dicta the humanitarian

today i went to the mall to buy drugs. i didn't end up getting any, but i had a brilliant idea while i was there.

i walked past the food court and couldn't help but notice the heaping portions of food that even the fatties there couldn't finish. what a waste! so here's what i propose:

you know the smoking zones in airports that are like giant glass cages where people can get together and die a little more quickly without harming the rest of us? i think we should build those for homeless people at mall food courts. really, it's a wonderful idea.

first, the enclosed cage keeps the stench of the street out of the noses of the paying diners. second, much of the extra food doesn't go to waste. and finally, it's a sure-fire way for homeless people to get hot, hearty meals for free. instead of optimistically donating a dollar for food that really goes to booze, you can give them real food.

the only detail i haven't yet worked out is figuring out how to decide which meals goes to which homeless person. one idea that seems kind of fair is to let the paying customer decide who to give their food to. or maybe the skinniest homeless persons get food first and the fat ones last. a wrinkle in the latter idea would be to hold an nba-style lottery so that maybe the 5 or 6 skinniest have an extra shot at receiving the first portion. let's just hope there aren't any homeless migrants from oregon, though. they'll probably fuck up the first pick and choose the food with e coli or something.