the point is fast, but it's too blunt to miss

now that most americans are 5-15lbs heavier, we can put those silly pilgrims behind us and focus on what the next month is really about: gifts.

let's face it, christmas is no longer about religion except for a devoted few. it's now santa's day. but let's not forget department stores, outlets, and other retailers. it's not only their day, but their month. xmas is now about vacation, gifts, and spending time with family and friends. and there's nothing wrong with that, but here's my question/proposal: can we just omit jesus altogether? sans midnight mass, xmas is a wonderful thing. why talk about all the shit jesus did then? i thought that's what easter was for. i mean, we all came out of vaginas, he just came out before his mom's cherry was popped. supposedly. i'm not sure that story holds water, no pun intended. ok yes it was. shutup.

so, can we please de-jesify xmas? no one's thinking of jesus when they're trying to decide if their girlfriend would rather receive the double sided dildo or the pink vibrator. well, maybe, if you go with the vibrator. cuz for god's sake if you dont also buy the batteries she'll be pissed off. but you get my point. even thinking about jesus for one day doesnt change all of what americans now consider to be xmas. save it for easter. besides, then i might be able to get enough sugar in me to stay awake during mass (not that i go).

so, with the xmas spirit in mind, here's a short, noncomprehensive list of gift ideas for yours truly:
1) this and/or this
2) this
3) this (ok not really, but if you give it to me, i can give it to your mom)
4) one of these
5) these
6) and finally, this


it began with black friday, and it will end the last week of december with everyone returning the gifts that just "weren't quite right." with this in mind, it would be nice if people showed a bit more patience with long lines in stores, or with depleted shelves. sure, your kid really wants the doll with the black eye who is on the phone with social services, but the south and midwest are quite populated. however, i'm sure there are many good-spirited individuals out there whose prayers will be similar to mine: santa, please dont die before xmas.