Confessions of a Litigious Mind

The random, irrelevant musings of a law school graduate.

Monday, November 28, 2005

the point is fast, but it's too blunt to miss

now that most americans are 5-15lbs heavier, we can put those silly pilgrims behind us and focus on what the next month is really about: gifts.

let's face it, christmas is no longer about religion except for a devoted few. it's now santa's day. but let's not forget department stores, outlets, and other retailers. it's not only their day, but their month. xmas is now about vacation, gifts, and spending time with family and friends. and there's nothing wrong with that, but here's my question/proposal: can we just omit jesus altogether? sans midnight mass, xmas is a wonderful thing. why talk about all the shit jesus did then? i thought that's what easter was for. i mean, we all came out of vaginas, he just came out before his mom's cherry was popped. supposedly. i'm not sure that story holds water, no pun intended. ok yes it was. shutup.

so, can we please de-jesify xmas? no one's thinking of jesus when they're trying to decide if their girlfriend would rather receive the double sided dildo or the pink vibrator. well, maybe, if you go with the vibrator. cuz for god's sake if you dont also buy the batteries she'll be pissed off. but you get my point. even thinking about jesus for one day doesnt change all of what americans now consider to be xmas. save it for easter. besides, then i might be able to get enough sugar in me to stay awake during mass (not that i go).

so, with the xmas spirit in mind, here's a short, noncomprehensive list of gift ideas for yours truly:
1) this and/or this
2) this
3) this (ok not really, but if you give it to me, i can give it to your mom)
4) one of these
5) these
6) and finally, this


it began with black friday, and it will end the last week of december with everyone returning the gifts that just "weren't quite right." with this in mind, it would be nice if people showed a bit more patience with long lines in stores, or with depleted shelves. sure, your kid really wants the doll with the black eye who is on the phone with social services, but the south and midwest are quite populated. however, i'm sure there are many good-spirited individuals out there whose prayers will be similar to mine: santa, please dont die before xmas.

8 Comments:

At 11/28/2005 2:26 PM, Blogger JLee said...

can we just skip it altogether? I'd rather slash my wrists than shop on Black Friday....I'd end up like that lady at WalMart who got trampled and her wig flew off (except I don't wear a wig..as far as you know)

 
At 11/28/2005 4:04 PM, Blogger law monkey said...

dicta dicta dicta (try saying that ten times fast, let me know how it works out for ya)...

1) please set up some sort of wish list/gift registry so that your diverse readership will know if someone has already spoiled you and gone ahead and bought you one of your requested gifts;
2) christmas has already been de-jesified. the only reason some of us still manage to make it to church/mass/communal repentance is because if we don't, god might feed all of our gifts to the abominable snowman. that, and we have to act like we're not *too* excited about the fact that we've just blown a few collective billion dollars on junk and shiz;
4) this xmas vs. christmas argument never fails to come up year after year. personally, i don't care what you call it or why we celebrate it - as long as i don't have to go to class for 4 weeks, i'm happy. and a few little surprises under the tree only add to the pleasure that is winter break/christmas vacation;
5) um why don't you have jameson on your list?;
3) i hope you like coal.

 
At 11/28/2005 4:09 PM, Blogger josh said...

JLEE
i both shopped and slit my wrists on black friday. it was a toss up as to which was more enjoyable.

COLLEEN
good call on the jameson. and maybe a nice flask to go with it (that combo would make midnight mass ok). also, i love coal. if you stick it up the right peoples' asses, you get diamonds. then, i can give the diamonds away as gifts to a lucky lady. then, she'll pretty much have to...

 
At 11/28/2005 5:13 PM, Blogger josh said...

right on the mark once again, sadielady

 
At 11/28/2005 5:42 PM, Blogger d$ said...

oohh arrested development is one of my favorites. Im also requesting the second season for xmas (or christmas, to appease sharon, the most likely gift giver). Fox will rue the day they cancelled that gem.


ps. if you get verification words wrong, they get even more ridiculous.

 
At 11/28/2005 6:51 PM, Blogger Elle Woods said...

Hey, thanks for the link. I checked out your blog and added one too..(It's also great!)

 
At 11/29/2005 12:34 PM, Blogger Brancibeer said...

I agree with Colleen. Some Jenna Jameson would be an appropriate gift. But i think dicta probably has enough of that as is.

 
At 11/29/2005 2:21 PM, Blogger josh said...

actually, i prefer amateur home videos

 

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