and now afraid of everything, just because she didnt keep it in her fucking apartment. how are people like this allowed to have pets? good thing she doesnt have kids.

situations like this place me squarely in favor of involuntary sterilization.

case of the mondays

oh it's definitely monday. woke up freezing as fuck. but i refuse to turn my heat on because i also refuse to pay the gas company over $400/mo. maybe it's time to go purchase the space heater. also, despite a full night's sleep, i was so tired when i got up. and reality set in. dominique's gone, it's back to school, back to work, etc.

normally its not so bad, but this year i'm just going thru the motions at school. between school and working at a law firm, i've become pretty turned off to the notion of practicing law. i probably wont take the bar. i almost certainly wont take it next july. classes often bore me, with rare interesting topics sprinkled in. most often, these are things i can get into philosophically...so really it has no application to law school itself. lame.

i also realized that my blogrolling hasnt been working, and it doesnt tell me when other blogs are updated. so i tried to logon and it told me i need to either login or create an account, which i have obviously already done. so i told it to email me my password. it hasnt. piece of shit.

finally, my stupid neighbors need to realize that the LAST thing i want to do before 9am is stand out in the freezing cold and make nonsensical small talk. i know you dont have jobs, but i do have school. and i dont wake up 4 hours early to just sit around and talk or waste time. i wake up with enough time to shower, take the dog out, maybe eat (most likely in the car), and go to class. and it doesnt help that you're crazy.

so this morning, the lady downstairs who cant control her cats (let's call her mary) tried to start up a conversation when santos ran over to her when we were outside. seriously, the only problem with friendly dogs like santos is that they're too stupid to differentiate between normal people and sketchy-as-shit people, aka my neighbors. anyway, mary's cats were apparently outside again. there are also a couple of other cats, probably strays, who hang out by our backyard/parking area. well, evidently, one of the strays got into a catfight with one of her cats, and cut it's eye and tail. while i sort of feel sorry for the cat, i sort of dont at all. if she could be responsible and take care of her damn cats it would be fine. and it might also be the cat that was hissing at santos, in which case i almost kicked it myself. i will protect my dog. i dont want him to be the one with the scratched eye.

time to start working for next weekend...

movin' on up (to the east side?)

it was only a matter of time. dominique and i are searching for a new apartment.

we want to stay in the same general area because it's close to her work. i have a 20 min ride, which i don't mind. i enjoy the time in the morning to wake up and listen to a little music.

but this apartment has really gotten to me (us). in the beginning, much to everyone's surprise, i was patient about everything. in the first couple months, dominique already had the foresight to dislike certain aspects of the living situation. i had the same foolish optimism that i so often mock, insisting that things would get better. and to some small extent, i was right. it did get a little better. but that doesn't mean it ever became good.

certain things about the apartment are good. it's big. it's in a decent location/neighborhood. the rent is cheap and includes heat. but the sucky is starting to outweigh the good.

the parking sucks. it's a daily pain in the ass (sometimes at least twice). parking cars, getting cars out of the driveway. having to call people you dont want to call, people who don't want to be called. and vice versa. staying up late every weeknight. our daily routine has become an adjustment to suit other people. at first it was just a new experience. it was living in the city. now that the novelty has worn off, it is what it is--a pain in the fucking ass. everyday. every goddamn day. right now even. this very second as i type, dominique is receiving disappointing news on the phone from the neighbors. oh great, one of the dumb cunts parked in the middle of the fucking driveway and then went out drinking. her roommate doesn't know when she'll come home, or if anyone else will. right now all the cars left would fit in the driveway, unless others come home. it's not that i necessarily want to go to sleep now, but i'd like to go to bed. maybe watch the daily show/colbert report, or good eats. whatever. but i don't want to be sitting here on the couch waiting for some drunk slut to come home to pass out. on a monday. this is our fucking daily routine.

besides that, there are landlord issues. they don't affect the day-to-day stuff, but they're there. promised improvements or repairs that have never happened. a feeling that she's the type to try to fuck us out of the security deposit. when we moved in, she charged us first month/last month/security deposit, which is technically illegal here. landlords cannot require all 3. that's just as much our fault for not knowing the law at the time as it is hers for either not knowing it or ignoring it. the last month money is already gone, so now that it's paid it'll be nice when the last month comes and we don't need to pay the rent.

