resume regular posting...

while this is not my work, it is still nothing short of fantastic:


Assignment: Please translate the following Rap song lyrics from Ebonics to standard English.

Artist: Notorious B.I.G.
Album: Ready to Die
Song: One more chance (remix)

Lyrics:
First things first, I poppa, freaks all the honeys
Dummies - playboy bunnies, those wantin' money
Those the ones I like cause they don't get nothin'
But penetration, unless it smells like sanitation
Garbage, I turn like doorknobs
Heart throb, never, black and ugly as ever
However, I stay coochied down to the socks
Rings and watch filled with rocks

TRANSLATION:
As a general rule, I perform deviant sexual acts with women
of all kinds, including but not limited to those with
limited intellect, nude magazine models, and prostitutes. I
particularly enjoy sexual encounters with the latter group
as they are generally disappointed in the fact that they
only receive penile intercourse and nothing more, unless of
course, they douche on a consistent basis. Although I am
extremely unattractive, I am able to engage in these types
of sexual acts with some regularity. Perhaps my sexuality
is somehow related to my fancy and expensive jewelry.

Lyrics:
And my jam knock in the Mitsubishi
Girls pee pee when they see me, Nava-hoes creep me in they tee pee
As I lay down laws like I lay carpet
Stop it - if you think your gonna make a profit

TRANSLATION:
I enjoy playing my music loudly on my car stereo.
Apparently, women enjoy this also because they become
sexually aroused when they see me driving. Oddly enough,
when I visit the Native American reservations, some of the
more sexually promiscuous Indian women attempt to seduce me
in their homes. Their intent is to divest me of my
earnings. Such actions are unacceptable.

Lyrics:
Don't see my ones, don't see my guns - get it
Now tell ya friends Poppa hit it then split it
In two as I flow with the Junior Mafia
I don't know what the hell's stoppin' ya
I'm clockin' ya - Versace shades watchin' ya
Once ya grin, I'm in game, begin

TRANSLATION:
Understand this fact: you can have neither my money, nor my
weapons. I suggest that you inform your peers that we
engaged in violent sexual acts. Currently, I am rapping
with my associates, the Junior Mafia. I'm having some
difficulty understanding why you refuse to approach me. I
am attempting to make eye contact with you through my
expensive glasses, and as soon as you respond with a smile,
I will approach you.

Lyrics:
First I talk about how I dress and this
And diamond necklaces - stretch Lexuses
The sex is just immaculate from the back I get
Deeper and deeper - help ya reach the
Climax that your man can't make
Call and tell him you'll be home real late
Let's sing the break

TRANSLATION:
I prefer to open the conversation with light banter about
my wardrobe and jewelry, then I like to discuss my
collection of expensive cars. This is more than enough to
convince you to have sexual intercourse with me. I am able
to insert my penis further into you when I enter you from
behind. Furthermore, you will be able to reach orgasm. I
understand this to be a problem with your current sexual
partner. He needn't be concerned about your whereabouts.
Please phone him and inform him that you won't be home for
a while. By the way, please sing the chorus of the song for
me also.

Lyrics:
She's sick of that song on how it's so long
Thought he worked his until I handled my biz
There I is - major pain like Damon Wayans
Low down dirty even like his brother Keenan
Schemin' - don't bring your girl round me
True player for real, ask Puff Daddy

TRANSLATION:
Your current love interest no longer wishes to hear your
fabrications about the length of your member. After I had
sexual intercourse with your woman, she became enlightened
as to the proper way it is supposed to be performed;
violently and immorally. It would be in your best interest
to keep your woman away from me as my sexual prowess is
very strong. If you are unconvinced, ask Puff Daddy.

Lyrics:
You - ringin' bells with bags from Chanel
Baby Benz, traded in your Hyundai Excel
Fully equipped, CD changer with the cell
She beeped me, meet me at twelve

TRANSLATION:
Despite the fact that you attempted to win her at her
doorstep with bags full of expensive clothes and a car (the
lower end model Mercedes Benz which you financed by signing
over your current vehicle) containing an expensive stereo
and a cellular phone, your woman has contacted me through
my pager indicating that we should rendezvous at midnight.

Lyrics:
Where you at? Flippin' jobs, playin' car notes?
While I'm swimmin? in ya women like the breast stroke
Right stroke, left stroke what's the best stroke
Death stroke - tongue all down her throat
Nuthin' left to do but send her home to you
I'm through - can ya sing the song for me, boo?

TRANSLATION:
You, on the other hand, jump from job to job, barely able
to maintain payments on the Mercedes Benz you purchased for
your woman. Meanwhile, I continue to engage in sexual
intercourse and commit lewd osculatory acts with your
women. My only remaining option is to request that she
leave my home and return to you because I have reached
orgasm and no longer have a need for her presence.

Lyrics:
So, what's it gonna be? Him or me?
We can cruise the world with pearls
Gator boots for girls
The envy of all women, crushed linen
Cartier wrist-wear with diamonds in 'em
The finest women I love with a passion
Ya man's a wimp, I give that ass a good thrashin'

TRANSLATION:
The ultimate decision rests with you. Whom do you choose as
your sexual partner. I can take you on cruises around the
world. I will dress you in the finest jewelry and footwear.
You will be envied by women worldwide in your fine clothes
and jewelry. There is a special place in my heart for
beautiful women. I will defeat your man in an altercation
because he is effeminate.

Lyrics:
High fashion - flyin' into all states.
Sexin' me while your man masturbates.
Isn't this great? Your flight leaves at eight.
Her flight lands at nine, my game just rewinds.
Lyrically I'm supposed to represent.
I'm not only the client, I'm the player president

TRANSLATION:
You will be dressed in finest clothes on the runways of
Paris. I will fly you to every state to shop for fine
clothes and jewelry. You will enjoy sexual intercourse with
me and your man will be forced to pleasure himself through
manual stimulation. What a life! I'll return you to
LaGuardia in time to catch your 8 o'clock flight. The
timing is perfect because I have scheduled a date with a
second woman who arrives at the same gate at 9 o'clock.
I'll seduce her in the same way that I seduced you. I rap
well and I am a positive reflection of my home town. Not
only am I a sexually deviant, misogynistic, immoral,
wealthy, male prostitute, but I also sit on the board of
directors of the organization that governs others of my
kind.