given my general distaste for complete strangers, i think i've survived fairly well in the city. and we'll still live here, or in this general area. but we'll find a place with more privacy (hopefully). if nothing else, we hopefully will not have to call someone to get our car out to get to work in the morning. or dealing with people asking to use our new grill then not covering it or scraping the shit off or showing any sign of appreciation or respect for someone else's shit. or having people throw cigarette butts out the 2nd story window to our front steps and where they know our dogs walk. or all of this together. everyday.

and the real kicker is that overall, we might have even been a bit lucky with the neighbors we had. it's obvious we need our own place. a more private one. i mean, between the alcoholic movie-stealing mexicans in south carolina, mary in pennsyltucky, and this, i have quite a track record with neighbors.

graduations galore

the last week and a half has been ridiculous. nonstop motion. i graduated 2 saturdays ago, and my family and dominique came down. the weather held up, and there was a nice picnic afterwards. it was a relief to get it all over with, though i still don't feel like i'm really done.

then i packed for a couple days (that's what she said), and headed up to dominique's for her graduation. a group of bomb techs was in town for a course at dominique's school, so we went out with friends and those guys each night during the week. on tuesday night we were outside at this bar when all of a sudden it got really windy. the gust was so strong that it knocked over full bottles of beer and a full tray of 20 irish carbombs. luckily, they were replaced. the other 40 carbombs were delivered inside and managed to stay upright until it was time to be imbibed. on wednesday night we got dinner and drinks at bdubs, probably the greatest restaurant ever. thursday, dominique's friends had a party at their apartment. friday, we had some drinks with dominique's mom at the hotel then headed to dinner. from there we met friends at the bar.

on saturday, dominique graduated!! woohoo! the ceremony was nice. the auditorium looked really nice and the speeches weren't bad. we went to a big dinner at a nice restaurant with some other families, and then headed to one of the professor's houses for drinks afterwards. it was a good time.

today i ventured back to new england, where i'll be hanging out for the week ($1 drafts tomorrow!). already have some plans so i'm pretty excited about it. then this weekend is the big move...getting my stuff out of pennsyltucky forever! i can't wait. when i left the state today i immediately felt my IQ jump at least 20 points. i've only been gone for hours and already i feel like a new, cleaner person. it's wonderful. i will miss nothing about it.

so, blogging has resumed. the lack has been due to all the fun stuff i've been up to and also a lack of internet. while the fun stuff will continue, the lack of internet (and blogging) will not. and for those concerned, there will be at least 1 more post to wrap up my relationship with mary. then i will leave pennsyltucky behind forever...except when i travel outside new england, since it's such a big useless cockblock to the rest of the country.

i'm a believer

in karma. just kidding, some things never change. but 2 things happened today that almost made me question my non-belief. almost.

1) my school is closed tomorrow. i dont have friday classes so it doesnt affect me, but it's funny. it's funny because my school's brilliant administration decided to change buildings this year from a nice, comfortable, spacious, loved building with a central convenient location to a building in the north end of town that is cold, unwelcoming, not conducive to a school, hated, and right across the street from a huge truckstop. all the bad weather pennsyltucky has been getting combined with the fact that apparently the invention known as the snowplow has yet to reach pennsylvania has made for tons of accidents all over eastern and central pennsylvania. despite the fact that it hasn't snowed since wednesday, my school is still closed tomorrow because all the traffic means severely limited access to the road our new school building is on. it seems as though so many trucks had to stop because of the traffic that the road will be unnavigable. smart move, administration. way to be across from a truckstop.

2) this morning i was walking to my rental car to go to school when this guy who frequently visits my old neighbor next door (i think he's her son) called over the fence and asked me if i had a car. i said i did, and he asked if i would help jump his truck. he had cables, so i agreed. he was a nice enough guy, and he thanked me several times. then, after his car started he told me a little story i hadnt heard yet. he told me that mary bought a car yesterday (how i dont know, i dont think she works unless she's a prostitute which is a possibility, though i still dont know how she brings in any money even if that's the case). then he told me she also wrecked it yesterday.

non-recommended pre-wedding ritual: bumfights

seattle was...interesting. we touched down around noon western time on friday, which was cool except that the bride to be thought she was picking us up at 3pm. after an hour and a half of not answering the phone/texts, she calls us back and tells us ok, it'll be a half hour. i'm starving, so we go inside. as soon as i pay for my $12 shitty airport sandwich and drink, she calls back and tells us she's there already (only 15 mins later). damnit.

so she's finally there, so we go back to her and her fiances house and shower and hang out for a little. then we went downtown for the red sox/mariners game (of course we went to the only one this weekend where the red sox lost...damnit again). on the way to the game, i thought i saw someone i knew. so i called out her name a few times, to test the waters you know. well, it was her. it was my sister's college roommate (they went to school in ny) and her family. so random, but cool.

i love going to baseball games, especially red sox games, so the game was fun. the bride's older brother got kicked out of the game because security saw him with a flask. it was at this point we knew something ridiculous would happen that night.

after the game was the bachelor and bachelorette parties. the girls went somewhere to dance on the bar and spray beer on fat chicks (ahem, dominique) and the guys walked 45 mins to a bar with a section reserved just for us. just to put it in perspective, there were probably 18 guys at the party, all of whom were also at the game (for the game we had 60 tickets, right along the right field line, first 5 rows. manny loved us, cuz everyone else around us was crappy m's fans). after 1 drink at this bar, about half the guys were dead set on "seeing some titties" so we wandered about a half hour thru the city to a strip club. half of us were more interested in hanging out at a bar and drinking (in washington they dont serve alcohol in strip clubs). we were told there was just a $5 cover, and the guys i needed to be with to find my way back home that night all went in, so i went in as well. when we get to the door, however, the guy tells us it's actually a $15 cover, despite a sign right above his head saying "admission: $5". apparently, you cant get just admission. so while he was taking money from people, the brides brother, her cousin, and i just walk in. fuck that, i'm not paying 15 to see fat, gross, used skanks. and fat, gross, and used they were.

after about 15 mins of sober disappointment, we went a block down to a bar to finish the night. at this point we get a call from the girls. they were supposed to be staying at a place on bainbridge island for the night, but they missed the last ferry over. so we walked in their direction until we could get a cab downtown to where they were.

when we got down to where they were, it was evident we needed 3 cabs to get everyone back to the house. the only problem was that it was already about 230am and many cabs didn't want to drive a half hour to kent where we were staying. but we were already in our cab. when we saw the girls we slowed down and told them to come back to the house. the groom was in the front seat and as the cab just drove buy he evidently just had a goofy smile on his face and waved to the bride, which sent her into fits. there would be lots of yelling later on that night, but it wouldn't all be about this.

the girls then got a cab, leaving 1 more group in search of one. however, when they were searching for those last cabs, apparently a bum came up to them and tried to get change for a $20 bill from them. different stories have evolved, but the main one is that a cousin's girlfriend (this crazy girl named mary) started flipping out at the bum and yelling, and needed to be held back. she was, but then somehow the bride's older brother and cousin started getting into it with the bum. well, this evolved into a bumfight. apparently the 3 were rolling around on the ground and slamming into the buildings nearby. how did it end? well, they got their shots in i guess, but someone fell on the cousin and broke his leg. so, he ended up in the hospital, missed the wedding on sunday, and is stuck there for a week before he can fly back.

saturday was just the rehersal dinner, which was at a park on the island. the views were awesome, the weather was good, and the food was great. sunday was the wedding. it went off without any problems (other than the cousin's absence). everyone was (or became) 1 big drunken happy family, and i think everyone had a really good time. it was really fun. then monday came, and after getting coffee from girls in lingerie, we flew home. it's nice to be back.

i know i phoned in sat-mon, but really they were just good, fun times. plus i'm sick of writing. plus you probably didn't make it this far anyway, asshole.

good weekend. oh yeah, and seattle really does have fucking amazing coffee.

fool me once, strike one; fool me twice, strike three

honestly, how many times will we dance this dance? was i not clear? did i stutter? maybe this time it will be clearer.


witness: debbie

dear cat lovers: first, what's wrong with you? but second, settle down. i was careful not to get the cat in the face. i'm not punishing the cat for acting like a cat, but rather the owner for acting like a negligent asshole. this will be the last time, as either the point will stick now, or it never will. i fear the latter.

next up: the removal of mary's windchimes that she hung from my steps, which hang directly into the area i must walk to get to my steps from the parking lot. sure, i could go around the other side of the steps, if her bike werent there. anyone need windchimes?

new toys!

i'm cooking chili today for myself and some friends i'll see this weekend. it's the inaugural run for my new crock pot (thanks mom and dad), and the picture was taken with my new digital camera (thanks dominique)! in the background you can also see the knives i will use to cut mary.